I've been struggling a lot with how I have to adjust my life around this injury. I just got back from a physical therapy appointment where my therapist once again got after me for doing too much with my wrist. There were times during my family's vacation to Idaho where I picked up Nicolas and Daniel. Do I know I'm not supposed to lift them? Yes. But there's a problem with knowing this. I love playing with my nephews. But more than that, I love to hold them and cuddle with them. And they are still at ages that they crave that kind of attention. And then when they're tired, they still want to be held. I love my nephews and it tears my heart that I can't pick them up and hold them. I suppose I can live well enough with not lifting a lot of things.... Sure, I say that now, but I've been so independent my whole life and now I'm less so. But being chided yet again by my therapist, I wanted to cry. In fact there were some tears that I let go when her back was too me. It's so frustrating.
But there is one thing that is making this time more bareable. I've met someone online on e-harmony. I only renewed my subscription because they offered me a half off discount (I had stopped earlier because I wasn't find anyone and didn't like paying the price). That and in my heart there was hope to finding someone this time. So I started sending messages to anyone who was remotely interesting. Then I found one that I was really intersted in. First thing that caught my attention--his height! That and he's quite handsome. I wasn't too sure how it would turn out to start with, but we've really hit it off. At least once a day we've sent messages to each other. But what gives me the biggest charge is the fact that he's been really trying to impress me. It's been far longer than I care to admit since anyone's tried hard to impress me. I've been flirted with, but no one's tried to impress me. It's actually quite thrilling! But what I find facinating is that there's a great chance that with him there's a lot more things in my life that will make so much more sense. The things which I've always felt that make me not fit in anywhere. That and there's some things that no one in my family is really into, but I'm interested in and he's really into. So I'm looking forward to when we will get the chance to meet in person.
And then at the same time, there are those moments where my heart nearly stops--did I say to much? Then there's the ever present desire to still want to be accepted. It's a rough balance, wanting to be up front and honest, careful not to gloss over things by painting a picture that really isn't you. I love being honest with people, but it seems a bit harder when you can't tell them face to face. You can't guage their reaction. And so with each further exposure that you make with who you are, there is still that heart pounding wait... wait... waiting for that next message. And then there's that great release when you see that next message, and you savor every moment. Only to go one step farther and enter the suspense one more time. And today has been full of those moments. I received three messages today. I know I shouldn't be falling for that rollercoaster, but the fact my head knows what I read in his messages, it doesn't over ride the way my heart beats in anticipation the way that it does. What I read is that my smitten is not one sided. And that is what makes the anticipation grow even more, each time. Oh, how long it has been since I've felt any of this, and yet at the same time it's all new.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Life After Surgery
So 23 April I had my surgery for my wrist, which I hurt back in February (16). Today I finally sat down to start blogging again. This last Thursday my cast came off, along with my stitches being removed and the two pins pulled out. Despite not having any mobility in my right hand right now, it just feels good to have all five of my fingers out in the open.
Life has most certainly not been easy these last two months. The day before my surgery, the company I work for literally threw me under the bus--they wrote me up and threatened to fire me if I didn't change. Instead of supporting me and the decisions that I had to make, the district manager and manager decided to listen to employees under me who had a personal vendetta against me (yep you probably guessed it, my favorite male employee who caused all those problems, and he pulled in all his friends to help him out). I was going to blog about this that night, but I'm glad that I didn't. I was sooo furious!!! What I would have written would only have looked bad for me. I was literally blind with rage. It was nothing pretty. In fact, my rage was as unchristian like as I have been in a very long time. And I tell you that for me to be able to say I have forgiven all these people, it is probably the hardest thing I have every had to do, ever. I was wronged like no other. I spent four months in non-stop extreme pain, still giving my best and not receive any bad feed back from customers about the service that I gave them. All this while opening a new high profile cafeteria with a staff that was 90% new hires with no experience. To forgive.... I honestly didn't want to forgive them. But I had no other choice--not because of them, but because of who I was becoming. There is nothing that I can do about them, I can't force them to do anything. All that is in my control is how I react and allow my life to be influenced my them. Even though I defended myself, my anger was literally eating me alive. I had to forgive to free myself from my own wrath. I had to forgive to bring peace back into my life. And I learned, through it all, that is the real purpose for forgiveness. Any church attending person can tell you that we are to forgive because God tells us to (or the super cheesy "because Christ first loved us"). Let's face it, the world will only answer "so what" to those reasons. It means nothing. The reason why it's important to forgive is because when we don't, the power behind unforgiveness overtakes us and makes us miserable--restlessness, sleeplessness, ultimately the failing of our health because of stress. I purposely phrased it the power of unforgiveness because when we are angry at someone we feel power. Let's admit it, we like the feeling of having power over someone else. I admit it. It's a pure power that is intense and grows the longer that we hold on to it and feed it. But it is a power that only leads to the destruction of someone--ultimately ourselves.
I wish I could say that forgiveness was the only thing that I had to fight over for nearly two months now. But it wasn't. I wanted the power because of the vulnerable weakness that I had inside--what I was trying to protect. My strong hand was gone. Although there's a lot that I can do left handed, it's not my strong hand. I'm not one to ask for help, because my childhood and teen years (oh let's face it, my whole life) has been spent in self reliance. Now I needed more help than I have asked for in a very long time. Not only that, but that helplessness was magnified greatly with what happened at work. I've always been a hard worker, 110%, and to have people tell me I'm not even giving 50% (which is a generous correlation of what I was being told)... imagine that. I was beat up inside and out.
