Pen to Paper

I figured that I shouldn't go too long before putting another entry in here. I've been writing this whole week, the first time in a little over a month. Honestly, nothing gives you a rush like putting out anywhere from one chapter to three chapters a day! It's so exhilarating. Especially seeing how I've been working on a book that I really didn't care too much about. The new characters and scenes have caused me to fall in love with it so much more that I thought possible with this book. In the original version, I've just started to rewrite chapter two. In the new transcript, that is now chapter eight. It's not just the addition of chapters, characters, scenes.... My chapters are generally coming out twice the length--which I personally love. I never wanted to be one of those short 100-200 page writers. Mainly because I've found that those book really have no story to tell. And that's not who I am. I want to create, really create. I want stories that feel real. Okay maybe there's no such thing as a novel feeling real. But I know the books where you fly through the pages because you're so wrapped up in what is happening. That is what I want. Maybe that is what is forming. I certainly hope so.
I have one of my best friends reading my chapters as I finish them. She has been adding invaluable perspective for me. Normally when I edit, I edit myself with an unrestrained hand so that I can have the best possible product. This is my first friend who has written notes back to me in the same manner that I edit and I love it! I might be doing her an injustice in letting her read an un-proofed story. But on the other hand, she's given me more things to think about when I finish this round of writing and start proofing. Then again, maybe it may not be such an injustice. She already volunteered to be a beta-reader when I need one (which would be right before I go for that agent contract). So that 's real good to know--she wants to read it again! Maybe that just means something to me because I don't re-read books 98% of the time. But I do know that those of my friends who do re-read do so because they love the story. So that is a compliment.
Well the comments that I have been getting back have sparked the idea to start a new blog that keeps track of what's happening with my writing life. The only problem is that the only way that I foresee it in my mind as working is if I make a web page, since it will be easier to find things that way. I just don't know though. I really need to think about it some more. Despite the fact that I am excited to create it, because the comments that my friend is making would make a great Q & A page. Then I could also put pages of additional information that may or maybe not make it in the appendix of the book (I haven't decided on that part of the book, and may not have an answer until I hear from an agent or publisher). But it would be great fun to have a web page already established for readers to go to. I guess one of the next books I check out from the library will be web pages for dummies. :)

Too Busy to Fall Off the Face of the Earth

Wow! It's been nearly a month since I've last written. How time flies!
I'm halfway through a run for the Musical "Joy to the Children". It's only been after the first few performances that I really began to enjoy the role that I was given. It's been a long haul. At first I was given the role of Mrs. Stone, which I really wanted and gave me the second most stage time for women's roles. But early on, I thought it would be a good thing to let the director in on my medical thoughts (about my wrist), which I wrote about already. I didn't know how much it would bother me that I got pulled from that role and got re-casted as Mother Abigail (a German Mother Superior). I actually cried quite a bit when no one was looking. But I didn't keep my thoughts to myself. Those in the cast who I did talk to about how I was feeling were really supportive, letting me know that they thought I did the right thing too, even though when it all came down to it nothing has indeed interfered with my ability to be in the play. But it still killed my heart when I saw the costume that would have been mine. It was everything in a dress that I have always wanted to to wear. So of course I was disappointed. And disappointment does not go well in the attempt of preventing a bad attitude. It's a huge compliment that my director has every confidence in my ability. She did not give me my lines until the dress rehearsal before we opened our doors to our first audience (our invited dress rehearsal). That night I had no costume, when at the time I was slotted to have three. In fact that night I had to go to the seamstress and toss together a costume our of odds and ends that we had in our collection. (On the bright side, there have been a number of people who have commented that it is one of their favorite costumes in the production.) If that were not enough, I was also supposed to be fitted with a microphone for the rehearsal. The sound men didn't have one for me and were unaware that I needed one, because my lines were not written in the original script. I honestly don't know why I have to go through these cycles of feeling like I'm overlooked (and those of you who know me know how much of a lark that is since there really is no way that I can every physically or personality wise ever be overlooked). And I know that I am not generally a person that people describe as having a bad attitude, but I had one that night. I thought it was fitting that I was a nun, because my attitude was fitting for spending some time in purgatory for. (That thought was the only one that could bring me to laugh, let alone smile.) But I worked hard on my thoughts and attitude. My thoughts effect me. But my attitude effect others. Our official opening night, I got over myself for the most part. But for the first time I got praised, in a long time, for my theatrical talent. My director took time out of running around and seeing to a billion different things to tell me that she loves how the character has formed and really appreciated me and my ability to fill the awkward dead space of on stage transitions. So it turns out that the one thing that set off my attitude struggle (having to wait for the last minute to get everything that needed for my role--costume, lines) was the one thing that is my niche in the company. I do have an ability to pull off improve and think quickly on my feet. It drives me crazy in cases like this when we are trying to pull off 5th Ave. caliber production quality. But my director sees it in me and has never worried about me in the two productions I've been with her. Rather she puts more confidence in me. So in this area, I can think of no other compliment that rates higher than that.

Yesterday I had a PCE test for my wrist, compliments of L&I. I had to go through the examination for L&I and my vocational councilor to see how much I am able to work. I am not quite sure why this testing, because the results were nothing new compared to what I've been telling them. My results are that the only thing that I'm fit for right now is sedentary work (translation, there's next to nothing I can do). I had to refrain from being sarcastic and saying, "Ya think?" I'm not fit for light duty, let alone for my normal work which I found out is classified as Moderate (meaning having to lift up to 50 pounds). But on the bright side, there is the recorded tests that prove what I have been saying all this time.
Now I just need my other tests to sh0w what the heck is wrong with me. Last week was my appointment to go over the results of my MRI. It showed nothing, yet again. My doctor can only come up with sprain as a diagnosis, although he put it to me that I can seek a second opinion, because someone else might see something else. There was a little something on the MRI, but my doctor is calling it scar tissue. It very well could be. I'm not arguing that. I just want to know what is wrong. With this kind of pain, there has to be something wrong. There has to be an explanation, because this kind of pain does not happen just to happen. I want to know what is wrong.
I guess it's not so much the fact of still being in pain. What I'm struggling with the most, the
#1 reason behind my growing madness in this whole area is the fact that I can't do the things that I like doing, that are things that help define who I am. I'm struggling the most in not being able to create (which happens in many different forms). I hate the sedentary life!!!! I want to do. I want to make. I want to be the normal me.
Well, that's the step I'm in the middle of right now, going through all the hoops to get into the office of another doctor to get a second opinion.

Last night was my scheduled event with EY of coffee and dinner with the discussion of Ken Gaub's book, Re-arranging Your Mental Furniture. Fitting, I know. Anyway, there was only one person who showed up, an older woman. She was interesting. I'm not certain I understand how a person can be a professional councilor and yet be a cynic. It boggles my mind. Her biggest complaint is that with everyone in EY, no one shows up for anything. In fact that is starting to turn into the pattern with every other member that I talk with. In fact there was one man who had two weeks ago left a message on my phone about his memories of when 200 people would show up for an event, and now nothing. He didn't have an answer or any ideas to get the turn outs, yet he wanted to talk with me about it. I could be really off my rocker, but the way that he phrased his message and tone of voice, it sounded like he was trying to make me the saviour of the EY dating scene/events. It has to be my imagination, because that's not who I am. I just want to meet people. I want to do things. But since there's not many movers and shakers, there's not much going on. And being a go-getter, I make plans. But I don't want things to keep in the pattern that I'm seeing. I want to be around large groups of people. So of course I'm going to be thinking of ways to draw a larger crowd. But really what I am most curious about is what it will take to get people to get off their butts and go to events.
I do have an idea that I got today. But I have to develop it more. I'm thinking what could be a big hit is to have a cooking competition with prizes. What I know is that I will need to go into the office and have a talk about this. There's no way that this will be small scale. At least not with the ideas that I have running in my head.

My First... (read to find the answer)

The drama with my wrist injury continues, even today. And anyone who has gone through lengthy medical problems understand when I say that it's so very important for distractions. Otherwise, your emotions get the better of you. So I only came on to write about a victory last night, which was every inch of a distraction that I needed. I cooked my first duck!
I know, I know... that is definitely the last thing anyone would guess as being a victory. But cooking has always been a distraction of mine. And unfortunately it's a distraction that I don't get to partake of because of this stupid injury. But the duck was a victory for a few reasons. First, I've only eaten duck once. My knowledge of this meat product is pretty much boiled down to the fact that I like the slightly gamy flavour of this particular poultry. Second, my family never cooked duck, ever. So I've got bragging rights for being the first! In fact, my whole family had an upturned nose when I told them I wanted to cook a duck. My sisters haven't had duck before. My dad ordered it once in a restaurant and my mom sampled from his plate. So not only did I get bragging rights for cooking something no one in my family has cooked before, I also get bragging rights because the duck came out amazingly well for the first time. And in the case you were interested in the pairings for duck, steamed asparagus and mashed potatoes went great with the duck! The biggest victory was just the ability to cook. Yes, I was in pain while cooking, even though doing about 85% everything left handed. But I had to do it. I hate not being able to do anything. I hate having to give up many of the things I love to do. So just to put my will over pain was satisfying. I'm not cooking today, or probably for the rest of the week. But I can hold my head up high and say that I cooked a duck!

