Okay, so for two days now I've had distracted thoughts.
One of the men that I went out on a date with last year (and for a few months chatted online with) found me on FB and sent the request to be friends. So being hunted down by someone I got along with isn't such a bad thing. It was just really weird. Mainly that's because when my sister announced her engagement I thought about him and wondered if I'd be able to convince him to come and be my "date" to the wedding. Mainly, I think that thought was just to make me feel better about myself--knowing without doubt that there's at least one man who's interested in me. I never did act on that thought of getting back in contact for the reason that with my youngest sister's marriage let's just say that I was not the poster child of brilliant thoughts. So I've been trying to behave myself on a few different fronts.
Anyway, I've been wondering the last two days what's going on, behind the scenes.
I also took a FB quiz: what Austin hero would you end up with. I got Colonel Brandon. I was surprised at first, because Brandon would not be my first choice. But after reflection I noticed that it's true. I do have quite a bit in common with Marianne: head strong, chase what I think is important and brush off what doesn't appear to be important, etc. Through Sense and Sensibility Brandon keeps Marianne in his sights and is there to pick up the pieces for her, loving her all the more.
Oh I know that I've overlooked many men, thinking they weren't exciting enough for me. And after my only regrettable moment in my life I came to the conclusion that I'd forever end up with the good, sweet stable man (and feared that I'd not have that physical excitement)--hello! Can you say Brandon???
Well, here I am with a "Brandon" resurfacing in my life and like a ninny I'm questioning it. Sure, he's not the finest looking man out there, but I'm okay with that only because I realize that I am in serious need of that stable "Brandon" type of man. But there is one issue that I'm not sure I'm ready to take a chance on--a particular character flaw. And it's something that I have to decide if it's something that I'm willing address and deal with. It's not fair for me to try and change him of this issue. But neither is it fair for me to accept it (particularly when I don't like it) and live with it since it is an issue that can potentially break trust. If it were not for this one issue I would probably not hesitate to pursue a relationship and see where it goes. But the truth is that I'm very hesitant.
And I do have to admit that a small portion of the hesitance comes from a fact that there is one man in my church who has had a crush on me for nearly a year now. His face lights up every time he sees me. And what woman doesn't love that kind of reaction. His mother even likes me. And last month he was at a picnic/BBQ that I was at. He was taking pictures of the event and in all honesty, I would not be surprised if I was in half of them. Again, another thing that's very flattering. What I know of him is that he's a good man. And it's not his fault that I'm not attracted to shorter men. I have every confidence that if I were to give him the go ahead, he would treat me quite well. But I feel bad that I can't make myself like him like he likes me.
Maybe my problem is that I'm waiting for someone to convince me he's worth the chance. I know I'm hesitant with either of these men, or others who have recently shown interest, because I don't want my heart broken. Divorce is not an option in my opinion (and I'm shocked with how many of my friends have gotten divorced in the last year), so I'm naturally careful. But there's not been a single man who's tried to convince me to really trust him.
It's kind of funny, really. Everyone is afraid of rejection. And yet not many people know that they are close to being completely accepted. It only takes convincing me.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Protesting Crap
So a few days back I emailed my sisters and told them what was bothering me. Out of three emails, only one got sent through--to the sister I included because she might as well be in the loop. Even though it was the exact same email, with all their names on it, the two I meant for it to go to never received it. The one who did get the email read it and called the other two to see if they read it. Having heard they didn't get it, she forwarded it to them.
That is just crap that I'm tired of happening.
On the plus side, my youngest sister is now talking to me like she use to before the whole engagement fiasco.
On the down side, my engaged sister is still not talking to me. Instead she's talking to everyone else about me, still. Which has caused my youngest sister to feel like she has to play middle man.
That is just crap that I'm tired of happening.
So I fired off another email to my engaged sister. I won't force her to talk to me face to face. No, she has to make that decision herself. But neither am I going to allow her to get away with ignoring me and not talk to me at all. That is flat out bull shit, not crap, but bull shit!
So I've decided to play nasty. She doesn't want to talk to me, fine. Every time I hear anything about her talking about me to others and not coming to me she'll get another email. I entitled tonight's "Are you going to talk to me?" I figure that has a nice little ring to it. I'll keep asking her that over and over again until she finally breaks down. Frankly I don't care if, when she breaks down, she starts yelling at me. Tonight I told her that her anger is her own problem and I'm not to blame for it. Nor am I blaming her if I get angry. If I have to keep pushing her buttons, I will. I don't care if she is a bride. And I'm not going to listen to that crap about the bride being overcome about the wedding. A person is more important than a celebratory event. And she might as well face it. If she can't talk to her own sister, what in the hell convinces her that she can talk to her fiance? There will be days where he'll piss her off more than I ever will. So she might as well get that practice down and out with. And that's precisely my excuse if anyone else in the family gives me crap about it either.
I am protesting Crap!!!!!!!
That is just crap that I'm tired of happening.
On the plus side, my youngest sister is now talking to me like she use to before the whole engagement fiasco.
On the down side, my engaged sister is still not talking to me. Instead she's talking to everyone else about me, still. Which has caused my youngest sister to feel like she has to play middle man.
That is just crap that I'm tired of happening.
So I fired off another email to my engaged sister. I won't force her to talk to me face to face. No, she has to make that decision herself. But neither am I going to allow her to get away with ignoring me and not talk to me at all. That is flat out bull shit, not crap, but bull shit!
So I've decided to play nasty. She doesn't want to talk to me, fine. Every time I hear anything about her talking about me to others and not coming to me she'll get another email. I entitled tonight's "Are you going to talk to me?" I figure that has a nice little ring to it. I'll keep asking her that over and over again until she finally breaks down. Frankly I don't care if, when she breaks down, she starts yelling at me. Tonight I told her that her anger is her own problem and I'm not to blame for it. Nor am I blaming her if I get angry. If I have to keep pushing her buttons, I will. I don't care if she is a bride. And I'm not going to listen to that crap about the bride being overcome about the wedding. A person is more important than a celebratory event. And she might as well face it. If she can't talk to her own sister, what in the hell convinces her that she can talk to her fiance? There will be days where he'll piss her off more than I ever will. So she might as well get that practice down and out with. And that's precisely my excuse if anyone else in the family gives me crap about it either.
I am protesting Crap!!!!!!!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Barely Hanging On
I honestly don't know what's going on!
Today my mom progressed to have at me for being a cold hearted bitch about my sister's upcoming wedding. The one time she asked if I was planning on staying with the family during the whole time they were going to be down in Oregon for the wedding or just for the day of the wedding, I said I didn't know. Today mom said that I said I wasn't going to the wedding at all. I wanted to smack her like no other moment in my life. She thinks that little of me! There has never been a day where I've never gone to anything important to my sisters.
And yet again, when I tried to explain to her my feelings and how decisions that everyone is making without me comes across and yet again she puts a tick mark in the bitch box against me. As if I'm supposed to be happy that on the draft of room arrangements that I've been shoved off in a room far away from my family! I feel like shit as it is and she doesn't even see how that makes me feel worse, like the family is rejecting me because I'm having a hard time with my other younger sister being married before me. What? I'm supposed to jump for joy that both my sisters get married before me? In what world is that going to happen????
On top of that, she accuses me of burning my bridges with my sisters. The ever famous words "well, one day you're going to get married...." and then progressed to abuse me with the thoughts that my sisters will turn up their noses and turn their backs on me on that day. Oh I wanted to give into my anger! She blames me for the crappy relationship that I have with my engaged sister, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I gave her case and point with recent birthday's/girl's night out. My sisters invite me to go along with them and then completely ignore me while we're out. Again, one more thing for me to smile, be happy, and jump up and down about. Yeah, not! My mom's response, "well, you know brides." I laughed at my mom at that point. These examples were before the engagement. Mom's response--my sister knew that she's soon be proposed to.
