So a few days back I emailed my sisters and told them what was bothering me. Out of three emails, only one got sent through--to the sister I included because she might as well be in the loop. Even though it was the exact same email, with all their names on it, the two I meant for it to go to never received it. The one who did get the email read it and called the other two to see if they read it. Having heard they didn't get it, she forwarded it to them.
That is just crap that I'm tired of happening.
On the plus side, my youngest sister is now talking to me like she use to before the whole engagement fiasco.
On the down side, my engaged sister is still not talking to me. Instead she's talking to everyone else about me, still. Which has caused my youngest sister to feel like she has to play middle man.
That is just crap that I'm tired of happening.
So I fired off another email to my engaged sister. I won't force her to talk to me face to face. No, she has to make that decision herself. But neither am I going to allow her to get away with ignoring me and not talk to me at all. That is flat out bull shit, not crap, but bull shit!
So I've decided to play nasty. She doesn't want to talk to me, fine. Every time I hear anything about her talking about me to others and not coming to me she'll get another email. I entitled tonight's "Are you going to talk to me?" I figure that has a nice little ring to it. I'll keep asking her that over and over again until she finally breaks down. Frankly I don't care if, when she breaks down, she starts yelling at me. Tonight I told her that her anger is her own problem and I'm not to blame for it. Nor am I blaming her if I get angry. If I have to keep pushing her buttons, I will. I don't care if she is a bride. And I'm not going to listen to that crap about the bride being overcome about the wedding. A person is more important than a celebratory event. And she might as well face it. If she can't talk to her own sister, what in the hell convinces her that she can talk to her fiance? There will be days where he'll piss her off more than I ever will. So she might as well get that practice down and out with. And that's precisely my excuse if anyone else in the family gives me crap about it either.
I am protesting Crap!!!!!!!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Barely Hanging On
I honestly don't know what's going on!
Today my mom progressed to have at me for being a cold hearted bitch about my sister's upcoming wedding. The one time she asked if I was planning on staying with the family during the whole time they were going to be down in Oregon for the wedding or just for the day of the wedding, I said I didn't know. Today mom said that I said I wasn't going to the wedding at all. I wanted to smack her like no other moment in my life. She thinks that little of me! There has never been a day where I've never gone to anything important to my sisters.
And yet again, when I tried to explain to her my feelings and how decisions that everyone is making without me comes across and yet again she puts a tick mark in the bitch box against me. As if I'm supposed to be happy that on the draft of room arrangements that I've been shoved off in a room far away from my family! I feel like shit as it is and she doesn't even see how that makes me feel worse, like the family is rejecting me because I'm having a hard time with my other younger sister being married before me. What? I'm supposed to jump for joy that both my sisters get married before me? In what world is that going to happen????
On top of that, she accuses me of burning my bridges with my sisters. The ever famous words "well, one day you're going to get married...." and then progressed to abuse me with the thoughts that my sisters will turn up their noses and turn their backs on me on that day. Oh I wanted to give into my anger! She blames me for the crappy relationship that I have with my engaged sister, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I gave her case and point with recent birthday's/girl's night out. My sisters invite me to go along with them and then completely ignore me while we're out. Again, one more thing for me to smile, be happy, and jump up and down about. Yeah, not! My mom's response, "well, you know brides." I laughed at my mom at that point. These examples were before the engagement. Mom's response--my sister knew that she's soon be proposed to.
How the hell did I become the designated ass hole in the family???
Dad didn't say a word the whole time through.
On top of it all, mom wants me to suck it up and kiss my sister's ass and make our relationship right. Again, I laughed. She blows me off and all my past attempts. It is not my fault at all. Even in that conversation mom told me about how my sister had difficulty communicating to her fiance about what she wants. Case and point she has trouble with communication, and yet I'm the one who's to blame for everything. Oh and mom won't have this conversation with her because my sister is too concerned with the wedding. I have to be the one to have the discussion with my sister. And I have to be gentle about it. Translation: Don't upset your sister, because if I hear about it I'll hunt you down. And it'll probably be worth about 50 ticks in the bitch box. Is it any wonder why I'm angry?
It's been only a week and I swear I'm tired of this drama. I'm tired of the crappy crying mess I've turned into. And above all I'm tired of being angry. I'm normally a happy person and now I'm beginning to question if that person ever existed because I'm a far cry from that right now. And I miss that person. The only time I come close to being normal is when I lock myself away and work on my novel. But guess what? When I do that mom tick off another mark in the bitch box. It's like there's nothing I can do to make her or anyone else in the family happy. And in the mean time I'm making myself miserable.