The Long Road

I was upset yesterday by the appointment I had with my doctor, for my wrist. For the longest time my doctor was unsure what was causing problems. Now he walked into the room with his mind made up that what I have is just a second degree sprain. I couldn't believe what he said! Growing up playing sports, I've had all three degrees of sprains. From all the doctors I've talked to over the years, sprains never took over three months to heal. So here I have a wrist injury from mid-way through February, and I'm six and a half months over a surgery (where over two months was spent with my wrist in a cast and completely immobilized). There's no way in my mind I can comprehend a sprain being the diagnosis for what is wrong with me since I am still having a great deal amount of pain. My doctor was all set to pretty much sign me off and re-examine everything this upcoming spring. I wanted to cry. Here I am where not even Tylenol takes the edge off of my pain, and my doctor wants to wait. All I could do was say that I understood what he was saying but it really concerned me that with the amount of pain that I have and he wants me to wait. He said that he'd go through with a second MRI if I really wanted it, but he doesn't expect it to show up anything to show up since nothing showed up last time. And all this is after he poked and prodded my wrist yet again and I still have a hot spot that makes me jump with pain. I never did go to medical school, but I have reasons to doubt just about everything from this appointment. Not only is it that I doubt it's a sprain that I'm suffering, but I really am starting to believe that there is something wrong with the cartilage. That's where all my pain is coming from. What I don't understand is why there is so much pain there when in the surgery my doctor had cleaned up the fraying that had been in my cartilage. The other reason why I think there is something else that is wrong is the fact that I had to come off of physical therapy because the pain was getting worse. That just doesn't happen with a sprain--this much I do know from experience. Well my second MRI was accepted by L&I today and I have it scheduled for next week. I just won't be able to get in to see my doctor again to go over the results until the first week of December. I am becoming so emotionally drained with this whole issue. I want to get better. I want to be healed. I want a normal life back again.
This week I was asked to write up a description of Kindergartners learning styles and what not for the manual for our children's ministry. That was the highlight of my week so far. After three years of working with Kindergartners, this is the first practical thing that I have had the opportunity to do with what I've learned to help other people working with Kindergartners. Most of the adults that I know are nervous with working with this age group. So my whole goal was to give them the information to make them excited to work with this age and do it most successfully. Kindergartners are really great to work with. Other than that, the other project that I've started this week is a quarter's worth of curriculum. I've got some great ideas going, so once I get all the written parts down, and even start putting together some of the visuals (such as power point), I will be able to pitch my ideas with Naara. What I am looking forward to is giving the curriculum a run through. Then make any tweaks that may be necessary. After that, I will be able to market it. Who would have thought that the first thing to possibly get published will be a children's church curriculum? But I do love doing things like this for the kids! They are really great to work with.

Night At The SAM

It really is funny how anticipation works in relation to the world around us! So today was the first day of the rainy season, where the rain just came down like none other. To top it all off, there was traffic problems all day long! Those are not the two things that you want to happen when you plan an event for people to show up to after work. And yet that is what I got. I had ten people confirm that they were going to show up for the museum. Out of those only one showed up, one of the women. Although two men showed up who had not talked to me at all before the event to let me know they were coming. I do have to be fair though, I just got a message from one of the original museum goers, and he said that he showed up with another person, but he didn't remember to take my number with him so they couldn't meet up with us. So in essence there were a grand total of 6 of us (in a round about way). But that didn't bother me at all. I was there mainly for the museum, and meet new people. On both counts I was well pleased.

Oh but don't get me wrong, there was plenty of interesting things that happened. When I had met at the EY office to meet up with the two people who wanted to carpool (neither showed), there was a man there who wanted to go. And right away he showed an instant liking to me. Now in the past, when a man like him with whom I have absolutely no chemistry with showed that much interest in me, it never sat well with me and freaked me out. I was rather happy that I don't have that reaction anymore. Besides, with the background checks that EY sends everyone through, that helps a whole lot. So anyway, I had my carpool buddy to get into Seattle. Honestly, I was thinking of a way to have someone else take him back to the office. That didn't happen but more on that later. Finding the museum was easy (parking and all), but it wasn't easy to find everyone who was supposed to be there (because they weren't there). So me, being me and hoping not to spend the entire evening with this man, I began to go around to everyone who looked like they were waiting for someone and I asked them if they were with EY. Yes, there were some funny expressions and I had to explain that I was with a singles group, thank them and then walk away. If nothing else, I made a few people's wait a little better. In fact, the last man that I asked told me he wasn't but that he wished he was. That earned a smile and a blush from me. :) But there was one man was a few feet away, waiting, that felt like he might be with us, and when he fished in his pocket for a piece of paper, I decided to go up to him and ask. He was and told me that he was about ready to come over and ask me as well. At this point it was just me and my carpool buddy, and I tell you what! Being the hostess, I introduced them and I never felt the combination of sparks and awkwardness like I did at that moment. I think my carpool buddy was looking forward to having me to himself and he didn't like the idea of this new man joining us. But on the other hand, I felt a little connection with this new man and we started a conversation that was much easier than with the other man. Besides that, he also looked interested in me (I'll just call him Red from now on just to distinguish between the two--yeah for anonymity). So needless to say this was the first time where I've ever been in the situation where I've been with two men at the same time, in the same place, and there being that awkwardness. I've always wanted to know what that feels like. Now I do. And I'm not sure if I want to feel that again. So it was a very good thing that the lady from the original list showed up, because that took the edge off of the tension. There were a couple of times where Red would come over and look at the same exhibit with me, although keeping a small distance. We did have a small conversation when we were further down a hall than our other two companions. It really was an awkward situation (especially now that I've read his profile and found out that Red is one of those shy men). Of course he really wouldn't try a conversation with the other man nearby. In fact, anytime the other man saw that Red was near (on a few occasions), he would also come over as well. Oh, and that awkwardness never really went away! It only got worse, when it was time to leave. Red was parked on the same level in the parking garage and we were. As I tried to say goodbye to Red, he perked up and it looked like we could have had a conversation, but there was the other man who was quite smug in that we were riding together. And I didn't look to see, but his expression to Red could not have been good at all. I was in a sense rather embarrassed. Red is a sweet heart and I would rather like to have a conversation with him, without a third wheel.
I wish the story ended there. But it didn't. There was the drive back to the EY office. I knew what was coming. I could smell it coming a mile away. We were a few minutes from the office when he asked me if I had dinner before the museum. Thank you God I did!!!! I told him that I had, and yet he still asked if I would go out and have something to eat with him tonight. I told him I had to be getting home. I didn't tell him it was because I wanted to see my family or to find out what had happened on Survivor Gabon. I'll save men their dignity. But it didn't even stop there. When we pulled up in the parking lot, he didn't get out right away. He asked me if we could go out on another time. Thank you God, again, that I am busy with the musical!!!! I told him that I'd have to get back to him on that one since I am busy. He knew about the musical. And yes, I am too nice. I should have just flat out told him that there would be no chance of that happening. But I did want him out of my car. And I knew that was the only option I had. So now I have to find ways of being nice and yet keeping my distance from him so I don't encourage him any further. Which could be a problem. If I do another event and not tell him about it, and he finds out about it anyway, that would not be good whatsoever. Well, here's hoping that I find a man soon who puts me "on hold" than I can still be nice and not totally devastate him.

Polls vs. Absentee

In the day and age where everything is turning toward Absentee balloting instead of people going to the polls, I am proud to say that I am one of the few who still enjoys going to the polls! Yes, Absentee balloting makes it more convenient for more people to vote, there is just something about going to the polls. It's the community showing up to do something, make their voice be heard.
But above all, I had an amazing experience this year at the polls. There was a teenager who showed up to vote for the first time. After now voting in my 4th Presidential election, it was great seeing someone show up excited and nervous both that the same time. I was in line behind this young woman, waiting for the one electronic booths (for as much as everyone hates these things, I love them! I'm a button pusher to begin with. And I know my vote will count right away because it's already in the system counted when the polls close). I got to tell her my secret of quick voting by making all my decisions at home with the voter's pamphlet, that way all I have to do when I show up to vote is check the boxes I want and in less than five minutes be on my way. She was interested in this and told me that she wanted to that but she didn't know what she was voting for. When she asked her mother, she didn't know either, and her mother's response was just to do her best. So while we were waiting in line, I told the young woman what all the codes and numbers on her voter's card meant. So now, the next time there is an election, this young woman will know exactly what she will be voting for before she goes to the polls. Who knows, maybe she will pass that information on to her mother. It's things like this that makes community so very important! When the community comes together and do things together, information gets passed around so that everyone becomes more educated. It does not matter as much as what a person is convicted to believe and vote--not everyone believes the same thing. But it's important that everyone knows everything in a timely manner to make the best decision for themselves. And I was excited to be a part of that!