How the hell did I become the designated ass hole in the family???
Dad didn't say a word the whole time through.
On top of it all, mom wants me to suck it up and kiss my sister's ass and make our relationship right. Again, I laughed. She blows me off and all my past attempts. It is not my fault at all. Even in that conversation mom told me about how my sister had difficulty communicating to her fiance about what she wants. Case and point she has trouble with communication, and yet I'm the one who's to blame for everything. Oh and mom won't have this conversation with her because my sister is too concerned with the wedding. I have to be the one to have the discussion with my sister. And I have to be gentle about it. Translation: Don't upset your sister, because if I hear about it I'll hunt you down. And it'll probably be worth about 50 ticks in the bitch box. Is it any wonder why I'm angry?
It's been only a week and I swear I'm tired of this drama. I'm tired of the crappy crying mess I've turned into. And above all I'm tired of being angry. I'm normally a happy person and now I'm beginning to question if that person ever existed because I'm a far cry from that right now. And I miss that person. The only time I come close to being normal is when I lock myself away and work on my novel. But guess what? When I do that mom tick off another mark in the bitch box. It's like there's nothing I can do to make her or anyone else in the family happy. And in the mean time I'm making myself miserable.
Instead of continuing to be happy with me about my writing and the opportunities I have with agents who want to look at my novel, my writing is not a mark against me because it's "taking you away from the family". Are you serious???? This is a dream of mind long before I graduated from High School. I have the opportunity to turn this into a profession and career. But instead of being something good, it enables me to be a bitch.
The only time mom is happy now is if I agree to do something for the cause (the wedding). I finally found something that doesn't absolutely kill me to do and agree to do it. Then what happens, mom pushes me into accepting to do other things, because that one is not enough. In response I also get, "I'm proud of you" as if I'm an alcoholic and turn down a shot starting me in the face. I don't want her pride, her thanks, or anything else. I'll do what I can without feeling like shit and I don't want to hear a word about it.
Ah! I can't wait until this all past me. I wish my sister was getting married next week. Then I can get back to my life and not have to put up with all this dramatic crap!!!!
Today my mom progressed to have at me for being a cold hearted bitch about my sister's upcoming wedding. The one time she asked if I was planning on staying with the family during the whole time they were going to be down in Oregon for the wedding or just for the day of the wedding, I said I didn't know. Today mom said that I said I wasn't going to the wedding at all. I wanted to smack her like no other moment in my life. She thinks that little of me! There has never been a day where I've never gone to anything important to my sisters.
And yet again, when I tried to explain to her my feelings and how decisions that everyone is making without me comes across and yet again she puts a tick mark in the bitch box against me. As if I'm supposed to be happy that on the draft of room arrangements that I've been shoved off in a room far away from my family! I feel like shit as it is and she doesn't even see how that makes me feel worse, like the family is rejecting me because I'm having a hard time with my other younger sister being married before me. What? I'm supposed to jump for joy that both my sisters get married before me? In what world is that going to happen????
On top of that, she accuses me of burning my bridges with my sisters. The ever famous words "well, one day you're going to get married...." and then progressed to abuse me with the thoughts that my sisters will turn up their noses and turn their backs on me on that day. Oh I wanted to give into my anger! She blames me for the crappy relationship that I have with my engaged sister, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I gave her case and point with recent birthday's/girl's night out. My sisters invite me to go along with them and then completely ignore me while we're out. Again, one more thing for me to smile, be happy, and jump up and down about. Yeah, not! My mom's response, "well, you know brides." I laughed at my mom at that point. These examples were before the engagement. Mom's response--my sister knew that she's soon be proposed to.
How the hell did I become the designated ass hole in the family???
Dad didn't say a word the whole time through.
On top of it all, mom wants me to suck it up and kiss my sister's ass and make our relationship right. Again, I laughed. She blows me off and all my past attempts. It is not my fault at all. Even in that conversation mom told me about how my sister had difficulty communicating to her fiance about what she wants. Case and point she has trouble with communication, and yet I'm the one who's to blame for everything. Oh and mom won't have this conversation with her because my sister is too concerned with the wedding. I have to be the one to have the discussion with my sister. And I have to be gentle about it. Translation: Don't upset your sister, because if I hear about it I'll hunt you down. And it'll probably be worth about 50 ticks in the bitch box. Is it any wonder why I'm angry?
It's been only a week and I swear I'm tired of this drama. I'm tired of the crappy crying mess I've turned into. And above all I'm tired of being angry. I'm normally a happy person and now I'm beginning to question if that person ever existed because I'm a far cry from that right now. And I miss that person. The only time I come close to being normal is when I lock myself away and work on my novel. But guess what? When I do that mom tick off another mark in the bitch box. It's like there's nothing I can do to make her or anyone else in the family happy. And in the mean time I'm making myself miserable.
Instead of continuing to be happy with me about my writing and the opportunities I have with agents who want to look at my novel, my writing is not a mark against me because it's "taking you away from the family". Are you serious???? This is a dream of mind long before I graduated from High School. I have the opportunity to turn this into a profession and career. But instead of being something good, it enables me to be a bitch.
The only time mom is happy now is if I agree to do something for the cause (the wedding). I finally found something that doesn't absolutely kill me to do and agree to do it. Then what happens, mom pushes me into accepting to do other things, because that one is not enough. In response I also get, "I'm proud of you" as if I'm an alcoholic and turn down a shot starting me in the face. I don't want her pride, her thanks, or anything else. I'll do what I can without feeling like shit and I don't want to hear a word about it.
Ah! I can't wait until this all past me. I wish my sister was getting married next week. Then I can get back to my life and not have to put up with all this dramatic crap!!!!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Hoping Not to Be the Scrooge of Weddings
I honestly wonder how long I can keep my emotions in check.
Tonight my sister announced her engagement. It did not come as a shock. The second time that her fiance come over to dinner with the family, that was the moment that I knew he was the man for her. So I was not surprised by this announcement. Nor was I surprised by my emotional reaction, which I had to keep to myself.
As the oldest of three girls, everything in my being cries injustice. I should have been the first one married. And now I will be the last.
Yes, one can argue that times have changed. The birth order of female children no longer dictates when/in which order one marries. But there's this innate feeling inside that cries out that this is all wrong, natural order has been broken. And it frickin' hurts. It's actually a hundred times worse than a biological clock unfulfilled. And now I wonder just how I can contain everything that breaks inside of me, one more time.
I handled my youngest sister's marriage very poorly. There was very little I could have done that would have been worse. And I was determined never to be that bad again (even though I prayed that I would never have to face this situation again). Lo and behold, that prayer was not answered. And on Day 1 the only thing I can announce is that I did not cry in front of my family and I did not have a bad attitude. Fortunately I have been so absorbed in the revisions of my novel that I had that excuse tonight for my silence. In truth I was practicing self control and trying hard not to have history repeat. And I knew my mother would ask why I was so quiet (she had this knack of pointing out my weaknesses, as if I actually need her help). And so I lied. Damn, that's one thing that I've gotten to good at through the years. And tonight was the perfect production. No one suspected a thing.
And all the while I suffered. No moment was worse than when my sister announced that she wants to get married in November or February. I wanted to run from the table or make a scene at that point. How could she dare pick my birth month?! Isn't it bad enough that I have to live through this crap. So I'm possessive of one flipping month. I think I deserve that. Now I've struggled all night long how to tactfully tell her to pick February. I'll survive a February wedding. But I swear I don't know how I'll react if she chooses November. It's a hard enough month for me just facing a birthday (and half the time those birthdays have been catastrophes in the past). The last thing I want to do is face a wedding and an impending birthday.