I haven't been the same person. It takes a long time to build up self assurance, once it's been ripped to shreds. I know it's hard for people to understand me when I say this, because there have been quite a few people in my life who more than likely would describe me as the poster child of self confidence. I have been anything but. This has been the weakest point in my life. Truth be told, I don't know how to build it back up, or more to the point how long. I have a feeling that this trial in my life has taught me a meekness and gentleness that I've never had before. Now, I struggle to find myself as now I'm back to teaching my kindergarten Sunday school class. I'm not the same teacher, and I don't know why. This is where I feel the most loss of confidence and I don't know why. I don't know. Maybe I came back too soon. And that could be it. But I could only put it off for so long when I kept getting calls on when I would be returning and being told stories about my class. The best thing I heard about my kids was that all the substitute teachers (including the Children's Pastor's Wife) all remarked on how well behaved my kids are--I already knew that they were better behaved than the older children, and now others know it not! I got complements about how I was forming them, but I don't see it that way. I get the privilege of being a part of a year in their lives. It's not what I pour into them. God gives me great kids to teach. But above all, these kids are the kids that God gives me to fill the hole in my heart. I have no children of my own, but for 2-4 hours each week I have anywhere up to 30 children to pour my love into. For those few hours they are my children, my kids, my little ones.
Life has most certainly not been easy these last two months. The day before my surgery, the company I work for literally threw me under the bus--they wrote me up and threatened to fire me if I didn't change. Instead of supporting me and the decisions that I had to make, the district manager and manager decided to listen to employees under me who had a personal vendetta against me (yep you probably guessed it, my favorite male employee who caused all those problems, and he pulled in all his friends to help him out). I was going to blog about this that night, but I'm glad that I didn't. I was sooo furious!!! What I would have written would only have looked bad for me. I was literally blind with rage. It was nothing pretty. In fact, my rage was as unchristian like as I have been in a very long time. And I tell you that for me to be able to say I have forgiven all these people, it is probably the hardest thing I have every had to do, ever. I was wronged like no other. I spent four months in non-stop extreme pain, still giving my best and not receive any bad feed back from customers about the service that I gave them. All this while opening a new high profile cafeteria with a staff that was 90% new hires with no experience. To forgive.... I honestly didn't want to forgive them. But I had no other choice--not because of them, but because of who I was becoming. There is nothing that I can do about them, I can't force them to do anything. All that is in my control is how I react and allow my life to be influenced my them. Even though I defended myself, my anger was literally eating me alive. I had to forgive to free myself from my own wrath. I had to forgive to bring peace back into my life. And I learned, through it all, that is the real purpose for forgiveness. Any church attending person can tell you that we are to forgive because God tells us to (or the super cheesy "because Christ first loved us"). Let's face it, the world will only answer "so what" to those reasons. It means nothing. The reason why it's important to forgive is because when we don't, the power behind unforgiveness overtakes us and makes us miserable--restlessness, sleeplessness, ultimately the failing of our health because of stress. I purposely phrased it the power of unforgiveness because when we are angry at someone we feel power. Let's admit it, we like the feeling of having power over someone else. I admit it. It's a pure power that is intense and grows the longer that we hold on to it and feed it. But it is a power that only leads to the destruction of someone--ultimately ourselves.
I wish I could say that forgiveness was the only thing that I had to fight over for nearly two months now. But it wasn't. I wanted the power because of the vulnerable weakness that I had inside--what I was trying to protect. My strong hand was gone. Although there's a lot that I can do left handed, it's not my strong hand. I'm not one to ask for help, because my childhood and teen years (oh let's face it, my whole life) has been spent in self reliance. Now I needed more help than I have asked for in a very long time. Not only that, but that helplessness was magnified greatly with what happened at work. I've always been a hard worker, 110%, and to have people tell me I'm not even giving 50% (which is a generous correlation of what I was being told)... imagine that. I was beat up inside and out.
I haven't been the same person. It takes a long time to build up self assurance, once it's been ripped to shreds. I know it's hard for people to understand me when I say this, because there have been quite a few people in my life who more than likely would describe me as the poster child of self confidence. I have been anything but. This has been the weakest point in my life. Truth be told, I don't know how to build it back up, or more to the point how long. I have a feeling that this trial in my life has taught me a meekness and gentleness that I've never had before. Now, I struggle to find myself as now I'm back to teaching my kindergarten Sunday school class. I'm not the same teacher, and I don't know why. This is where I feel the most loss of confidence and I don't know why. I don't know. Maybe I came back too soon. And that could be it. But I could only put it off for so long when I kept getting calls on when I would be returning and being told stories about my class. The best thing I heard about my kids was that all the substitute teachers (including the Children's Pastor's Wife) all remarked on how well behaved my kids are--I already knew that they were better behaved than the older children, and now others know it not! I got complements about how I was forming them, but I don't see it that way. I get the privilege of being a part of a year in their lives. It's not what I pour into them. God gives me great kids to teach. But above all, these kids are the kids that God gives me to fill the hole in my heart. I have no children of my own, but for 2-4 hours each week I have anywhere up to 30 children to pour my love into. For those few hours they are my children, my kids, my little ones.
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