I'll be the first to admit that I was one of those voters who did not know until the night before who they would vote for President. Early on in the campaign, I preferred Obama. Then there were the Presidential debates and the VP debate. The more that I learned about the candidates' opinions and pet projects/policies I began to watch them and how they answered the questions. That was what kept me in the middle of indecision for so long. And I was disappointed when Obama finally answered the bating question of McCain--what is the fine for not being (health)insured. Obama finally answered that Joe the Plumber would not be fined a single cent. What kind of fine is that! It screamed with indecision and placation for the vote! Obama said that Joe the Plumber would not be fined because he fell under the $250,000 mark. The problem with that is that Obama was wrong. On a news report on TV, interviewing Joe the Plumber, Joe told America that the business he wanted to buy was $260,000. That's well above Obama's mark. Now either Obama was misinformed and guilty of not doing proper research to make his points. Or under Obama we will once again have many forms of relief for the "wealthy" (over the mark). There are many policies that Obama has in mind that I disagree with. And health care is one of them, if not the number one. I think it is the greatest travesty to have the government controlling health care. It has not answered the issues in other countries (Canada and Europe) who have installed such measures themselves. Neither does it give the doctors that we train in the states, the incentive to stay in country for their practices. I am sad to say that most of our talented (new and upcoming) doctors will be going overseas where they have better incentives. But I'm going to stop here. The lessons I have been recently been teaching my Sunday School students have been respecting those in authority. Obama is our newly elected President and I find myself on a fine line of not being all together respectful. But you can rest assure that I will not stand quietly for policies that I do not agree with. Thank God we live in a democratic country where the voice of the people are still heard. I greatly dislike it when the House, Senate, and President are all from the same Party, because they will always do great damage--whether Republican or Democratical. I pray that our representatives continue to listen to their constituents even though there is not another election for two years. Don't get me wrong. I am not disappointed in the presidential race (seeing how I wasn't clearly one way or the other). I think it is way past time for a black man to become president. (It's past time for women and other minorities to be president as well.) The US is far behind in countries being led by a diverse group of people. It is history in the making. I am just fed up with the government screwing everything up for the people, carelessly spending money, and not being held accountable for anything by anyone. There is not a political party that can answer this woe. We need a collection of people with integrity running in offices. I am just patriotic and want what's best for the people!!! It's time for the government to work for the people, rather than the government running the people.

Being My Own PR Person

So the last few nights I've stayed up late going through the directory at Equally Yoked and emailing people who state that they like art, personally inviting them to the event that I have scheduled at the SAM. Yes, the event is posted on the two event guides, but I wanted to bring it to the attention to those who either glossed over it or haven't been reading the guides. This will be my first event that I head up, and being the over achiever that I am, I want there to be as many people there as possible. So that means that I scanned through over 1700 profiles. I thought I was going to go cross-eyed, that first night (making it through A-the begging of R names). But it was worth it. In less than 24 hours, five people from the first night's bunch got back to me, saying they would be coming. So that's a good start. Besides, it's always great when you know you're not going to be the only person at the rendez-vous point! So sometimes it means going out there and rounding up the people. But the way that I look at it, if a group leader were to send me a message inviting me to come, I'd make more of an effort to (try to) make it. So here's looking to a great turnout!

Nothing new with the wrist. I've regressed to having to wear a wrist brace quite a bit more than I've ever had to do since the surgery. Not very encouraging. But next week I have the consultation appointment with another doctor for a second opinion.
Last week I had an appointment with a vocational counselor, through L&I. That was actually an emotional roller coaster for me. First of all, I had tried putting it off because it's too early for me to even consider going back to work, with the state of my wrist. L&I though otherwise, and so I had to do it. The vocational counselor thought that it was too early as well. In fact, she thought that from what she's seen of my file that she's leaning towards expecting another surgery. She was even talking about the procedure of what will happen when the doctor might say that there's nothing more he can do for me medically. Now that's nothing anyone wants to hear. Sure compensation would be good, but I'd rather have a healthy and pain free wrist right now. I'm leaving out a lot of that conversation because I really don't want to start crying again. I'd like an end to all of this, but I'm not delusional enough to tell myself there is an end in sight. And because I can't see the end, that's frightening enough on it's own. But I can say there was a good thing that happened in the appointment with the vocational counselor. I was able to talk to her about my concerns every time I hear the words about returning to work for light duty. For the first time I saw that I had finally forgiven everyone involved for what happened the day before my surgery. I was able to talk to the counselor about the challenges that I had to go through the whole time I was working while injured and how the cafe I was in was not a good environment. In fact, for the first time I was able to look back through the whole ordeal and see how others were observing what was going on. No one was able to work with me because they did not take the moment to see how my injury was effecting me. I tried to work at a level where my injury would be least invasive to the team, but because of that, they expected me to work uninjured. And I think that was what caused the failure. Am I still leery in returning back to working with them, oh yes. But I no longer have that worry. My doctor is looking out for me. And now I have my vocational counselor to look after me.
Now on to the personal....
I had a great time going to the corn maze! How I love making a way through mazes in the dark. So meeting a whole new group of people, always brings out the nerves, but these people were a great bunch--when I learned when I could be myself around them and not think too much about it. For example, (the mazes were at Merris Farms) there was a live band that was playing. As we walked passed them I joined in singing with the songs and doing a little a dance. The funny thing was everyone else joined in on the singing and dancing. That kind of tempered down a little when someone noticed that were turned into the entertainment of an older couple. We only kept on because I didn't care what the older couple thought. I was having fun and do it by myself anyway. Although I was glad that I didn't have to do it on my own. It's always more fun when others join in.
It was great for my ego to go out. There were three men who showed up. Two of them had at one point in our conversations told me that I was beautiful. Yes, that is definitely good for the ego. But honestly, the best part was that they were genuine compliments and not just lines to get into my pants. That and for once, it was not a problem that I've used my brain and have opinions. In fact one conversation had it where everyone has to have opinions. So here it is, I found a group of people where I can fit in with. That's always been a hard thing for me. I'm not the typical traditional girly type of woman. And that has always been a problem. But the men that I was talking with, they were sure of themselves (had a healthy confidence level). So here, I had a night with some real men. And that was reason enough for me to pay attention to my own feelings and desires. Especially when there was one of the men that we kept running into each other through out the night. That and there were a couple of times where he had actually put his hand gently on my lower back to help not running smack dab into me or to direct me through the maze. It had been waaay too long since I've been touched there and that was driving me crazy. And not in the bad sense, which is my problem. I'm a touch kind of girl. So touch is something I can easily lose my head over and therefore something that I have to watch and make sure that I don't do just that. That aside, that night was a great night. It just felt good to get out and do something.
So I made my plans for group activities for November and December. I couldn't make my schedule work for the EMP/SFM, so I have the SAM (Seattle Art Museum) instead, which I'm looking forward to. That is going to be a fun event, since there are quite a few interesting displays going on. That is for next month. In December I have a little get together scheduled to talk about a book and have a little Christmas party. So now, I've been initiated in leading group activities. I can't wait to see how that will all turn out. But hey, as long as I have fun, I'm sure it will translate.