Why the hell can't I have a birthday where I'm not looking over my shoulder with paranoia? Why can't I have a problem where I can actually talk to a friend who can somewhat relate? Nope, all my friends are married. So now I'm left with journaling my feelings out between taking shots and searching movie listings for a good action flick that has absolutely no romance involved.
Tonight my sister announced her engagement. It did not come as a shock. The second time that her fiance come over to dinner with the family, that was the moment that I knew he was the man for her. So I was not surprised by this announcement. Nor was I surprised by my emotional reaction, which I had to keep to myself.
As the oldest of three girls, everything in my being cries injustice. I should have been the first one married. And now I will be the last.
Yes, one can argue that times have changed. The birth order of female children no longer dictates when/in which order one marries. But there's this innate feeling inside that cries out that this is all wrong, natural order has been broken. And it frickin' hurts. It's actually a hundred times worse than a biological clock unfulfilled. And now I wonder just how I can contain everything that breaks inside of me, one more time.
I handled my youngest sister's marriage very poorly. There was very little I could have done that would have been worse. And I was determined never to be that bad again (even though I prayed that I would never have to face this situation again). Lo and behold, that prayer was not answered. And on Day 1 the only thing I can announce is that I did not cry in front of my family and I did not have a bad attitude. Fortunately I have been so absorbed in the revisions of my novel that I had that excuse tonight for my silence. In truth I was practicing self control and trying hard not to have history repeat. And I knew my mother would ask why I was so quiet (she had this knack of pointing out my weaknesses, as if I actually need her help). And so I lied. Damn, that's one thing that I've gotten to good at through the years. And tonight was the perfect production. No one suspected a thing.
And all the while I suffered. No moment was worse than when my sister announced that she wants to get married in November or February. I wanted to run from the table or make a scene at that point. How could she dare pick my birth month?! Isn't it bad enough that I have to live through this crap. So I'm possessive of one flipping month. I think I deserve that. Now I've struggled all night long how to tactfully tell her to pick February. I'll survive a February wedding. But I swear I don't know how I'll react if she chooses November. It's a hard enough month for me just facing a birthday (and half the time those birthdays have been catastrophes in the past). The last thing I want to do is face a wedding and an impending birthday.
Why the hell can't I have a birthday where I'm not looking over my shoulder with paranoia? Why can't I have a problem where I can actually talk to a friend who can somewhat relate? Nope, all my friends are married. So now I'm left with journaling my feelings out between taking shots and searching movie listings for a good action flick that has absolutely no romance involved.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
How much time????
So I had coffee with one of my best friends this afternoon and the conversation briefly came to the topic of blogs. I did a mental palm thump to the forehead as I realized that I have not made any posts in quite a few months. So here I am.
Updates....
Still off work because of my wrist. My physical therapy appointment yesterday was a let down and relief at the same time. My doctor had be start that up again six weeks ago. The last several appointments have taken me two to three days to recover. Not a good sign. So my therapist has written a report to my doctor, which I will see next week. So for the second time I have had to quit therapy because its only causing me more pain. The most frustrating thing is that I have all this pain but there's no medical tests/proof that something is wrong. I HATE IT!!!! We'll see what my doctor will say next.
All of my time has been spent working on my novel and peer reviewing on a writer's site. I needed this so much. After spending so much time working and reading my own novel, I new I was missing something. And everyone has been great about giving me feedback--something I've been starving for. My two big problems: POV hopping in scenes and redundancy. Now that I know these two things, I think that my story has been tightening up very nicely. I'm excited!
But the biggest news that's driving me is the fact that I've signed up for a writer's convention for the end of next month. I get to speak with an agent and an editor. (That is what all my attention to my writing is for). I still have every hope that soon I will pick up an agent. And by the end of the year I have a publishing house who wants to sign me. We will see how everything turns out. But the one thing that I steadfastly believe is that without "soon" goals, they will never be reached. So I'm shooting for the "soon".
The only excitement I've had in my personal life is the fact that some strange man approached my in a Fred Meyer parking lot as I was getting into my car. The weather was nice, so my window was cracked. But the moment I saw him heading to me, I put my key in the ignition and started my engine. Which was a good thing. The guy actually had the balls to shove his hand through my window to shake my hand while he introduced himself. In freaky situations like this I have no problem lying and telling men that I'm seeing someone. I can be nice and it gives him an easy out--no one has hurt feelings. Not this guy. He shoved his hand through my window again!!!! This time to give me his business card, "in case you change your mind." What was going through his mind?!!! He broke so many rules. 1) NEVER invade the safety of a woman's car. 2) NEVER move in on another man's woman--unless you want her to think that you have little opinion of relationships! (Even if it's an imaginary relationship.) The other rules don't matter because those two are cardinal rules. On the plus side, I do have to give him a point for persistence. But the freakiness factor wins out!!!!
I've had the relapse a thought that I had years ago. I think it would be fun to hit the matchmaking festival in Ireland. If nothing else, it would prove to be some great entertainment. Besides, at least then you're like 99% sure that they are NOT married, but want to be married. Oh well.... Who said life was boring????
Updates....
Still off work because of my wrist. My physical therapy appointment yesterday was a let down and relief at the same time. My doctor had be start that up again six weeks ago. The last several appointments have taken me two to three days to recover. Not a good sign. So my therapist has written a report to my doctor, which I will see next week. So for the second time I have had to quit therapy because its only causing me more pain. The most frustrating thing is that I have all this pain but there's no medical tests/proof that something is wrong. I HATE IT!!!! We'll see what my doctor will say next.
All of my time has been spent working on my novel and peer reviewing on a writer's site. I needed this so much. After spending so much time working and reading my own novel, I new I was missing something. And everyone has been great about giving me feedback--something I've been starving for. My two big problems: POV hopping in scenes and redundancy. Now that I know these two things, I think that my story has been tightening up very nicely. I'm excited!
But the biggest news that's driving me is the fact that I've signed up for a writer's convention for the end of next month. I get to speak with an agent and an editor. (That is what all my attention to my writing is for). I still have every hope that soon I will pick up an agent. And by the end of the year I have a publishing house who wants to sign me. We will see how everything turns out. But the one thing that I steadfastly believe is that without "soon" goals, they will never be reached. So I'm shooting for the "soon".
The only excitement I've had in my personal life is the fact that some strange man approached my in a Fred Meyer parking lot as I was getting into my car. The weather was nice, so my window was cracked. But the moment I saw him heading to me, I put my key in the ignition and started my engine. Which was a good thing. The guy actually had the balls to shove his hand through my window to shake my hand while he introduced himself. In freaky situations like this I have no problem lying and telling men that I'm seeing someone. I can be nice and it gives him an easy out--no one has hurt feelings. Not this guy. He shoved his hand through my window again!!!! This time to give me his business card, "in case you change your mind." What was going through his mind?!!! He broke so many rules. 1) NEVER invade the safety of a woman's car. 2) NEVER move in on another man's woman--unless you want her to think that you have little opinion of relationships! (Even if it's an imaginary relationship.) The other rules don't matter because those two are cardinal rules. On the plus side, I do have to give him a point for persistence. But the freakiness factor wins out!!!!
I've had the relapse a thought that I had years ago. I think it would be fun to hit the matchmaking festival in Ireland. If nothing else, it would prove to be some great entertainment. Besides, at least then you're like 99% sure that they are NOT married, but want to be married. Oh well.... Who said life was boring????
Friday, March 20, 2009
"Is anyone listening?"
(This is something that I posted on a discussion board and believe that I needed to add this here as well.)