Instead of continuing to be happy with me about my writing and the opportunities I have with agents who want to look at my novel, my writing is not a mark against me because it's "taking you away from the family". Are you serious???? This is a dream of mind long before I graduated from High School. I have the opportunity to turn this into a profession and career. But instead of being something good, it enables me to be a bitch.
The only time mom is happy now is if I agree to do something for the cause (the wedding). I finally found something that doesn't absolutely kill me to do and agree to do it. Then what happens, mom pushes me into accepting to do other things, because that one is not enough. In response I also get, "I'm proud of you" as if I'm an alcoholic and turn down a shot starting me in the face. I don't want her pride, her thanks, or anything else. I'll do what I can without feeling like shit and I don't want to hear a word about it.
Ah! I can't wait until this all past me. I wish my sister was getting married next week. Then I can get back to my life and not have to put up with all this dramatic crap!!!!
Today my mom progressed to have at me for being a cold hearted bitch about my sister's upcoming wedding. The one time she asked if I was planning on staying with the family during the whole time they were going to be down in Oregon for the wedding or just for the day of the wedding, I said I didn't know. Today mom said that I said I wasn't going to the wedding at all. I wanted to smack her like no other moment in my life. She thinks that little of me! There has never been a day where I've never gone to anything important to my sisters.
And yet again, when I tried to explain to her my feelings and how decisions that everyone is making without me comes across and yet again she puts a tick mark in the bitch box against me. As if I'm supposed to be happy that on the draft of room arrangements that I've been shoved off in a room far away from my family! I feel like shit as it is and she doesn't even see how that makes me feel worse, like the family is rejecting me because I'm having a hard time with my other younger sister being married before me. What? I'm supposed to jump for joy that both my sisters get married before me? In what world is that going to happen????
On top of that, she accuses me of burning my bridges with my sisters. The ever famous words "well, one day you're going to get married...." and then progressed to abuse me with the thoughts that my sisters will turn up their noses and turn their backs on me on that day. Oh I wanted to give into my anger! She blames me for the crappy relationship that I have with my engaged sister, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I gave her case and point with recent birthday's/girl's night out. My sisters invite me to go along with them and then completely ignore me while we're out. Again, one more thing for me to smile, be happy, and jump up and down about. Yeah, not! My mom's response, "well, you know brides." I laughed at my mom at that point. These examples were before the engagement. Mom's response--my sister knew that she's soon be proposed to.
How the hell did I become the designated ass hole in the family???
Dad didn't say a word the whole time through.
On top of it all, mom wants me to suck it up and kiss my sister's ass and make our relationship right. Again, I laughed. She blows me off and all my past attempts. It is not my fault at all. Even in that conversation mom told me about how my sister had difficulty communicating to her fiance about what she wants. Case and point she has trouble with communication, and yet I'm the one who's to blame for everything. Oh and mom won't have this conversation with her because my sister is too concerned with the wedding. I have to be the one to have the discussion with my sister. And I have to be gentle about it. Translation: Don't upset your sister, because if I hear about it I'll hunt you down. And it'll probably be worth about 50 ticks in the bitch box. Is it any wonder why I'm angry?
It's been only a week and I swear I'm tired of this drama. I'm tired of the crappy crying mess I've turned into. And above all I'm tired of being angry. I'm normally a happy person and now I'm beginning to question if that person ever existed because I'm a far cry from that right now. And I miss that person. The only time I come close to being normal is when I lock myself away and work on my novel. But guess what? When I do that mom tick off another mark in the bitch box. It's like there's nothing I can do to make her or anyone else in the family happy. And in the mean time I'm making myself miserable.
Instead of continuing to be happy with me about my writing and the opportunities I have with agents who want to look at my novel, my writing is not a mark against me because it's "taking you away from the family". Are you serious???? This is a dream of mind long before I graduated from High School. I have the opportunity to turn this into a profession and career. But instead of being something good, it enables me to be a bitch.
The only time mom is happy now is if I agree to do something for the cause (the wedding). I finally found something that doesn't absolutely kill me to do and agree to do it. Then what happens, mom pushes me into accepting to do other things, because that one is not enough. In response I also get, "I'm proud of you" as if I'm an alcoholic and turn down a shot starting me in the face. I don't want her pride, her thanks, or anything else. I'll do what I can without feeling like shit and I don't want to hear a word about it.
Ah! I can't wait until this all past me. I wish my sister was getting married next week. Then I can get back to my life and not have to put up with all this dramatic crap!!!!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Hoping Not to Be the Scrooge of Weddings
I honestly wonder how long I can keep my emotions in check.