The View From Upside Down

After a small break, to regroup, I decided it was time to write again.
The wrist... well this last week I had the appointment with my doctor. He didn't see the bone scan as a problem with the cartilage. Instead, to his eyes the afflicted area is where the pins were in my wrist. But that doesn't change the fact that he's at a loss as to what is going on. He's concerned with the pain. For that I am very grateful that my doctor is looking out for me. I just wish there was a definitive answer to what is wrong. It makes things a whole lot easier (for instance I finally had a talk today with my director, for the play I am in this December. But I'll talk more about this in just a moment). So now the whole plan with the doctor is that I'm scheduled for a second opinion with one of the other doctors in his office. I keep telling myself that this is good because now there is two sets of eyes and two brains now working on this. I just hate the fact that I have a mystery injury. (Although I'm not alone in this area since daddy and I have pretty similar health and medical experiences--we don't get the common stuff, it's always the tough ones that stump doctors.) This will all happen at the beginning of November. Other than that, and depending on what the second doctor thinks, the next plan is another MRI. There's no talk of another surgery yet. It's just disenheartening when you can see just how baffled your doctor is. Because it's bad enough when you are personally at a loss. But when you see that the expert is at a loss, all of a sudden no one is in control. The only thing that keeps me sane is my faith in God. Because my history has proven time and time again that even when things are out of my control, they have never been out of God's control. Just like at many other times, I just wish I knew what God knows/sees. Having a little bit more knowledge would help out quite a lot!
Okay, so the director... It was hard enough the first time, to tell her (give her the heads up) that something was going on medically with my wrist and I wasn't too sure what to expect. But there's no way I'm going to put the production in a position where at the last minute I can't fulfill my obligation. And that pain of being honest hit me again today, albeit not as bad at the when I first talked to the director about this. It was just hard today because she told me how much that she loves working with me. And if I knew what was happening with my wrist I could have told her more and help her think ahead and plan. But I can't. My two scheduled doctors' appointments are the first two weeks of November. The MRI could be another week or two after that. Worst case scenario would be a surgery scheduled shortly after the MRI. That would put that at about the time of opening weekend, if not the week before. So you see the delima. And I really do want this role. But I guess I should be focusing on the best case scenario which would be that nothing happens until after the musical. And the director said that she just didn't want to have me in a position of being stressed out about having to be stage presentable. This makes me very thankful that I have a wonderful director--while I'm concerned on what will be best for the production, she keeps turning it back to what is good for me and my health. She is a great woman! But I just have to trust that this too will just work out.
On to my dating/social life.... This was my first week with Equally Yoked. It's been a little while since I've been at this weird level of mixed excitement and nervousness. I'll admit to it--because I am able to, I have checked out the "competition". I was curious. With the dating sites I was with before I had no idea what types of women that the men I was matched with were seeing. After all I never did see myself as the pretty girl in grade school, junior high or even high school. In college I thought I had a little bit of a cuteness factor. It was all the analyzing in combination with what I knew what my height was. I didn't think that I could compare with the button cute short little things that just oozed with damsel-in-distress-femininity. I learned a few years ago that I don't have to be the damsel-in-distress. I just have to be me. Frankly I have never seen the beauty and confidence come out of me until the beginning of this last summer, when I drastically changed my hair coloring. I guess it's just the fact that I went with a style that is not "fashionable" but I pull off remarkably well--it's done something for my confidence I guess. Now I get to test drive it in a large social setting. I have a great picture on line. The picture though, has only gotten the attention of one man (at this moment). And this is where all the nerves come in. He's 48 and has two children, 19 and 17. I'm nervous because I'm closer in age to his children than I am with him. And it begs the question--what is it that he's thinking? I mean 18 years is a big difference in age for me now that I think about it. I mean after all my parents are 53. Sure there have been times where people (like hospital staff) thought that I was married to my dad (for whatever reason that was about). I'm okay with the thought of dating a man in his early 40's. But once I start thinking of even mid-40's I get nervous. Maybe it's because I've never wanted to be a trophy wife. I've enjoyed having a brain and personality. I don't want to just be dangled from the arm as proof of masculinity. Besides that, I really want to have children of my own and men that much older are not generally thinking about children at all. The other thing that makes me nervous is the fact that I've also begun looking at men a few years younger than me. And just the though of being a handful of years older myself--I just don't know if I have what it takes to be a cougar. And I never thought I would ever put me as the noun in the same sentence with being a cougar! It's foreign territory!! Anyway, I need away from this subject.
So this week I went to the bible study. And the one cliche that I run into the vast majority of the time when people learn my name, I got asked yet again. So, are you really a princess then? This time I fought hard to not get irritated by it or make some smart ass comment steeped with sarcasm. Instead, I went a different route and said that my family accuse me of being one. (Which they have a time or two.) That produced laughs all around the group. I have to admit that made me feel a little better about the question. I'd rather have people laugh than get the wrong impression about me. Anyway, as it turns out, that question was asked by the man who lead this week's bible study, and turns out to be a single pastor in the program as well. Not so bad, but the tone of the whole study kind of irritated me because a lot of the opinions being thrown out were contrary to what I've learned and studied myself. And one thing that gets me angry quicker than anything else is when Christians rationalize (or sound like it) that God wants all believers to live simply, maybe not poor, but not rich either. There is no scriptural basis for that thought. That was the tenure being taken with the Old Testament scriptures being read. So when my time came where I could speak, I brought everything into context with the Old Testament thinkology of the Israelites--that wealth was the outward sign of God's blessing on believers. That the wealthy had to be righteous. One of the men in the group took notes at one point, suddenly interested in what was being said. The pastor perked up--after I was finished, he went off of what I said to expound on a thought or two. One of the ladies, who works in the office and previously led a study, her eyes lit up as well. I kind of wanted to kick myself afterward, because whenever I speak up like that, there's no hiding in the corners for me, no blending in. As if I ever blended into anything. But this was my first group activity, and I couldn't last and hour and half without opening my mouth. But I think the true reason behind my wanting to kick myself is the compliment I received after I got done speaking. The pastor looked intently at me and told me that I was indeed a princess because of the manner in which I spoke. The way that he phrased it did not come out the way that he intended it to come out. I saw the look and knew the meaning that the laid behind the phrasing that did come out. The pastor did a little shuffle to make the correction--that God being King, I spoke like His true daughter, a princess. One of the other men helped with the correction, by saying that we were all princesses. Getting his footing back, and in attempt to incorporate humor, the pastor said that the man was definitely a princess. The man then continued the joke by commenting on how he needed to find his pink tutu. There were a couple of laughs and the subject drastically changed directions.
For other group outings, I have one planned for tomorrow at a corn maze. Another one in a couple of weeks for an evening sail. I need to get plans turned in for an outing to the EMP/Sci-Fi Museum. And then I'm thinking about continuing with the weekly bible studies (despite the uncomfortable moment at this last one). And we will see what will happen next. I just want to increase my social life and activity. I just need out of the house and meet people. I guess I can safely say that I am indeed meeting new people. Now, just to find the man that I've been waiting for all these years.

My Weakness

(Forgive me. A lot of what I just wrote below is just a lot of thinking release. I have no idea how much sense it will make, if any at all. I just need to get it all out of my head.)
So the last few days I've been having to deal with my one weakness, things happening beyond control. It's not like I'm a classic control freak, but I do have to admit I like it when things move smoothly. If they move smoothly under someone else's watch, I'm totally okay with that. But if things are not moving smoothly I have no problem stepping up to try to get things going again. In fact, over the last few years, I've grown in letting others take things over. But this is not the issue that I wanted to address, because there has not been a person who's botched it. It's the loss of control because life happens. Yes, there is no way of preventing that. But there is a way to turn situations around to find some good in them. And this is one situation I'm not sure if it can be spun into a good light.
A few weeks ago, I thought there might be something more wrong with my wrist. And I mentioned that before. I think I even mentioned about how I sent off those emails about the play and teaching. The funny thing is that I've gotten no response back on those. But I did have that bone scan today. On the bright side, my circulation is good. So that means that the pain I have is not because of inflammation. On the other side, the scan did show that there is something wrong in the joint--but this I already knew. There is now just a bit of clinical evidence. And that is good. It's something that can be seen. What's not so good... the doctor who oversaw the scan, it is his opinion that the problem is in the cartilage. This I don't know how to process. After all my doctor, he checked both sides of the cartilage when he operated on me back in April. And it was his opinion that there was nothing wrong with it then, that it was perfectly fine. So now there's the wait for about a week and a half until I can get in to see my doctor and find out what his take is on this scan.
All in all that should be good news. There's proof that there's something wrong. My prayers are being answered. I'm still okay with the idea of a second surgery. What I have not been okay with is the fact that with this option, I have had to move backwards in so many areas. I am not working and can't look for employment. (But on the bright side, the employment agency I had been in touch with said they will keep my information and all I have to do is give them a call when things get taken care of.) But I am still in the dark as to what will happen with the play. And I will have to take time away from my class. Even though in my heart, I know all of this is just a temporary setback, it's not clear forward movement.
Speaking of forward movement.... I'm not sure what to do at all with that guy that I really like. We were supposed to get together next week, but I've not heard anything from him in about two weeks now. I just don't get it at all! On one hand there's every indication that he likes me. Then on the other, it's clear that he's not taken with me. Because if he truly was taken, he'd be calling, emailing, or something frequently. I had such hope that this man was potentially something. But I'm beginning to think otherwise. And that hurts. It hurts a lot. Not devastatingly so, but it still hurts. Tonight I texted him if the plans were still on. So far no word. If I don't hear anything in a day or two, I'll flat out ask him if we are even talking anymore (just to have some closure).
I want and deserve someone to be crazy for me. So I put myself out there again. Not even an hour ago, I looked into Equally Yolked. I just need to get out and socialize, have fun, meet lots of men in person. In person for me is really good anyway. Besides that, this company actually interviews people in person before they become members. They weed out the married men and their profiles list marital history. That takes a load off of my mind. It's one less thing to have floating around. Besides, I have to do something. I'm not meeting anyone and that has to change.