If anyone has watched the news the last couple of days it is hard to miss one of the most impactful topics covered nationwide, a video a California high school class recorded about how the economy has impacted their lives entitled: Is anyone listening? Each and every time I see a news broadcast on these high schoolers I never fail to tear up because what they are going through now, I lived through nearly 20 years ago. Following is my story and how God brought my family through. Even though the President says that he is listening, NO ONE listens like our God listens!!!!
I don't remember how it all started or even why, but by the time I was in the fourth grade I knew one thing about my family--we definitely did not have enough money to live in a two bedroom apartment for a family of five. Since I was a child, I thought everything was normal. I thought my parents refusal of things that we asked for was the typical parental denial. The first day that I realized that something was wrong was not with the trips that we made to the food bank or the fact that we had to eat things that we did not like (just because it was the only food given to us). No, the first day that I found out that something was financially wrong with my family was the night when my mother sat me down at the dinner table with my two younger sisters and put our plates in front of us. As I complained and cried about how I HATED brussel sprouts my mother and father left the room. It was the first and only time that I ever remember that my parents did not eat a meal with us. I knew that something was wrong but I was too young to understand what was going on.It was not until years later that I began to learn little bits of information here and there about that period in time of my life. My dad was in school and working. My mother held down multiple jobs. All of this was to scrape together what we needed to live. Even though my parents went to the government for help they said that my parents made to much money for government paid housing. We could not put enough food on the table and yet my parents made to much money! I do not even know other aide my parents were turned down from. Nor do I know just how bad off we were. I am inclined to think that we were probably close to be homeless ourselves. But what I know is that the government never helped my family. (And despite the promises that our President is making in front of the cameras, I seriously doubt that the government will help any of the families today.)BUT HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS!From that moment in the early years of my life, I became aware of how much God looked after me and my family. We were definitely poor for many years. So much so that when I first heard of tithing (I grew up going to church ever since I was a baby) and the promises that God made in His Word pertaining to tithing I knew that I had nothing to lose. Things could really not get much worse for me or what I knew of my family life. I WAS DESPERATE! So I chose to tithe on my allowance (a couple of dollars a week for doing work around the house). I was the first person in my family to regularly tithe. Not long after I began tithing, I noticed that my mother began to faithfully tithe. I do not know how long it took God to begin to change things, but I KNOW that from that first day that I tithed and my parents tithed that our family life totally changed.Over the years my family has seen financial blessing that supersede anything that we had in the past. I have never been without work. Sure there have been times where I've sweated it and fought with my flesh about whether or not I could "afford" to tithe for one week. The times where I overcame my flesh God came through immediately. The times where I withheld my tithe, I felt the pinch for a short season. I never chose to skip two tithes because I KNOW how God works through my giving. And God has never failed me financially.MORE GOOD NEWS!Over a year ago I injured myself at work. In April I will be off work, because of the injury, for a year. I struggled like no other period in my life because of what seemed like an injustice (so much so that early on I was seriously angry at the situation), but God has still never left me financially. He continues to provide for me just as He has for nearly two decades. Even though I have mixed feelings about the pain that I continue to go through, my greatest blessing is that I have never had to serious feel the economic pinch. I have not had to drive to work each day wondering if it was my last. I do not believe that God orchestrated my injury to take care of my finances, but He has used the event to take care of me in a season where our nation is struggling.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE FEELING THE ECONOMIC PINCH, whether you have told anyone or not, I plead with you to trust God in this matter!!!What ever little that you receive right now, trust God, put God to the test! GOD WILL NEVER FAIL YOU! In fact I can say with all assurity that God is more in the financial business than ever before. For the first time in my life I have been able to give more than just my tithe to God regularly and faithfully. And the best part is that the digits that represent the amount of money that you give in tithe (and offering--anything beyond the tithe) does not matter one bit to God! Remember the widow who gave two minas and Jesus praised her for given more than the wealthy men! Don't neglect your tithe and I promise that God will bring you through this economic season like you will never imagine!
God Bless!
If anyone has watched the news the last couple of days it is hard to miss one of the most impactful topics covered nationwide, a video a California high school class recorded about how the economy has impacted their lives entitled: Is anyone listening? Each and every time I see a news broadcast on these high schoolers I never fail to tear up because what they are going through now, I lived through nearly 20 years ago. Following is my story and how God brought my family through. Even though the President says that he is listening, NO ONE listens like our God listens!!!!
I don't remember how it all started or even why, but by the time I was in the fourth grade I knew one thing about my family--we definitely did not have enough money to live in a two bedroom apartment for a family of five. Since I was a child, I thought everything was normal. I thought my parents refusal of things that we asked for was the typical parental denial. The first day that I realized that something was wrong was not with the trips that we made to the food bank or the fact that we had to eat things that we did not like (just because it was the only food given to us). No, the first day that I found out that something was financially wrong with my family was the night when my mother sat me down at the dinner table with my two younger sisters and put our plates in front of us. As I complained and cried about how I HATED brussel sprouts my mother and father left the room. It was the first and only time that I ever remember that my parents did not eat a meal with us. I knew that something was wrong but I was too young to understand what was going on.It was not until years later that I began to learn little bits of information here and there about that period in time of my life. My dad was in school and working. My mother held down multiple jobs. All of this was to scrape together what we needed to live. Even though my parents went to the government for help they said that my parents made to much money for government paid housing. We could not put enough food on the table and yet my parents made to much money! I do not even know other aide my parents were turned down from. Nor do I know just how bad off we were. I am inclined to think that we were probably close to be homeless ourselves. But what I know is that the government never helped my family. (And despite the promises that our President is making in front of the cameras, I seriously doubt that the government will help any of the families today.)BUT HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS!From that moment in the early years of my life, I became aware of how much God looked after me and my family. We were definitely poor for many years. So much so that when I first heard of tithing (I grew up going to church ever since I was a baby) and the promises that God made in His Word pertaining to tithing I knew that I had nothing to lose. Things could really not get much worse for me or what I knew of my family life. I WAS DESPERATE! So I chose to tithe on my allowance (a couple of dollars a week for doing work around the house). I was the first person in my family to regularly tithe. Not long after I began tithing, I noticed that my mother began to faithfully tithe. I do not know how long it took God to begin to change things, but I KNOW that from that first day that I tithed and my parents tithed that our family life totally changed.Over the years my family has seen financial blessing that supersede anything that we had in the past. I have never been without work. Sure there have been times where I've sweated it and fought with my flesh about whether or not I could "afford" to tithe for one week. The times where I overcame my flesh God came through immediately. The times where I withheld my tithe, I felt the pinch for a short season. I never chose to skip two tithes because I KNOW how God works through my giving. And God has never failed me financially.MORE GOOD NEWS!Over a year ago I injured myself at work. In April I will be off work, because of the injury, for a year. I struggled like no other period in my life because of what seemed like an injustice (so much so that early on I was seriously angry at the situation), but God has still never left me financially. He continues to provide for me just as He has for nearly two decades. Even though I have mixed feelings about the pain that I continue to go through, my greatest blessing is that I have never had to serious feel the economic pinch. I have not had to drive to work each day wondering if it was my last. I do not believe that God orchestrated my injury to take care of my finances, but He has used the event to take care of me in a season where our nation is struggling.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE FEELING THE ECONOMIC PINCH, whether you have told anyone or not, I plead with you to trust God in this matter!!!What ever little that you receive right now, trust God, put God to the test! GOD WILL NEVER FAIL YOU! In fact I can say with all assurity that God is more in the financial business than ever before. For the first time in my life I have been able to give more than just my tithe to God regularly and faithfully. And the best part is that the digits that represent the amount of money that you give in tithe (and offering--anything beyond the tithe) does not matter one bit to God! Remember the widow who gave two minas and Jesus praised her for given more than the wealthy men! Don't neglect your tithe and I promise that God will bring you through this economic season like you will never imagine!
