As much as I have enjoyed the attention of others living vicariously through my "love life", the last several days have caused me no uncertain amount of stress. (I use "love life" becuase that's what the girls at my physical therapist's office call it, despite the fact that it's just my dating life.) It's stressful enough to meet new people and take the chance of going on a date with them. Some don't work, but thank goodness that others do. And if it were not enough to live non-stop with my own "woman thinking" (you know, everything leading up to and sometimes including over rationalizing) there's the additional outside information to process by the causual observers of my life. It's not that I dislike the observers (everyone who knows me knows that I'd tell people to butt out if I didn't want them to know), but I'm beginning to think that there really is such a thing as too much information. And usually this information comes from family. Now that they know I'm putting myself out there, they have a billion questions. This is particularly true with my family seeing how by now they've heard, what is it, six different names of men. Of course they are curious as to why there are so many men, if there's something wrong with so-and-so which causes me to keep looking, and I'm sure you get the drift. It probably all boils down to two facts. They are playing catch up to learn the definition of what it means to date online--which I'm just now beginning to understand myself. And I have never been the play the field type. I struggle enough on my own with this new experience of playing the field, because that's online dating. The last thing I need is my mother to give me crap about it. Although on this subject, my youngest sister has been the most supportive. She kind of thinks it's cool that I've been in the get-to-know-you stage with three men at once. Before she got married, she was in that same place once, but with only two men. I'm glad she thinks it's cool, because I don't. Particularly when the men involved are great guys. I don't want to hurt them and at the same time I want to give them their fair chance. And let's face it, regardless of all good intentions, I still compare them. Yeah, you hit it off with them, but what is it that I'm really looking for? And despite the fact that women start thinking about marriage once puberty hits, and who the perfect man would be, those ideals sometimes don't work in real life. And then there's no such thing as a perfect man. But on the plus side, these men have actually shown me what would be best for me. Getting to know them, in all their uniqueness, I've actually noticed a few thing that I would never have thought about or seen otherwise. In fact, there's one man who has shown me that one ideal I held on to (despite everyone saying that it was impossible) really can happen. In fact, this man has become the mark that all other men are being compared to, right now. And it's not because he's perfect. His personality just blows my mind away.
Well that being said, it's with this man in particular that all my vicarious observers have nearly sent me into a mental melt down. From my standpoint with this man, I'm still nervous about a lot of thing. The relationship is still very new, despite the fact that we've been talking for over a month now. (Laugh if you want at the phrasing at that sentence, but I've cut relationships off after a couple of days. So this man has made the cuts and lasted longer than most--which is the whole context of what I'm refering to in that sentence.) One friend is completely giddy for me. Another friend has told me I'm funny. And one of the ladies from the physical therapist's office said that she has chills over him. Okay my brain is full enough with just me. You toss these reactions in as well and it's no wonder my brain is melting! All I want to ask is, "What the heck is it that you all see?" What am I missing? I mean it's a horrible feeling when you are left out of the loop in your own "love life". Did I mention that these are all married women??? Darn it, at least let me buy the vowel!
Regardless of my preference for this man, there is another one that I have been recently talking with who is interesting. I don't like him like I do the first, but I enjoy his conversations. And that added to my stress because I at times feel like I don't know what I want. And today I realized that this was causing me to worry. And while struggling through those feelings, I found the the one thing that brought me peace. Things work out in the end. It can't get much simpler than that. My faith right now is finding someone to share my life with. And the thing about faith is that the only thing you can do is act upon it. This is especially true when other people are involved. We all have free will, and there is not a force around that will change that. My free will will not be taken away. Neither will anyone else's free will. So I must move my feet and do. Regardless, something will happen. Something always happen when we move our feet and do. If we stand in one place and do nothing, than nothing will happen.
No comments:
Post a Comment