The Good of Teaching

Even though I just finished a post, I needed to write another one, focusing on something good to uplift myself. Besides, what I'm about to write is good news that needs to be separate from what happened today. This past Sunday, after my kids were picked up from class, one of the other teachers pulled me aside and paid me the biggest complement that I've received in a long time!
The other week, while I was playing hookey to catch Phantom of the Opera, James took over my kindergarten class. When James pulled me aside, we had just finished our fourth week/lesson of this new year, with the new kindergarten classes. (James teaches the 9 am class, while I take the 11 am class.) He had filled in for me and had an amazing time with my kids. In fact, he told me that my kids were not only well behaved (which is a challenge for any kindergartner) but were so attentive. They answered all of his questions and he even had to think of harder questions for them! James complimented my teaching, and that he wants to now sit in on my classes, because my kids challenged him! He wants to up his game in teaching his class, all because of what he saw in my class! Oh it took everything in my to smile and accept the praise, because all I wanted to do was cry with the mixture of my emotions. I mean that is high praise to hear that from another teacher--that you are doing such a good job that they want to study you and model their own teaching after you. And at the same time I wanted to cry with relief because I was struggling to make a connection with my class that I have. I always end on such a high note with my classes at the end of each year. But this year, for some reason was hard to start brand new from scratch. My kids are great. In face one of the boys called me over during craft this last week to tell me that he loved me. Then there are a few who are just hard to reach. My connection isn't as easy this year as it has been in the past. And so I've been thinking that my kids weren't getting anything from me. Then to hear from James that they are indeed learning.... Honestly, all I want to do is gather my class together and give them all the biggest group hug ever! In fact, I'm probably loving this group more than the previous ones. And that's hard to say because I always love my kids. That's never an option (you never know who needs it or when they need it).
Maybe the real reason why I wanted to cry was because I've been struggling with the guilt of not giving my class as much of my everything that I usually put in. I've been torn in so many directions with my thoughts and attention. One, there's a man that I really like. And every female knows that once you start to like someone, you're thoughts tend to drift in their direction. Two, the whole wrist thing; work, pain, trying to get better, feeling exhausted because your body knows that there's something wrong, etc. Three, learning new computer programs to get a better job (in a different direction). Four, wanting to write and all that is involved in writing. Five, just wanting to veg out to give your brain a break for everything (and yes, I do suppose I think too much). Six, picking up a role in a musical. Honestly, to the casual observer, it would be easy for someone to say that I don't do a thing. But even this short list right now blows my own mind at just how much I'm doing. And there are things that I know I have not listed here. Then there is the list of things that I know I need to do but just haven't gotten around to doing. But none of this is really any different than before I got injured. I just feel like I'm out of balance, like learning how to juggle in a new stance--in this instance it would probably be on my head! It's frustrating learning a new stance. And of course it would seem like I don't have enough time for things. I just feel bad, because I want to give more time for my class. They are the only children that I have right now, other than my niece and nephews. I just want to give them more. But I feel so drained. I want to give my class more, because I know the impact that I can have. I never know the full impact that I get the privilege of having in their lives. But I do know that I do get to be impactfull. And they are so young. And they have so much potential. The way that I get to change the world on a regular basis is by showing those kids that they can impact the world right now themselves. They don't have to be adults to change the world. The world is theirs, right now! And I know that because I looked for ways to impact the world when I was younger. There is a way. And I have every intention of letting those kids know that they can change the world. They have the power to do great things right now! And I so want them to know that and do those great things!!! They are not just "children", they are so much more! Maybe I'm under the delusion that the more that I put into them the more they will pour out. But it's not a delusion. It's a principle truth. The water you pour into a glass, the more water pours out of the cup. I just want to give them more.

Learning to float on the waves of life

So today I had another doctor's appointment for my wrist. Just when I think I'm ready to start getting my life back on track for being normal, guess what? Yep. Not a chance! Ever since I started to spend time learning Excel in order to get a job as an administrative assistant, I started to have wrist pains constantly again. Definitely not a feeling that I like at all. Then everything went over the edge when I helped a best friend move. Her and her husband were great (as well as their mothers), refusing to let me over exert myself. (The funny thing is that I really would have. I guess you guys know me quite well! ;) I love having people look out for me and stop me from doing something that is stupid and will hurt me in the end. But at the same time I'm still frustrated in breaking my tendency to push the limits. Oh I love you guys! And yet, I still hide so much within myself. I hate having to admit that I can't do something. My brain has been trained and even brainwashed to think that it's a weakness, to not be able to do something. I guess it's because after all this time, I still believe that I have to prove something. But who am I proving it to? Only myself. To those that it truly matters, I don't have to prove anything to them. They know me. And I want to ask why do I have to prove things to myself, but I already know the answer. I know I am always proving to myself that I'm not a helpless female. And I know if those who know me well were to read this, they would bust up in laughter, because they know I'm a far cry from being a helpless female. A far cry! I am anything but. So why am I so preoccupied with not being weak? This I do not know. Hey I would enjoy anyone's feedback on that one. All I know is that my whole life has been turned upside down since near the beginning of this year, since I hurt my wrist. I've had to change. There's been no questions or skirting the issue about that. And what I have not told a living person is that the change has scared me! It scares me to have to admit that I can't take care of everything myself. It scares me that I have to have other people to help look after me. Flat out, it scares me that I have to be looked after! I should be touched that there are people in my life who want to look after me and who do. I am blessed in that respect. But it doesn't change the fact that this is new territory for me and it scares me.
So for a few weeks now I've had the suspicion that there's something more wrong with my wrist. I got the inkling when in physical therapy I've plateaued and have not been able to progress past the two pound weight in strength training. Then for the last week and a half I've been having pain in the center of my wrist, a different location from before the surgery and even the recovery of the area operated on. Today, my doctor looked at my wrist and saw that there was something wrong, when he was manipulating my joint. I was having pain that when he tweaked it in certain areas, I would nearly try to slide out of the chair and go to the floor. Not a good sign at all. And yet the x-rays were showing nothing, not even the ones that were taken today. And he had checked my cartilage in the surgery and didn't see any damage. So he was at a complete loss as to what was going on. The only option I had was to pray (while waiting for the x-rays) that whatever is wrong will show up somehow an that the doctor gets ideas on what to look for and how to look for them. I really do love that prayer works. By the end of the appointment, my doctor started to have ideas on what to do just pop into his head. So instead of being clueless, there was a plan starting to form in his mind. And I know that only came from prayer!
Now all that I know is that sometime in the next two weeks I will have a bone scan and another appointment with my doctor. If that doesn't show anything (but I hope that it does), the next idea the doctor had will be going in to have another MRI taken. So now begins the session(s) of test(s) again. I have a feeling that I will probably go in for another surgery. And this time, I am okay with that. I am not afraid of that option this time. (I think it helps that the last surgery went well and there was a marked improvement.) Now I'm dealing with my life being turned upside down one more time. (Or does this make it turned right side up? :) I wish I could make myself laugh right now. I don't like uncertainty. And now that I have things happening in my life again, I don't want to lose any of it. There was one man who I talked to briefly on line that once he found out that I was off work because of my surgery, he turned nasty on me--making comments that pretty much sounded like he was calling me lazy among other things. And anyone who knows me knows that the farthest from the truth. But I don't like people thinking things like that about me. And I don't want anyone else to think that about me (it hurts). Today I also had to send off an email to the director of the musical that I just got casted into, letting them know what I found out. And of course out of the good of the play, I had to say that I'm aware of the fact that for the good of the musical I will stand by the decision if they so decide to take me out and recast the role. I really don't want that to happen. But depending on what goes on, it might interfere with the rehearsals and it was made clear that there is a cost to be in the production. I already knew that and know it in my head and heart. But it doesn't stop me from still wanting to be in it. Then I also had to send off an email to the Director of the children's ministry at church. We're just a few weeks into a new year, and I have new kindergartners. I don't want to be out and away from them. I love those kids! But there's that possibility. It just hurts that once I get some normalcy back in my life, I have to let it all go again. I hate letting go of things in life. I want to keep normalcy tight and close to me. A normal life is good. But even I know you can't cling to life when stuff happens. There are times where you have to let go and float on the waves as they come. After all it's easier to float with the waves than to struggle against them and choke on the waves that are stronger than you.

Oh To Trust....