God Bless!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Personal Life vs. Writing Life
So even though I've been working on my novel, and friend of mine says that is a good enough reason why I haven't kept up with my blogging, it still kind of bothers me that I haven't blogged. Not that I'm getting after myself about it or anything, it's just a reflection of my life right now. It seems like I'm so focused on writing that the rest of my life is put on hold (as in lock it away in a closet and lose the key until you get around to getting a metal detector to find it again). I've never been one to put life on hold. I've always been the go getter and if life doesn't happen then shove that square peg in the round hole and make life happen. Kind of sick huh? Well at least my life entertains me. :)
Or in many cases it doesn't. The main one being that pretty much all of my single friends, or those who were single that I spent quite a bit of time with in the last five years, are all married. You know what? It gets kind of old finding out through other people that so and so got married and you never heard a word from them. To top it off, it could be a year or two after the fact. It's really like WTF?
Even the singles group that I've joined last fall has not really been panning out. And I can't figure that one out at all. You look nice, are a great conversationalist, have good manners, help others to make them more comfortable in a group setting, be optimistic... and all there is to show about it all is that you were not the one standing alone along the wall having a pity party or feeling horrible. With a man or two there's all the signs that he's OBVIOUSLY interested in you--all the major cues are there so that there's no confusion on the matter and then they disappear never to be seen or heard from again.
Is it really any wonder why I have locked my personal life away and focused on my novel??? At least if I'm going to imagine anything is going to happen there's some sort of results, something to show. :) Ha!!!!
But I really do love the time that I have to write. My story has literally become my baby. I continue to tweak it to bring out the best and try to make it fluid. And I fall in love with it more and more. Then I hear from my aunt, who is test reading a draft. She was nice and polite about it, but the bottom line was that she said it did not pique her interest. Oh, I can't even begin to explain the first few hours after I read her note. I was crushed. I actually thought that one of my BFFs might have been generously nice with me when she read the earlier draft that preceded the one that I'm sending to my general readers. Then I opened my files to relook at the chapters that my aunt read and had a what-the-hell moment. My story is most certainly not boring, I still think it's relevant and will sell quite well once it gets a publishing home!!! Even though my aunt is quite well read, I know that she has a different reading style than mine. Besides the point, she said that it didn't grab her, not that it was poorly written. It just means that we have different tastes. (And I need to state that at no point was I ever angry at my aunt. I just value her opinion, which is why I gave her a copy to read. And if she chooses to continue to read the story and finish it, then she can offer me an insight that my fantasy reading friends may not have.) But that being said, this revision that I am working on is taking for-ev-er. The previous draft took less than a month. This draft is already at a month and a half and I'm nearly 3/4 of the way through. It was just a little discouraging that the process is slowing down a bit. But not that I would change it for the world. There have been some things that I added to the story that I would never have added (which add so much depth and flavour) if I had done a quicker revision. The only problem is that I can't keep a fluid line in my head working at this pace. When I was cranking anywhere up to 7 chapters a day I had a great time line in my head to keep track of things. It's not so much that way now. But I guess that is all right. Things worked earlier. Right now the righting feels like making 300 count Egyptian weave cotton sheets as apposed to the K-Mart Special brand on sale. I'm making things tighter.
Oh! Besides that, I've been doing some work drawing again. It's visual aids for me to keep images concrete--rooms, buildings, dresses, etc. I'm excited about that because it has been several years since I last picked up a pencil to sketch and draw. A BFF saw my work on gowns and she already picked out her favorite one. :) It makes me happy. I'm doing it for myself, but I keep thinking in the back of my head that I would like to see if it were possible to have my book published with a couple of drawings. We will find out when I get to that stage. But a few of my friends have been telling me that whether they get published or not, I just need to put them up on my web page for my books. I didn't have to think to tell them that of course I had thought about doing that and had no problem with that idea.
Well this is getting long and I am already cutting into my evening writing time. So I'll have to come back and finish writing another time.
Or in many cases it doesn't. The main one being that pretty much all of my single friends, or those who were single that I spent quite a bit of time with in the last five years, are all married. You know what? It gets kind of old finding out through other people that so and so got married and you never heard a word from them. To top it off, it could be a year or two after the fact. It's really like WTF?
Even the singles group that I've joined last fall has not really been panning out. And I can't figure that one out at all. You look nice, are a great conversationalist, have good manners, help others to make them more comfortable in a group setting, be optimistic... and all there is to show about it all is that you were not the one standing alone along the wall having a pity party or feeling horrible. With a man or two there's all the signs that he's OBVIOUSLY interested in you--all the major cues are there so that there's no confusion on the matter and then they disappear never to be seen or heard from again.
Is it really any wonder why I have locked my personal life away and focused on my novel??? At least if I'm going to imagine anything is going to happen there's some sort of results, something to show. :) Ha!!!!
But I really do love the time that I have to write. My story has literally become my baby. I continue to tweak it to bring out the best and try to make it fluid. And I fall in love with it more and more. Then I hear from my aunt, who is test reading a draft. She was nice and polite about it, but the bottom line was that she said it did not pique her interest. Oh, I can't even begin to explain the first few hours after I read her note. I was crushed. I actually thought that one of my BFFs might have been generously nice with me when she read the earlier draft that preceded the one that I'm sending to my general readers. Then I opened my files to relook at the chapters that my aunt read and had a what-the-hell moment. My story is most certainly not boring, I still think it's relevant and will sell quite well once it gets a publishing home!!! Even though my aunt is quite well read, I know that she has a different reading style than mine. Besides the point, she said that it didn't grab her, not that it was poorly written. It just means that we have different tastes. (And I need to state that at no point was I ever angry at my aunt. I just value her opinion, which is why I gave her a copy to read. And if she chooses to continue to read the story and finish it, then she can offer me an insight that my fantasy reading friends may not have.) But that being said, this revision that I am working on is taking for-ev-er. The previous draft took less than a month. This draft is already at a month and a half and I'm nearly 3/4 of the way through. It was just a little discouraging that the process is slowing down a bit. But not that I would change it for the world. There have been some things that I added to the story that I would never have added (which add so much depth and flavour) if I had done a quicker revision. The only problem is that I can't keep a fluid line in my head working at this pace. When I was cranking anywhere up to 7 chapters a day I had a great time line in my head to keep track of things. It's not so much that way now. But I guess that is all right. Things worked earlier. Right now the righting feels like making 300 count Egyptian weave cotton sheets as apposed to the K-Mart Special brand on sale. I'm making things tighter.
Oh! Besides that, I've been doing some work drawing again. It's visual aids for me to keep images concrete--rooms, buildings, dresses, etc. I'm excited about that because it has been several years since I last picked up a pencil to sketch and draw. A BFF saw my work on gowns and she already picked out her favorite one. :) It makes me happy. I'm doing it for myself, but I keep thinking in the back of my head that I would like to see if it were possible to have my book published with a couple of drawings. We will find out when I get to that stage. But a few of my friends have been telling me that whether they get published or not, I just need to put them up on my web page for my books. I didn't have to think to tell them that of course I had thought about doing that and had no problem with that idea.
Well this is getting long and I am already cutting into my evening writing time. So I'll have to come back and finish writing another time.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Things Really Do Get Better
Okay, so today I finally have proof that those moments where you think that you've had the worlds wost moment and that you will never survive... it is so wrong.
