Barely Hanging On

I honestly don't know what's going on!
Today my mom progressed to have at me for being a cold hearted bitch about my sister's upcoming wedding. The one time she asked if I was planning on staying with the family during the whole time they were going to be down in Oregon for the wedding or just for the day of the wedding, I said I didn't know. Today mom said that I said I wasn't going to the wedding at all. I wanted to smack her like no other moment in my life. She thinks that little of me! There has never been a day where I've never gone to anything important to my sisters.
And yet again, when I tried to explain to her my feelings and how decisions that everyone is making without me comes across and yet again she puts a tick mark in the bitch box against me. As if I'm supposed to be happy that on the draft of room arrangements that I've been shoved off in a room far away from my family! I feel like shit as it is and she doesn't even see how that makes me feel worse, like the family is rejecting me because I'm having a hard time with my other younger sister being married before me. What? I'm supposed to jump for joy that both my sisters get married before me? In what world is that going to happen????
On top of that, she accuses me of burning my bridges with my sisters. The ever famous words "well, one day you're going to get married...." and then progressed to abuse me with the thoughts that my sisters will turn up their noses and turn their backs on me on that day. Oh I wanted to give into my anger! She blames me for the crappy relationship that I have with my engaged sister, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I gave her case and point with recent birthday's/girl's night out. My sisters invite me to go along with them and then completely ignore me while we're out. Again, one more thing for me to smile, be happy, and jump up and down about. Yeah, not! My mom's response, "well, you know brides." I laughed at my mom at that point. These examples were before the engagement. Mom's response--my sister knew that she's soon be proposed to.
How the hell did I become the designated ass hole in the family???
Dad didn't say a word the whole time through.
On top of it all, mom wants me to suck it up and kiss my sister's ass and make our relationship right. Again, I laughed. She blows me off and all my past attempts. It is not my fault at all. Even in that conversation mom told me about how my sister had difficulty communicating to her fiance about what she wants. Case and point she has trouble with communication, and yet I'm the one who's to blame for everything. Oh and mom won't have this conversation with her because my sister is too concerned with the wedding. I have to be the one to have the discussion with my sister. And I have to be gentle about it. Translation: Don't upset your sister, because if I hear about it I'll hunt you down. And it'll probably be worth about 50 ticks in the bitch box. Is it any wonder why I'm angry?
It's been only a week and I swear I'm tired of this drama. I'm tired of the crappy crying mess I've turned into. And above all I'm tired of being angry. I'm normally a happy person and now I'm beginning to question if that person ever existed because I'm a far cry from that right now. And I miss that person. The only time I come close to being normal is when I lock myself away and work on my novel. But guess what? When I do that mom tick off another mark in the bitch box. It's like there's nothing I can do to make her or anyone else in the family happy. And in the mean time I'm making myself miserable.
Instead of continuing to be happy with me about my writing and the opportunities I have with agents who want to look at my novel, my writing is not a mark against me because it's "taking you away from the family". Are you serious???? This is a dream of mind long before I graduated from High School. I have the opportunity to turn this into a profession and career. But instead of being something good, it enables me to be a bitch.
The only time mom is happy now is if I agree to do something for the cause (the wedding). I finally found something that doesn't absolutely kill me to do and agree to do it. Then what happens, mom pushes me into accepting to do other things, because that one is not enough. In response I also get, "I'm proud of you" as if I'm an alcoholic and turn down a shot starting me in the face. I don't want her pride, her thanks, or anything else. I'll do what I can without feeling like shit and I don't want to hear a word about it.
Ah! I can't wait until this all past me. I wish my sister was getting married next week. Then I can get back to my life and not have to put up with all this dramatic crap!!!!