The one thing that has always frustrated me is the fact that I feel something before I understand why it is that I feel it. A simple example... the story I have been working off and on for the last few years, I've hated. I never knew why until my hard drive crashed and I lost the revisions I had made. Then with the new hard drive and having to literally recreate from what seemed like skeletons, I finally found love in my craft. I finally saw where it was meant to go. I don't have all the answers for it (even now) but I see the life behind it. And now I'm in love with the story again. An example of pure relief... on meeting a man for the first time, I can pretty much tell right away if there's potential. Most times than not there's no potential. I save myself some time and heartache. Oh I've still had a bit of both. But I've could have had a whole lot more. (Thank you that never happened!) Now I've spent most of my life working on not being bound by fear. I've never liked being immobilized by fear. It's an awful feeling that always harms someone more than help them. So I've been talking with a pretty amazing man for nearly two months now. I was totally excited from the first moment. He has the best personality I have ever seen in a man. So of course I was elated when he suggested our first date. Which was quickly followed by a deflation when I learned I had to wait three weeks to finally meet him in person. Patience has always been something I've had to work on my whole life (but more on this later). I was frustrated and didn't understand at the time. But today I can say with my whole heart that I'm glad our first date took so long in coming. If for no other reason than this number one reason (although there are a few others), there has been changes that was brought into my life because of this man. At the beginning of these changes I will hands down tell you that I don't like the changes. But they grown on me as I get use to them--because these changes have been systematically breaking down the defenses that I put up in my life (for good or bad) to protect myself. Yea for being a strong willed Ms. Personality. The last two weeks I was going crazy, straight out of my mind, and I didn't understand why I was feeling like this. Today, actually about an hour ago, it finally hit me what it was that I was really feeling. I was very young when I learned that I couldn't trust people. In fact I had to learn to take care of myself and protect myself, because more times than not, there was not a person to take care of me like I knew and even felt like I needed to be taken care of. I was not aware of how bad that got until about five years ago when I first started up in Master's Commission. Those are two years of my life that I would NEVER trade for a thing in this life. From day one I had to learn how to start trusting people again. One can not be in Master's and last long without trusting (well I guess you can, but you'd be miserable in the process). In those two years there was stuff that went on where trust was broken and even situations that were out of my control. But there were people who knew me and cared. They gave me the space that I needed, but at the same time kept a watchful eye on me. They were there whenever I asked them to be, and in those times they never let me down. For those, my dear friends, I learned how to give people a moderate level of trust from the beginning. I learned how to open myself up to others again, instead of standing behind a fortress not trusting a single soul. And all that was leading up to this moment, for this man. This is the first man, no the first person that I have willingly allowed myself to blindly trust, like a child, like I haven't trusted since I was a little girl. And it scares me to no end! This is a level of trust that usually takes people years to obtain by proving themselves. And I haven't given this trust willy nilly, which makes this even scarier for me. It's a calculated trust. Right now I can assure you that this level of trust will either bring the most amazing thing into my life, or it will be the largest crash and burn in recorded history (at least my history)! I was not able to describe why I felt so nervous and scared all while at the same time so excited and hopeful. And now I know. While I am hopeful and have my faith firmly placed in that I am doing the right thing and that I'm on my way to something amazing, I have to walk this faith knowing full well what the price is. I live every day knowing that I have crossed the line and handed someone the power to hurt me if he ever chose to do so. I pray he never does. In fact, each day I pray that he's deserving of this power. He has something that no other man or woman has ever had before.

The Pressures Of Being Vicariously Lived Through

As much as I have enjoyed the attention of others living vicariously through my "love life", the last several days have caused me no uncertain amount of stress. (I use "love life" becuase that's what the girls at my physical therapist's office call it, despite the fact that it's just my dating life.) It's stressful enough to meet new people and take the chance of going on a date with them. Some don't work, but thank goodness that others do. And if it were not enough to live non-stop with my own "woman thinking" (you know, everything leading up to and sometimes including over rationalizing) there's the additional outside information to process by the causual observers of my life. It's not that I dislike the observers (everyone who knows me knows that I'd tell people to butt out if I didn't want them to know), but I'm beginning to think that there really is such a thing as too much information. And usually this information comes from family. Now that they know I'm putting myself out there, they have a billion questions. This is particularly true with my family seeing how by now they've heard, what is it, six different names of men. Of course they are curious as to why there are so many men, if there's something wrong with so-and-so which causes me to keep looking, and I'm sure you get the drift. It probably all boils down to two facts. They are playing catch up to learn the definition of what it means to date online--which I'm just now beginning to understand myself. And I have never been the play the field type. I struggle enough on my own with this new experience of playing the field, because that's online dating. The last thing I need is my mother to give me crap about it. Although on this subject, my youngest sister has been the most supportive. She kind of thinks it's cool that I've been in the get-to-know-you stage with three men at once. Before she got married, she was in that same place once, but with only two men. I'm glad she thinks it's cool, because I don't. Particularly when the men involved are great guys. I don't want to hurt them and at the same time I want to give them their fair chance. And let's face it, regardless of all good intentions, I still compare them. Yeah, you hit it off with them, but what is it that I'm really looking for? And despite the fact that women start thinking about marriage once puberty hits, and who the perfect man would be, those ideals sometimes don't work in real life. And then there's no such thing as a perfect man. But on the plus side, these men have actually shown me what would be best for me. Getting to know them, in all their uniqueness, I've actually noticed a few thing that I would never have thought about or seen otherwise. In fact, there's one man who has shown me that one ideal I held on to (despite everyone saying that it was impossible) really can happen. In fact, this man has become the mark that all other men are being compared to, right now. And it's not because he's perfect. His personality just blows my mind away.


Well that being said, it's with this man in particular that all my vicarious observers have nearly sent me into a mental melt down. From my standpoint with this man, I'm still nervous about a lot of thing. The relationship is still very new, despite the fact that we've been talking for over a month now. (Laugh if you want at the phrasing at that sentence, but I've cut relationships off after a couple of days. So this man has made the cuts and lasted longer than most--which is the whole context of what I'm refering to in that sentence.) One friend is completely giddy for me. Another friend has told me I'm funny. And one of the ladies from the physical therapist's office said that she has chills over him. Okay my brain is full enough with just me. You toss these reactions in as well and it's no wonder my brain is melting! All I want to ask is, "What the heck is it that you all see?" What am I missing? I mean it's a horrible feeling when you are left out of the loop in your own "love life". Did I mention that these are all married women??? Darn it, at least let me buy the vowel!

Regardless of my preference for this man, there is another one that I have been recently talking with who is interesting. I don't like him like I do the first, but I enjoy his conversations. And that added to my stress because I at times feel like I don't know what I want. And today I realized that this was causing me to worry. And while struggling through those feelings, I found the the one thing that brought me peace. Things work out in the end. It can't get much simpler than that. My faith right now is finding someone to share my life with. And the thing about faith is that the only thing you can do is act upon it. This is especially true when other people are involved. We all have free will, and there is not a force around that will change that. My free will will not be taken away. Neither will anyone else's free will. So I must move my feet and do. Regardless, something will happen. Something always happen when we move our feet and do. If we stand in one place and do nothing, than nothing will happen.

Nearly Time

This is the longest that I've had to wait for a date. And I honestly do not know how I'm doing it. Three weeks ago, I agreed to go to a ball game with someone I've been talking to for a week. And I've got roughly 36 to wait before I can finally be put out of my misery and finally meet him face to face. I usually make it a point not to wait this long before physically meeting someone, because I want to really get to know someone (vs. having to go through some of the crazy thoughts that I've had to go through recently). Those crazy thoughts have mainly been centered around my wondering if he really is who he's come to know though emails. I so don't want to be disappointed. But at the same time I'm anxious to see if his personality really is what he's like in his emails. Because I really like his personality. A month of getting to know him, growing to like him, and now this. ...I weed out on the first date. But I've invested time like I've never done before a first date. Not only that, but I've concluded that I don't want this to be like other first dates. Normally at the beginning I sit back and watch to learn more about my date. Actually he told me that he's disliked meeting women only to find that they are different than who they are in emails. And my observation period is the only difference of who I am no matter what. But my observing comes off as shy and all that implies, which is not me at all. And so I want to be me, the me that my friends see all the time. That's difficult and makes me more nervous than I can even begin to describe. I mean really nervous! So you toss in with that nervous mess, the thoughts of wondering why emails are not consistent. And telling yourself that it's just because he's busy. Because every time he does mention the ball game/date, there is obvious excitement coming from him. I mean I really do know that he can't wait. In fact, Trish has seen my nervousness and questioning--even though I haven't told her that I've been questioning his interest. And there has been a few times where she's comforted me by telling me that he really is interested. And that's something that she doesn't normally do. She's been supportive while I've started dating again. But she's never talked me into or out of anyone. She just listens and doesn't give comments to persuade me in any direction. All except in this instance. She's reassured me like only God knows like I needed. And it's not like I'm suffering from insecurity or anything. I haven't felt this good about myself for quite some time. (Today, I weighed myself. At the beginning of the year I was in the ball park of 280 pounds. Today, I'm down to 227. I don't know if I'll make it down to my high school graduation weight of about 180 by the end of the year. But I'm not worried about it. I'm making progress and that's all that matters to me right now.) I also have a style going on right now that gets the attention of men and women. I'm confident in my beauty and who I am. I am comfortable being me. The only thing I'm not comfortable in is the pre-meeting nervousness. All I want to do is put the face to the personality I've come to know.

I am a stinking genius!

So tonight I finished sending an email, and accidentally dropped my laptop. It fell a foot and a half and what should happen? After calling tech support, because it wouldn't boot up, I'm told it's a damaged hard drive! That's the bad news. Actually there's more bad news. And this is one that I'm most upset about. I had totally revamped 12 chapters in the story that I'm writing, and unless there's a way of extracting that information I have just lost it all! I hadn't saved it to disc. Now the good news because I totally need it right now. The last time I lost work on a story, I rewrote it and it turned out better than before. So this rewrite now better turn out to be brilliant! So that's conditional good news. Here's the honest to goodness good news. I called up tech as soon as I couldn't figure out how to do anything to make my computer work. The best part about being a night owl and something doesn't work, you get service right away! What's better is that I get a new hard drive shipped out to me no charge! Side benefit, I now know where the hard drive is and how to take it out! Yeah me! Then the other good news that I found out is that my laptop is under warranty for another 37 days! So in essence, it is totally a blessing that my drive broke when it did. As I was on the phone with tech support I realized that my journal I was keeping on my laptop, well that's gone. Okay, so I'm not totally broken up about that. Sucks yes, but not broken up about it. But as I started typing that I totally realized that what I did lose that really is heart breaking is my digital photos! I just lost two years worth of photos! Now that I am upset about!!!!!! Because there were a few dang hot ones of myself that I had that I've never had before I took those. Dang it! Please God, let my friends know how to recover information off of a hard drive! Well maybe not all of those photos are completely lost. I did manage to make one back up copy of my files a few months ago. Oh that was a difficult process to figure out how to do that. Which would explain why I don't back it up more recently. But this event could be incentive to go through the torture.