I think I was about seven when I got my first baby sitting job. The boy that I was watching was a neighbor. What I don't remember was if it was during a baby sitting job or if it happened just one day when I way playing with the boy outside. But I was holding the boy and accidentally dropped him on the concrete patio. The worst part was that he landed on his head. I was so upset that I ran home and cried for hours. There was no harm that was done. The boy didn't even have to go to the hospital. But I thought it was the end of the world. Literally. I also thought that I would never baby sit again.
Yeah that never happened!!!!
Well tonight I was watching my youngest nephew. We were playing on the sofa. I had a pillow and had a one way pillow fight with him (he's a year and a half and he thinks it's the greatest thing ever). Well I put the pillow down on the sofa and my nephew threw himself down on the pillow. Well when he did he totally smacked his head on the edge of a little side table right next to the sofa. At first I thought that he just smacked his head, like he's done a few times before in the past. It wasn't until he sat up that I saw blood start to drip down his forehead. It turned out that he hit the corner of the table.
The good news is that he was alright. About a half hour later he was back to throwing himself around on the sofa again. But as I held my nephew and comforted him while I gathered supplies to clean the wound I was reminded of that boy that I dropped on his head. I smiled at the memory, not because these two boys got hurt, but because of the difference in my reaction. Knowing first aid is a great thing to know, but that's not my point either. It's just those little moments in life where things happen. Many times we think it's the end of the world. Where nothing could possibly get worst. But the truth of the matter is that crap happens in life and we have a choice in how we can respond to it. We can run away and cry or we can act.
No matter what life throws at us, no matter how difficult things appear at the time, sometimes we just need to be the nurse. We just need to pick up (what ever it is that hurts) and be the comfort--things are going to be all right. My nephew was no doubt in pain and shocked, but his Tia was there to hold him, comfort him, tell him things were going to be all right, and even joke with him. (Yes, I did tell him several times that I thought that this was only the first of the little bumps and scrapes that he'd get into, all the while laughing.) I figured that the one thing that I could teach him right now is that we do get hurt, but it's alright to laugh it off. He even did a great job while I was gathering supplies to tend to his little gash. The sight of blood didn't bother him. And when he felt some dripping down his forehead he'd lean forward to tell me that he needed his forehead blotted. No, it wasn't as bad as what this probably sounds like. But I've seen how my niece and oldest nephew react to blood. And this little guy was such the trooper and brave. By all rights, this was his first serious accident and he didn't let it cripple him.
I like it when I can learn something from a child!
I think I was about seven when I got my first baby sitting job. The boy that I was watching was a neighbor. What I don't remember was if it was during a baby sitting job or if it happened just one day when I way playing with the boy outside. But I was holding the boy and accidentally dropped him on the concrete patio. The worst part was that he landed on his head. I was so upset that I ran home and cried for hours. There was no harm that was done. The boy didn't even have to go to the hospital. But I thought it was the end of the world. Literally. I also thought that I would never baby sit again.
Yeah that never happened!!!!
Well tonight I was watching my youngest nephew. We were playing on the sofa. I had a pillow and had a one way pillow fight with him (he's a year and a half and he thinks it's the greatest thing ever). Well I put the pillow down on the sofa and my nephew threw himself down on the pillow. Well when he did he totally smacked his head on the edge of a little side table right next to the sofa. At first I thought that he just smacked his head, like he's done a few times before in the past. It wasn't until he sat up that I saw blood start to drip down his forehead. It turned out that he hit the corner of the table.
The good news is that he was alright. About a half hour later he was back to throwing himself around on the sofa again. But as I held my nephew and comforted him while I gathered supplies to clean the wound I was reminded of that boy that I dropped on his head. I smiled at the memory, not because these two boys got hurt, but because of the difference in my reaction. Knowing first aid is a great thing to know, but that's not my point either. It's just those little moments in life where things happen. Many times we think it's the end of the world. Where nothing could possibly get worst. But the truth of the matter is that crap happens in life and we have a choice in how we can respond to it. We can run away and cry or we can act.
No matter what life throws at us, no matter how difficult things appear at the time, sometimes we just need to be the nurse. We just need to pick up (what ever it is that hurts) and be the comfort--things are going to be all right. My nephew was no doubt in pain and shocked, but his Tia was there to hold him, comfort him, tell him things were going to be all right, and even joke with him. (Yes, I did tell him several times that I thought that this was only the first of the little bumps and scrapes that he'd get into, all the while laughing.) I figured that the one thing that I could teach him right now is that we do get hurt, but it's alright to laugh it off. He even did a great job while I was gathering supplies to tend to his little gash. The sight of blood didn't bother him. And when he felt some dripping down his forehead he'd lean forward to tell me that he needed his forehead blotted. No, it wasn't as bad as what this probably sounds like. But I've seen how my niece and oldest nephew react to blood. And this little guy was such the trooper and brave. By all rights, this was his first serious accident and he didn't let it cripple him.
I like it when I can learn something from a child!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
The Writer Is Back
There's a great reason why I haven't posted anything recently... I was working non-stop on my novel: Dreamer's Heir and finished it around 3 am three days ago!!!!! I am so excited! The whole story is sooo much better than what I had imagined when I first began this story well over five years ago. I had known that this would be the first book to start it all for me as a published writer. And until now I was frustrated with why I couldn't find a publisher for it a few years back and how I totally disliked it. I guess that should have been my sign that the book was not ready for publication--a writer should NEVER publish what they hate. Now I completely love it. My characters make me so excited. I just can't wait to get through one revision so I can have my test readers read it. (Mainly because while they read book 1 I will be using my time wisely and starting book 2).
So a little bit about what has been happening while I was writing....
Two weeks ago I had an amazing experience at church, actually two experiences, but on the same day.
ONE, I had a moment where I came to peace with all the stuff that has been happening with my wrist. (I am still not able to work.) But while I do not believe that God causes bad things (like this) to happen in my life, I do believe that he can use the bad to make good things happen. I had been struggling for many many years with trying to find time to write around work. So in my moment with God, I learned that he is using this situation to give me the gift of time to write. I never really understood until then just how precious the gift of time is. I have spent my whole life trying to do things and get somewhere that I totally forgot what it having time means. Where you can have a period of time to absolutely do anything with it that you want to do, that you have not been able to do. (Thus my excitement that I mentioned above. In a month's period of time I completely rewrote my book where 3/4 of the material is new and I've added nearly 300 pages in length.) This is such an amazing gift that I wish that everyone could enjoy!!!!
TWO, I had one of those amazing moments teaching my kindergartners in Sunday School. At the end of class I had one little boy who came up to me and told me, "Miss Leah, did you know that there are two Gods?" My first thought was how children often think that God and Jesus are two separate entities (not able to grasp the concept of the Trinity). So I smiled and asked him why he thought there were two Gods. He told me, "There's God and you." It was one of those "Ohhhh" moments for me. My reaction was explaining to him that I just work for God. He didn't quite get the concept of that until I explained to him that I teach him what God wants him to learn. When he finally understood what I told him he told me about how his dad beat his mom the other night. It broke my heart because there's not much that I can personally do. All I could do was pray with him and just show him love. And off he ran to join the rest of the class. It was not until after class when I told my director about how he said I was God that I finally learned what he had meant. My director took it from a different perspective. She did the whole "Ohhh" and then said that is the greatest compliment to receive from the children because it's vocalized proof that I have become Christ like to the children. It's not too often that I can even come close to admit that I am anything like Christ because I know my flaws and weaknesses. So for one more brief moment I got to learn that I am doing what I am meant to do, that I am accomplishing that, and I'm making the most with what I have been given.
