Okay, so for two days now I've had distracted thoughts.
One of the men that I went out on a date with last year (and for a few months chatted online with) found me on FB and sent the request to be friends. So being hunted down by someone I got along with isn't such a bad thing. It was just really weird. Mainly that's because when my sister announced her engagement I thought about him and wondered if I'd be able to convince him to come and be my "date" to the wedding. Mainly, I think that thought was just to make me feel better about myself--knowing without doubt that there's at least one man who's interested in me. I never did act on that thought of getting back in contact for the reason that with my youngest sister's marriage let's just say that I was not the poster child of brilliant thoughts. So I've been trying to behave myself on a few different fronts.
Anyway, I've been wondering the last two days what's going on, behind the scenes.
I also took a FB quiz: what Austin hero would you end up with. I got Colonel Brandon. I was surprised at first, because Brandon would not be my first choice. But after reflection I noticed that it's true. I do have quite a bit in common with Marianne: head strong, chase what I think is important and brush off what doesn't appear to be important, etc. Through Sense and Sensibility Brandon keeps Marianne in his sights and is there to pick up the pieces for her, loving her all the more.
Oh I know that I've overlooked many men, thinking they weren't exciting enough for me. And after my only regrettable moment in my life I came to the conclusion that I'd forever end up with the good, sweet stable man (and feared that I'd not have that physical excitement)--hello! Can you say Brandon???
Well, here I am with a "Brandon" resurfacing in my life and like a ninny I'm questioning it. Sure, he's not the finest looking man out there, but I'm okay with that only because I realize that I am in serious need of that stable "Brandon" type of man. But there is one issue that I'm not sure I'm ready to take a chance on--a particular character flaw. And it's something that I have to decide if it's something that I'm willing address and deal with. It's not fair for me to try and change him of this issue. But neither is it fair for me to accept it (particularly when I don't like it) and live with it since it is an issue that can potentially break trust. If it were not for this one issue I would probably not hesitate to pursue a relationship and see where it goes. But the truth is that I'm very hesitant.
And I do have to admit that a small portion of the hesitance comes from a fact that there is one man in my church who has had a crush on me for nearly a year now. His face lights up every time he sees me. And what woman doesn't love that kind of reaction. His mother even likes me. And last month he was at a picnic/BBQ that I was at. He was taking pictures of the event and in all honesty, I would not be surprised if I was in half of them. Again, another thing that's very flattering. What I know of him is that he's a good man. And it's not his fault that I'm not attracted to shorter men. I have every confidence that if I were to give him the go ahead, he would treat me quite well. But I feel bad that I can't make myself like him like he likes me.
Maybe my problem is that I'm waiting for someone to convince me he's worth the chance. I know I'm hesitant with either of these men, or others who have recently shown interest, because I don't want my heart broken. Divorce is not an option in my opinion (and I'm shocked with how many of my friends have gotten divorced in the last year), so I'm naturally careful. But there's not been a single man who's tried to convince me to really trust him.
It's kind of funny, really. Everyone is afraid of rejection. And yet not many people know that they are close to being completely accepted. It only takes convincing me.