And so while I'm here, I might as well put in a few words of my dating life to update all this. So the man that I started talking to this last week asked me out to a ballgame. Of course I accepted. One, I'd like to meet him face to face and see how it all works out. Two, really can't go wrong with a ball game. In fact, this will be my first ballgame date. It made me smile when he said he'd get the tickets since he did the asking. I couldn't help it. After my last two dates just being coffee dates.... Anyway, so my response was that in that case if we had fun at the game, that I'd try twisting his arm into going to Phantom with me, and those tickets I would get. But it made me laugh when he wrote back saying he'd love to go with me. I honestly meant it the way that I wrote it, that we'd see how the game went, no response necessary at this point. It was just a fair warning type of thing. But before he wrote his response I was looking up ticket information and wondering how I was going to pull it off--picking the right day. So I wasn't too disappointed when he said he wanted to go. Because it definitely gave me the opportunity to ask him when would be a good time, since I could make all the showings but one. As interesting as it has been getting to know this man, I find it quite fascinating that we haven't even gone on the first date (it won't be for three weeks and I'm wondering if my excitement and anticipation will give me a break at all until then) and yet we already have a second date in the works. Honestly that's the first time something like that has happened for me. I'm not too worries about it either. At the end of the game, I'll still ask him if he still wants to go. Either way I'm going to see Phantom and I'll have a date, because there's no way I'm missing it or sitting on a ticket. But I honestly can't wait to see what will happen when we meet. Because either we are going to have a great time or we're not. From our conversations we've been having it is leaning so way over on the great time side. I'm just really going to have to work on not observing at the beginning of the date though. He did make a comment about how a lot of his dates turn out to be something different when he meets them--they get quiet. And that is the only time that I'm quiet is when I'm observing someone. Otherwise quite is generally not the descriptive word used for me.
During this whole experience of online dating, this time around, I have been reading dating articles as well. I figure I've not exactly done a whole lot of dating in the last ten years, it would be nice to be updated on what's going on. Which I'm glad that I have been doing. Because there are a few things that have changed. Coffee dates are the common first date thing, because it gives one the chance of scoping out without being too committed or putting a lot out there for something that doesn't work out. The second thing I learned is that there is more equality expected for financing a date than it use be. Even if the man is old fashioned etiquette still demands the woman to at least make offers to pay. Although this is the funny thing about that rule. Whoever wrote the article said that if the woman offers and the man doesn't at least object, than he's a jerk. But the same goes for the woman, if she doesn't at least offer than she's a jerk. Quite frankly, I still find the whole thing confusing. My perspective, sure I think it's great for the man to pay. I know I sure like being taken care of. But really, you get to go out and do more things together if we're working with two incomes rather than just one. And quite frankly I have no problem making contributions. Especially if it's something I was planning on going out and doing anyway.

Complexities of Dating

Okay so this week has definitely been a very interesting one. Very interesting. I've started talking with a third man. I thought I had two polar opposites before! This one is definitely way different than the other two. I never thought I'd say this, but it's been completely fascinating finding someone of the male persuasion who I have so much in common with. As we exchange more information we find out just how much we are a like in certain things. So far the biggest difference between us is that he's pretty much a die hard football fan. I'll watch a few good games a year.
The second man, I had been talking to, I think I've pretty much decided that even though he would be a safe solid dependable man... I just don't feel that excitement of receiving a message from him like I do with the other two. For example, today he sent a message and I had been hoping it was from the third man. And quite frankly, when you get that disappointment, that is never a good sign. So I think that I'm going to have to break it off in my next response email. I keep telling people that it's best to be up front and honest as quick as possible so there's less chance of someone really getting their feelings hurt. But I'm having a hard time in this case.
The first man... well there's a story this week. We had our first fight, which was over something that was really really stupid. And that fight really revealed something to me. A lot of somethings anyway. One, I took note of how many of my emotions were running and interchanging so quickly. It was like riding a nightmare of a roller coaster and not in the good sense. After spending the last five years in the stability of singlehood, this onslaught of emotions was not pleasant at all. Two, despite all my being careful and taking things easy, I found that I've really started caring for this man. At times he irritates me beyond all else. But then he'll make me laugh. Sometimes it's frightening that I can associate tones of voice with the way he writes on IM. There are even times where I can pick up moods. But it still frustrates me that in essence he acts like a boyfriend but yet he insists on the fact that we're just friends. I try to explain it to myself why it is the way that it is, but it still frustrates me. Nothing was more frustrating than the day after our fight, we got things pretty much straightened out and he makes the comment that we're totally made up. You don't make up with someone unless you are in a serious relationship. With friends, when you fight with them, you get over it and move on. There's no making up. There's not a person alive who will tell a person that they are truly friends with, we're made up. Friends just don't make up. Anyway... since all that we've still been talking everyday, sometimes twice a day. He even called one night.
As much as I have said that I hate online dating because it's like playing the field, I must admit it's probably been a good thing for me. It's built up the desirability factor within me. So now I have cold hard fact to go with what I've always known about myself. I am desirable. I am someone. But this has been good for me too, because I just don't have a readily available circle of single men around me. It has also been interesting to see just how all the ideals that I've thought I wanted plays out in real men. It's no longer theories and fantasies. I can actually see what I really like and what I don't. Besides it's cut me a whole lot of slack with mom. Although I do find it hilarious that she doesn't understand me yet again. She thinks there's something wrong in my relationship with the first man because I've now started to talk regularly with the third man. Truth be told, when she asks I just kind of shrug it off and don't answer her. How do I explain it all? I still prefer the first man, but I'm not sure at all if he will ever act. And I don't want to waste time hoping and wondering. I'm doing all this dating to find someone with whom I can get married to, when the time is right. I just don't know how to encourage the first man to keep moving forward. Everything I've tried, I can't see if it works or not. It is probably for that reason why I've been enjoying the attention that I'm getting else where. I'm not sure what will happen with the third man, where it will go. But at least in our conversations, it has forward movement. And at the same time I really can't compare the two men. The third man I've been talking to for almost a week--so yes there is going to be forward movement. With the first man, we've been talking for about five weeks now. There is a safe and comfortableness that we have in our conversations.
As I told my best friend this week, it was sooo much easier being single. Not that I want to be single or am glamorizing it at all. I could just do without all the emotional stuff going on.

Free Will

Recently I've gone out on two dates, my first two in the last 12 years. I forgot how time consuming it was to put yourself out there in the dating arena. There are moments where I have thoughts that it is just so much easier to not date, just to go on busying up my time with other things. Focusing on other parts of my life. But at the same time, I wonder why I've waited for so long to put myself out there. Not that it's been a recent development or anything. I've been pursuing the online dating thing because I don't have many single friends in my acquaintance anymore. They're all getting married. So the number of single people I know has been quickly shrinking. Not that it's a bad thing. It just means I've had to look in less than traditional areas.
There has only been one drawback, for me, with online dating--it's a way to in essence to play the field to see who all is out there. But I am not the play the field type. So in order for me to do this and not have a problem with my conscience, I have to had to step even more into the world of awkwardness by being honest with men I talk to that I'm talking with other men. That is really the most awkward thing I've ever had to do in my life because the last time I dated, it was all face to face, one on one. I got to know one person at a time. And now there's this.... getting to know a few men at the same time. And it's weird because I'm looking for a meaningful relationship and in my mind, my traditional thinking, it doesn't mesh well with online dating.
Maybe it has more to do with the fact that I have started looking at dating in a whole new light. I remember when I was younger always praying stuff like, "God, please let him...." Oh, there are way too many prayers that were started that way. But the thing that I never knew what I understand now. The one great thing that God gave mankind is free will. It was man's freely given love that God sought for the most. And what we fail to see is that it is the very same thing that we seek in one another.
Over the last few weeks I've had to learn how to be myself and allow a man to be himself. We all want to be ourselves with others and it's the most liberating feeling to be free to be yourself around others. But the hardest thing is to allow another person to be themself when you are trying to "snag" them.
There has been one man that I have been learning this with. What it means to hold your hands out, palms up, when by instinct all you want to do is cling. What it means to allow him to be himself, to make up his own mind without trying to persuade or convince him to any conclusion. What it means to accept him, even with the faults you know he has, and not say a word to try to make, convince, or coerce to change. What it means to take him at face value and still answer truthfully when you know what you think or want is not at all what he thinks or wants. And the truth is the hardest. The truth cuts in a way that is not predictable. And you have to trust that the truth you give will stand on it's own. Truth is the only thing that can't stab you in the back. But the truth is the one thing that affects free will like nothing else. There is no set way that truth reacts with free will. It's not predictable like reactions in a chemistry class. But the reaction is not some random chance. There are laws that govern truth that I don't even begin to understand. And that is what is making this learning experience challenging, exciting, and even beguiling. Because somehow, in some way, the combination of truth and giving someone the freedom of using free will, people change. I change. He changes. And these changes have made me ask questions that I never thought I would ask. What is going on? Why is this happening? How is it happening?
But above all, the hardest thing is not giving into the woman's way of thinking. Trying to read in between the lines. Trying harder not to make the relationship more than it is. And trying even harder yet to keep those hands open--giving him the option to walk away at any time, because there are no promises spoken, no vows, no covenants. The only thing that is there is free will. The only thing present and completely understood is that we are both acting in free will to get to know each other.