So the Tuesday after that I had an appointment with a second doctor to get a second opinion on my wrist. It was interesting because my attending physician was at a complete loss as to what is wrong with my wrist. This second doctor took one look at my x-rays and saw that my bones are too far apart and is most likely causing my pain. That and even though my MRIs have been negative does not mean that there is not the possibility that there is a tear in my cartilage (since that is where my pain is coming from), it just means that at the time of the MRIs that any possible tear, the flap could have been down, not showing a thing. So for a total of about 5 weeks I'm supposed to keep my wrist secured in a brace/splint to try to lessen the gap between my bones. (As of right now at times my pain has greatly increased, but I have found my first painless times for the first time in a long time while I am in the brace.) The doctor's guess is that if the gap is taken away, my pain should go away. At my next appointment, if the gap is smaller the doctor sees that as a step in the right direction. It could mean more time in the brace or even the possibility of being put into a full arm cast. Now that idea is not what I'm looking for. Quite frankly, I hate casts on the arm. Showering is pretty horrible. So if I can avoid that, I'd much prefer it.
I've also joined with a dinner drama group. That's a riot already because so far I've been able to cause a lot of reactions from my acting; bringing men to tears and causing the greatest amounts of laughter. That last one is the most memorable to me because I've never thought of myself as a comedic actor. But with this role that I was given, the team start impersonating me in anticipation when I'm taking the stage for rehearsal. I'm beginning to see my gifts in a new light, as an actress. But what I find exciting is that there are new people who are now supporting me as a writer. I have a few test readers from this group. But also the husband/wife team who head up this troupe are anxious for me to start writing for the group. It's been a while since I've done script writing, but I'm kinda excited to get back into it. Mainly just to keep my writing skills flexible and adaptable for many areas. While novel writing is what I want to one day soon be my bread and butter maker, I don't want to limit myself just to that. My main reason being because I have a few book ideas that I would love to see on the silver screen. It would be great to be the writer for the screen adaptation. I can use the film to enhance the book(s) and bring out more of the story that just doesn't quite work for the pacing of the novel. So now is a good time to begin some strength training for script writing (start small and train myself up to the larger project).
I'm sure that I could go on with an update but that would be too long. And quite frankly I really should just start writing more frequently again to prevent these long posts. Sorry. :)
So a little bit about what has been happening while I was writing....
Two weeks ago I had an amazing experience at church, actually two experiences, but on the same day.
ONE, I had a moment where I came to peace with all the stuff that has been happening with my wrist. (I am still not able to work.) But while I do not believe that God causes bad things (like this) to happen in my life, I do believe that he can use the bad to make good things happen. I had been struggling for many many years with trying to find time to write around work. So in my moment with God, I learned that he is using this situation to give me the gift of time to write. I never really understood until then just how precious the gift of time is. I have spent my whole life trying to do things and get somewhere that I totally forgot what it having time means. Where you can have a period of time to absolutely do anything with it that you want to do, that you have not been able to do. (Thus my excitement that I mentioned above. In a month's period of time I completely rewrote my book where 3/4 of the material is new and I've added nearly 300 pages in length.) This is such an amazing gift that I wish that everyone could enjoy!!!!
TWO, I had one of those amazing moments teaching my kindergartners in Sunday School. At the end of class I had one little boy who came up to me and told me, "Miss Leah, did you know that there are two Gods?" My first thought was how children often think that God and Jesus are two separate entities (not able to grasp the concept of the Trinity). So I smiled and asked him why he thought there were two Gods. He told me, "There's God and you." It was one of those "Ohhhh" moments for me. My reaction was explaining to him that I just work for God. He didn't quite get the concept of that until I explained to him that I teach him what God wants him to learn. When he finally understood what I told him he told me about how his dad beat his mom the other night. It broke my heart because there's not much that I can personally do. All I could do was pray with him and just show him love. And off he ran to join the rest of the class. It was not until after class when I told my director about how he said I was God that I finally learned what he had meant. My director took it from a different perspective. She did the whole "Ohhh" and then said that is the greatest compliment to receive from the children because it's vocalized proof that I have become Christ like to the children. It's not too often that I can even come close to admit that I am anything like Christ because I know my flaws and weaknesses. So for one more brief moment I got to learn that I am doing what I am meant to do, that I am accomplishing that, and I'm making the most with what I have been given.
So the Tuesday after that I had an appointment with a second doctor to get a second opinion on my wrist. It was interesting because my attending physician was at a complete loss as to what is wrong with my wrist. This second doctor took one look at my x-rays and saw that my bones are too far apart and is most likely causing my pain. That and even though my MRIs have been negative does not mean that there is not the possibility that there is a tear in my cartilage (since that is where my pain is coming from), it just means that at the time of the MRIs that any possible tear, the flap could have been down, not showing a thing. So for a total of about 5 weeks I'm supposed to keep my wrist secured in a brace/splint to try to lessen the gap between my bones. (As of right now at times my pain has greatly increased, but I have found my first painless times for the first time in a long time while I am in the brace.) The doctor's guess is that if the gap is taken away, my pain should go away. At my next appointment, if the gap is smaller the doctor sees that as a step in the right direction. It could mean more time in the brace or even the possibility of being put into a full arm cast. Now that idea is not what I'm looking for. Quite frankly, I hate casts on the arm. Showering is pretty horrible. So if I can avoid that, I'd much prefer it.
I've also joined with a dinner drama group. That's a riot already because so far I've been able to cause a lot of reactions from my acting; bringing men to tears and causing the greatest amounts of laughter. That last one is the most memorable to me because I've never thought of myself as a comedic actor. But with this role that I was given, the team start impersonating me in anticipation when I'm taking the stage for rehearsal. I'm beginning to see my gifts in a new light, as an actress. But what I find exciting is that there are new people who are now supporting me as a writer. I have a few test readers from this group. But also the husband/wife team who head up this troupe are anxious for me to start writing for the group. It's been a while since I've done script writing, but I'm kinda excited to get back into it. Mainly just to keep my writing skills flexible and adaptable for many areas. While novel writing is what I want to one day soon be my bread and butter maker, I don't want to limit myself just to that. My main reason being because I have a few book ideas that I would love to see on the silver screen. It would be great to be the writer for the screen adaptation. I can use the film to enhance the book(s) and bring out more of the story that just doesn't quite work for the pacing of the novel. So now is a good time to begin some strength training for script writing (start small and train myself up to the larger project).
I'm sure that I could go on with an update but that would be too long. And quite frankly I really should just start writing more frequently again to prevent these long posts. Sorry. :)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Fortune Cookie
Okay, so I just had to come on and write after I had Chinese for lunch and read my fortune. I don't take much heed of fortunes, especially the mass produced ones for mass production. But they are entertaining. But this one was just so hilarious! This was the first time that I found one with a typo! So I'm re-writing it here and the typo is exactly as it reads.
You know what you what - get to work and make it materialize.
I do have to admit that I was surprised by the coincidence of that message being in my cookie, though. Seeing how for about a week and a half now, I have been working practically non-stop on my novel. I want to be published badly. And it's not so that I can go to book stores, find my book, and yell, "This is my book!" Although, now that I think about it..... Ha! Just kidding. I write for me. And the people who matter most to me already read what I write. It's just the thought of having my work in print that gives it a sense of finality. In college I would write and the finality was the grade. Since I don't get graded anymore... that leaves publication. Oh and the sense of accomplishment! Now I can't deny that I want that. There are certain people that I sometimes pretend that I am looking through their eyes and see that they wonder what it is that I do with myself. And there's no sense in denying the fact that even though my mother loves me, I'm certain that she thinks that I flounder too much in life. The funny thing is that I don't see myself as floundering. There is just so much to life and I want to absorb it all. Being off of work with my wrist has shown me that much about life. Sometimes I get too serious and focused that life passes by. So not having my nose to the grindstone has been such a blessing. But now I'm trailing off.