Tonight my sister announced her engagement. It did not come as a shock. The second time that her fiance come over to dinner with the family, that was the moment that I knew he was the man for her. So I was not surprised by this announcement. Nor was I surprised by my emotional reaction, which I had to keep to myself.
As the oldest of three girls, everything in my being cries injustice. I should have been the first one married. And now I will be the last.
Yes, one can argue that times have changed. The birth order of female children no longer dictates when/in which order one marries. But there's this innate feeling inside that cries out that this is all wrong, natural order has been broken. And it frickin' hurts. It's actually a hundred times worse than a biological clock unfulfilled. And now I wonder just how I can contain everything that breaks inside of me, one more time.
I handled my youngest sister's marriage very poorly. There was very little I could have done that would have been worse. And I was determined never to be that bad again (even though I prayed that I would never have to face this situation again). Lo and behold, that prayer was not answered. And on Day 1 the only thing I can announce is that I did not cry in front of my family and I did not have a bad attitude. Fortunately I have been so absorbed in the revisions of my novel that I had that excuse tonight for my silence. In truth I was practicing self control and trying hard not to have history repeat. And I knew my mother would ask why I was so quiet (she had this knack of pointing out my weaknesses, as if I actually need her help). And so I lied. Damn, that's one thing that I've gotten to good at through the years. And tonight was the perfect production. No one suspected a thing.
And all the while I suffered. No moment was worse than when my sister announced that she wants to get married in November or February. I wanted to run from the table or make a scene at that point. How could she dare pick my birth month?! Isn't it bad enough that I have to live through this crap. So I'm possessive of one flipping month. I think I deserve that. Now I've struggled all night long how to tactfully tell her to pick February. I'll survive a February wedding. But I swear I don't know how I'll react if she chooses November. It's a hard enough month for me just facing a birthday (and half the time those birthdays have been catastrophes in the past). The last thing I want to do is face a wedding and an impending birthday.
Why the hell can't I have a birthday where I'm not looking over my shoulder with paranoia? Why can't I have a problem where I can actually talk to a friend who can somewhat relate? Nope, all my friends are married. So now I'm left with journaling my feelings out between taking shots and searching movie listings for a good action flick that has absolutely no romance involved.
Tonight my sister announced her engagement. It did not come as a shock. The second time that her fiance come over to dinner with the family, that was the moment that I knew he was the man for her. So I was not surprised by this announcement. Nor was I surprised by my emotional reaction, which I had to keep to myself.
As the oldest of three girls, everything in my being cries injustice. I should have been the first one married. And now I will be the last.
Yes, one can argue that times have changed. The birth order of female children no longer dictates when/in which order one marries. But there's this innate feeling inside that cries out that this is all wrong, natural order has been broken. And it frickin' hurts. It's actually a hundred times worse than a biological clock unfulfilled. And now I wonder just how I can contain everything that breaks inside of me, one more time.
I handled my youngest sister's marriage very poorly. There was very little I could have done that would have been worse. And I was determined never to be that bad again (even though I prayed that I would never have to face this situation again). Lo and behold, that prayer was not answered. And on Day 1 the only thing I can announce is that I did not cry in front of my family and I did not have a bad attitude. Fortunately I have been so absorbed in the revisions of my novel that I had that excuse tonight for my silence. In truth I was practicing self control and trying hard not to have history repeat. And I knew my mother would ask why I was so quiet (she had this knack of pointing out my weaknesses, as if I actually need her help). And so I lied. Damn, that's one thing that I've gotten to good at through the years. And tonight was the perfect production. No one suspected a thing.
And all the while I suffered. No moment was worse than when my sister announced that she wants to get married in November or February. I wanted to run from the table or make a scene at that point. How could she dare pick my birth month?! Isn't it bad enough that I have to live through this crap. So I'm possessive of one flipping month. I think I deserve that. Now I've struggled all night long how to tactfully tell her to pick February. I'll survive a February wedding. But I swear I don't know how I'll react if she chooses November. It's a hard enough month for me just facing a birthday (and half the time those birthdays have been catastrophes in the past). The last thing I want to do is face a wedding and an impending birthday.
Why the hell can't I have a birthday where I'm not looking over my shoulder with paranoia? Why can't I have a problem where I can actually talk to a friend who can somewhat relate? Nope, all my friends are married. So now I'm left with journaling my feelings out between taking shots and searching movie listings for a good action flick that has absolutely no romance involved.
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