Life Changes Are Hard

I've been struggling a lot with how I have to adjust my life around this injury. I just got back from a physical therapy appointment where my therapist once again got after me for doing too much with my wrist. There were times during my family's vacation to Idaho where I picked up Nicolas and Daniel. Do I know I'm not supposed to lift them? Yes. But there's a problem with knowing this. I love playing with my nephews. But more than that, I love to hold them and cuddle with them. And they are still at ages that they crave that kind of attention. And then when they're tired, they still want to be held. I love my nephews and it tears my heart that I can't pick them up and hold them. I suppose I can live well enough with not lifting a lot of things.... Sure, I say that now, but I've been so independent my whole life and now I'm less so. But being chided yet again by my therapist, I wanted to cry. In fact there were some tears that I let go when her back was too me. It's so frustrating.
But there is one thing that is making this time more bareable. I've met someone online on e-harmony. I only renewed my subscription because they offered me a half off discount (I had stopped earlier because I wasn't find anyone and didn't like paying the price). That and in my heart there was hope to finding someone this time. So I started sending messages to anyone who was remotely interesting. Then I found one that I was really intersted in. First thing that caught my attention--his height! That and he's quite handsome. I wasn't too sure how it would turn out to start with, but we've really hit it off. At least once a day we've sent messages to each other. But what gives me the biggest charge is the fact that he's been really trying to impress me. It's been far longer than I care to admit since anyone's tried hard to impress me. I've been flirted with, but no one's tried to impress me. It's actually quite thrilling! But what I find facinating is that there's a great chance that with him there's a lot more things in my life that will make so much more sense. The things which I've always felt that make me not fit in anywhere. That and there's some things that no one in my family is really into, but I'm interested in and he's really into. So I'm looking forward to when we will get the chance to meet in person.
And then at the same time, there are those moments where my heart nearly stops--did I say to much? Then there's the ever present desire to still want to be accepted. It's a rough balance, wanting to be up front and honest, careful not to gloss over things by painting a picture that really isn't you. I love being honest with people, but it seems a bit harder when you can't tell them face to face. You can't guage their reaction. And so with each further exposure that you make with who you are, there is still that heart pounding wait... wait... waiting for that next message. And then there's that great release when you see that next message, and you savor every moment. Only to go one step farther and enter the suspense one more time. And today has been full of those moments. I received three messages today. I know I shouldn't be falling for that rollercoaster, but the fact my head knows what I read in his messages, it doesn't over ride the way my heart beats in anticipation the way that it does. What I read is that my smitten is not one sided. And that is what makes the anticipation grow even more, each time. Oh, how long it has been since I've felt any of this, and yet at the same time it's all new.

Life After Surgery

So 23 April I had my surgery for my wrist, which I hurt back in February (16). Today I finally sat down to start blogging again. This last Thursday my cast came off, along with my stitches being removed and the two pins pulled out. Despite not having any mobility in my right hand right now, it just feels good to have all five of my fingers out in the open.
Life has most certainly not been easy these last two months. The day before my surgery, the company I work for literally threw me under the bus--they wrote me up and threatened to fire me if I didn't change. Instead of supporting me and the decisions that I had to make, the district manager and manager decided to listen to employees under me who had a personal vendetta against me (yep you probably guessed it, my favorite male employee who caused all those problems, and he pulled in all his friends to help him out). I was going to blog about this that night, but I'm glad that I didn't. I was sooo furious!!! What I would have written would only have looked bad for me. I was literally blind with rage. It was nothing pretty. In fact, my rage was as unchristian like as I have been in a very long time. And I tell you that for me to be able to say I have forgiven all these people, it is probably the hardest thing I have every had to do, ever. I was wronged like no other. I spent four months in non-stop extreme pain, still giving my best and not receive any bad feed back from customers about the service that I gave them. All this while opening a new high profile cafeteria with a staff that was 90% new hires with no experience. To forgive.... I honestly didn't want to forgive them. But I had no other choice--not because of them, but because of who I was becoming. There is nothing that I can do about them, I can't force them to do anything. All that is in my control is how I react and allow my life to be influenced my them. Even though I defended myself, my anger was literally eating me alive. I had to forgive to free myself from my own wrath. I had to forgive to bring peace back into my life. And I learned, through it all, that is the real purpose for forgiveness. Any church attending person can tell you that we are to forgive because God tells us to (or the super cheesy "because Christ first loved us"). Let's face it, the world will only answer "so what" to those reasons. It means nothing. The reason why it's important to forgive is because when we don't, the power behind unforgiveness overtakes us and makes us miserable--restlessness, sleeplessness, ultimately the failing of our health because of stress. I purposely phrased it the power of unforgiveness because when we are angry at someone we feel power. Let's admit it, we like the feeling of having power over someone else. I admit it. It's a pure power that is intense and grows the longer that we hold on to it and feed it. But it is a power that only leads to the destruction of someone--ultimately ourselves.
I wish I could say that forgiveness was the only thing that I had to fight over for nearly two months now. But it wasn't. I wanted the power because of the vulnerable weakness that I had inside--what I was trying to protect. My strong hand was gone. Although there's a lot that I can do left handed, it's not my strong hand. I'm not one to ask for help, because my childhood and teen years (oh let's face it, my whole life) has been spent in self reliance. Now I needed more help than I have asked for in a very long time. Not only that, but that helplessness was magnified greatly with what happened at work. I've always been a hard worker, 110%, and to have people tell me I'm not even giving 50% (which is a generous correlation of what I was being told)... imagine that. I was beat up inside and out.
I haven't been the same person. It takes a long time to build up self assurance, once it's been ripped to shreds. I know it's hard for people to understand me when I say this, because there have been quite a few people in my life who more than likely would describe me as the poster child of self confidence. I have been anything but. This has been the weakest point in my life. Truth be told, I don't know how to build it back up, or more to the point how long. I have a feeling that this trial in my life has taught me a meekness and gentleness that I've never had before. Now, I struggle to find myself as now I'm back to teaching my kindergarten Sunday school class. I'm not the same teacher, and I don't know why. This is where I feel the most loss of confidence and I don't know why. I don't know. Maybe I came back too soon. And that could be it. But I could only put it off for so long when I kept getting calls on when I would be returning and being told stories about my class. The best thing I heard about my kids was that all the substitute teachers (including the Children's Pastor's Wife) all remarked on how well behaved my kids are--I already knew that they were better behaved than the older children, and now others know it not! I got complements about how I was forming them, but I don't see it that way. I get the privilege of being a part of a year in their lives. It's not what I pour into them. God gives me great kids to teach. But above all, these kids are the kids that God gives me to fill the hole in my heart. I have no children of my own, but for 2-4 hours each week I have anywhere up to 30 children to pour my love into. For those few hours they are my children, my kids, my little ones.

what makes me LAUGH at 230 in the norning

this was one of those moments in life where i woke myself up from a deep sleep with a vary audible laugh. So i decided that i would stay up long enough to bring back some memories--yes anyone who has a group of friends long enough know what times i am referring to.

and away we go.

okay so there i am on stage with my dream drama friends (yes that is the proper term for those people you are suddenly stuck with, but instantly know what to get away with. it all getting riotous when all of a sudden one of the men has been volunteered to be the stand in for the roastling pig. he decides that he's going to go against convention and take whatever money he wants, which means that several people's portions were missing. thus the malee because everyone has by now jumped on the pig--every man for himself. i jump into the middle of it with a marker, which in turn caused an uproar because he's never successfully removed marker before. needless to day, used the marker on him while he slept and all hell broke loose when he woke.

the next problem to solve is how do you stop a monkey from throwing his pooh, no redecorating the cage does not help. it doesn't matter if there were pretty thing around, monkeys still flung pooh. and i don't know what i was asking for, but into your cage i went. as i entered the cage, the monkey continued to throw pooh.

DON'T ASK ME WHAT THIS WAS ALL ABOUT! I TRIED TO REREAD THIS AND FINISH THE SENTENCE THAT I LEFT OFF HALFWAY THROUGH. I ENDED UP HAVING TO DELETE THE LAST PARTIAL SENTENCE WHEN I FOUND MYSELF ASKING : "WHAT THE HECK?" MUST HAVE BEEN THE DRUGS. YEAH MEDICINE!