The other night my mother came to visit with me while I was writing. I took a little break and we talked about my writing. Not that I could tell her much about what I am working on. (It is amazing how this novel has evolved since I first wrote it many years ago. It keeps changing so much that I don't know what is going to happen until it comes on my screen.) And it was one of those rare tender moments between us. My writing has probably been one of the few things that my mother has ever truly supported me 100% ever since the time I first began writing. But that night, I felt her love and her hopes. It all came across to me that she sees that my writing is the part of me that I was destined to express and produce.
So while I am writing this I am taking a break from writing Chapter 21. Actually I stopped working on it a quarter after two this morning. Things were not feeling right at all. And that bothered me. In the scene that I had just wrote, my hero looked like a complete wimp. I kind of put him in an impossible situation (a new idea) and have been trying to make it work. It's playing with how a man responds when expectations of a personal nature are placed on him by a female relation. This is a difficult train of thought to produce in a book because my brain is so female. But I want him to be real. And I like the idea of this situation because it will come full circle for the climax of the book. But on the plus side, last night I thought of a better title for my novel. Since it's conception it's been called "Weaver's Apprentice". In the original form it sort of made since. I have long been dissatisfied with the title, because it no longer fit. And with the new revisions and addition, it most certainly did not fit. But "The Dreamer's Heir" fits so much better. And unfortunately any of my friends reading this and my manuscript, I know they have not yet come to the section of chapters where this will make sense. But I like the new title nonetheless.
As a final thought and side note, there have been two CDs that I have been helplessly addicted to while writing: Josh Groban (2001 self titled CD) and Celtic Woman (The New Journey, 2007). I have been listening to them non-stop and continued to be inspired by them! Josh Groban is the newest to my play list and I am in love with his voice. Now that is how a man should sound!!!!!!
You know what you what - get to work and make it materialize.
I do have to admit that I was surprised by the coincidence of that message being in my cookie, though. Seeing how for about a week and a half now, I have been working practically non-stop on my novel. I want to be published badly. And it's not so that I can go to book stores, find my book, and yell, "This is my book!" Although, now that I think about it..... Ha! Just kidding. I write for me. And the people who matter most to me already read what I write. It's just the thought of having my work in print that gives it a sense of finality. In college I would write and the finality was the grade. Since I don't get graded anymore... that leaves publication. Oh and the sense of accomplishment! Now I can't deny that I want that. There are certain people that I sometimes pretend that I am looking through their eyes and see that they wonder what it is that I do with myself. And there's no sense in denying the fact that even though my mother loves me, I'm certain that she thinks that I flounder too much in life. The funny thing is that I don't see myself as floundering. There is just so much to life and I want to absorb it all. Being off of work with my wrist has shown me that much about life. Sometimes I get too serious and focused that life passes by. So not having my nose to the grindstone has been such a blessing. But now I'm trailing off.
The other night my mother came to visit with me while I was writing. I took a little break and we talked about my writing. Not that I could tell her much about what I am working on. (It is amazing how this novel has evolved since I first wrote it many years ago. It keeps changing so much that I don't know what is going to happen until it comes on my screen.) And it was one of those rare tender moments between us. My writing has probably been one of the few things that my mother has ever truly supported me 100% ever since the time I first began writing. But that night, I felt her love and her hopes. It all came across to me that she sees that my writing is the part of me that I was destined to express and produce.
So while I am writing this I am taking a break from writing Chapter 21. Actually I stopped working on it a quarter after two this morning. Things were not feeling right at all. And that bothered me. In the scene that I had just wrote, my hero looked like a complete wimp. I kind of put him in an impossible situation (a new idea) and have been trying to make it work. It's playing with how a man responds when expectations of a personal nature are placed on him by a female relation. This is a difficult train of thought to produce in a book because my brain is so female. But I want him to be real. And I like the idea of this situation because it will come full circle for the climax of the book. But on the plus side, last night I thought of a better title for my novel. Since it's conception it's been called "Weaver's Apprentice". In the original form it sort of made since. I have long been dissatisfied with the title, because it no longer fit. And with the new revisions and addition, it most certainly did not fit. But "The Dreamer's Heir" fits so much better. And unfortunately any of my friends reading this and my manuscript, I know they have not yet come to the section of chapters where this will make sense. But I like the new title nonetheless.
As a final thought and side note, there have been two CDs that I have been helplessly addicted to while writing: Josh Groban (2001 self titled CD) and Celtic Woman (The New Journey, 2007). I have been listening to them non-stop and continued to be inspired by them! Josh Groban is the newest to my play list and I am in love with his voice. Now that is how a man should sound!!!!!!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year!
Okay, so this is a bit late being posted. New Year's Eve I spent finishing up reading the Twilight Saga. I don't remember ever being so addicted to a series of books before! I read all four books in less than six days. And I wanted to read them all over from the beginning again. I never want to do that. Usually I have to wait a year or more before I even think about rereading a book, if I ever do. But there are so many other things that I need to do. This for one. But more importantly I need to get back to working on my own book. I'm about two thirds of the way through completing chapter eleven. And I'm feeling a three way pull in my "stuck" feeling. There are only a couple of scenes left in my memory from the previous revision (that got lost with my computer crash), but I need to find the right pacing to put them back into the story. And my problem right now is the pacing. The biggest help in this issue is the fact that the world of the gods fall in a completely different time span as the mortal world. So everything that had originally been slow (or other problems) can now be remedied. But I love the world of the gods so much that I want to spend more time with them than I am actually able to do. Anyway, the other stuck is that, I need to change the original story to fit with everything that is new. And that's the hardest part, even though it is the most necessary. The characters are different then who they were when I first created them. It's not so much as frustration that I feel as much as feeling my brain slow down, way down, as it processes everything. Sometimes it I am sitting in front of my computer and find myself wandering into some fictitious location just to pace and think. It's quite actually funny now that I think about it and am not living it. I create a place for my mind to think out the answers to a creative problem! Whose brain does that???? Leave it to me, I guess. :)So on New Years Eve my brother-in-law asked my sister and me what our resolutions are for this year. It turns out that none of us really believe in resolutions. For me, it's just too easy to say you resolute to do something, but a day, a week, or a month goes by and you forget or drop it. And yet it's funny, because last year I thought long and hard and did give myself a resolution. At the end of January last year, I decided to work on losing the weight that I've put on since High School. I know very ambitious. But I was a healthy weight. (Not that I've looked bad these last ten twelve years. Dang! Has it been that long?) And I must say that I really do love one of my best friends. Whenever we talk about weight, she's always told me that I don't show it. I have no doubt of her sincerity. Love ya! Anyway, I decided to do this for me. So at the beginning of 2008 I had weighed myself in at about 285 pounds--I know bad, very bad. But yesterday, I weighed myself for 2009 and I'm now down to 225. Last year I lost and kept off 60 lbs.!!!! That made me so happy. The best part about that is that I lost all that weight when I spent over half the year recovering from a surgery and still not able to do a lot of physical things. Usually the general trend, when this kind of lifestyle change happens in people, is that they gain a lot of weight. So I am very proud of myself.
This year... I want to keep working my weight down. I figure that I have a ball park of about another 50 lbs to lose to be back down to my high school weight. After last year, this is totally doable. Really, all I have to do is lose one pound a week this next year. Anyway, enough about that. There is one goal for this year that I am really working toward. I need this novel finished and out of my hands so I can move on to the next story. So the moment I am finished with this book, it will be sent off to find an agent. I have every confidence that this book can land a huge publishing house, which is what I want. So by the end of the year I will find an agent for this book. And it is my hope that also at the end of this year that I will be (or have already) signing a contract for its publication.
So here, I raise a toast to myself--to my health and the realization of a dream come true!
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