What Is Engagement?

My whole life I thought that from the moment I was proposed to and said yes that this chapter of my life would be full of excitement and happiness.

It's not just hype you see on the silver screen (or big screen) or in novels. Everywhere you go there are excited brides and brides-to-be. Not to mention the the hundreds of faces of acquaintances, friends, family, and yes even strangers who surround those of us who now make regular trips to the bridal shop and hit the bridal section of the magazine racks. And even though I belong to the bridal club I find that I'm not at all excited and I'm not happy. And I question--what's wrong with me???

Tomorrow it will be three months since my fiance proposed and during this whole time I've had to ask myself one question. If I'm this miserable, when I should be the happiest I've ever been, then did I agree to marry the right person? Not such an easy question to answer. Especially when no matter how many times you do answer, it continues to come back up. Despite the flaws in my fiance, I really do love him. There are characteristics in him that I've waited and prayed over the last several years. He has strengths in areas where I'm weak, sees me like few ever do... and in short he just gets me. The only "better" man I could find would be one from the figment of my imagination. And despite the thoughts that bombard my mind, at times, I know that I know that he loves me... maybe more than I love him (if that were possible).

I can cope and handle many things in a relationship made up of imperfect people, but the one thing I can't reconcile with is the one bit of information I shared with my fiance when we got engaged. I am a short engagement girl. He said he was a short engagement man when we first talked about it. Turns out when he canceled our first wedding date he tells me he's now a long engagement man. I think it has mostly to do with the pressure he got from his family who all had LONG engagements, going up to two years (which happened to be his brother, and the person he's constantly comparing our relationship with--which is now seriously making me livid! I'm me, not his family, and we should be planning our relationship off of us not them.) So while my fiance and his family are happy that we're putting things off, I'm the one who's left all alone facing my family who have all had short engagements (even my extended family) and are all wanting to help. On top of their over exuberance I have friends who are just as excited and offering help as well as asking about when the Big Day is.

And that's a subject that brings me to instant tears, no matter how happy I am the moment before. My fiance has canceled the Big Day twice (including the date that he set saying that it was definitely the date). And to make matters worse he tells everyone that we're "discussing" when we'll get married but it's all a lie. He's not talking to me at all about it. And when I bring the subject up he pushes it off saying, "we'll talk about it soon." He's constantly telling me "I'm marrying you soon". Soon, soon, soon, soon. That's all he says is soon. And he doesn't get it that all of his soons really are not soon, but just him pushing the subject off the table and shoving it deep into the closet. For three months he's told me we'd talk finances so we could schedule the wedding. For three months he's pushed it off with a not-today-but-soon.

To make matters worse, I don't even get the luxury of planning for the wedding, my wedding too. He gets all bent out of shape if I make any decisions without including him in them.

And I made the mistake of asking for some advice/support on the wedding planning site I set up when we got engaged. All the happy excited brides on the site told me I'm to blame and that I have to give him room. I wanted to smack them so much! They don't know all the details. Just like all the details are not here. (I do happen to believe in not airing dirty laundry in public. And it's never right to make someone look bad.)

That being said, then why am I writing all of this if I don't want to make my fiance look bad? I need a place to express myself and even chronicle a moment where being engaged is not best moment in a woman's life. There are times when a bride-to-be wants to hand back the ring and tell her fiance, "why don't you ask me to marry you when you're finally ready to marry me." After all I deserve to have a man excited that he gets to marry me. A man who wants to marry me and lives in excitement because he really can't wait to make me his wife. I don't deserve the eternal "soon". No woman does.

Waiting to be Convinced

Okay, so for two days now I've had distracted thoughts.

One of the men that I went out on a date with last year (and for a few months chatted online with) found me on FB and sent the request to be friends. So being hunted down by someone I got along with isn't such a bad thing. It was just really weird. Mainly that's because when my sister announced her engagement I thought about him and wondered if I'd be able to convince him to come and be my "date" to the wedding. Mainly, I think that thought was just to make me feel better about myself--knowing without doubt that there's at least one man who's interested in me. I never did act on that thought of getting back in contact for the reason that with my youngest sister's marriage let's just say that I was not the poster child of brilliant thoughts. So I've been trying to behave myself on a few different fronts.

Anyway, I've been wondering the last two days what's going on, behind the scenes.

I also took a FB quiz: what Austin hero would you end up with. I got Colonel Brandon. I was surprised at first, because Brandon would not be my first choice. But after reflection I noticed that it's true. I do have quite a bit in common with Marianne: head strong, chase what I think is important and brush off what doesn't appear to be important, etc. Through Sense and Sensibility Brandon keeps Marianne in his sights and is there to pick up the pieces for her, loving her all the more.
Oh I know that I've overlooked many men, thinking they weren't exciting enough for me. And after my only regrettable moment in my life I came to the conclusion that I'd forever end up with the good, sweet stable man (and feared that I'd not have that physical excitement)--hello! Can you say Brandon???

Well, here I am with a "Brandon" resurfacing in my life and like a ninny I'm questioning it. Sure, he's not the finest looking man out there, but I'm okay with that only because I realize that I am in serious need of that stable "Brandon" type of man. But there is one issue that I'm not sure I'm ready to take a chance on--a particular character flaw. And it's something that I have to decide if it's something that I'm willing address and deal with. It's not fair for me to try and change him of this issue. But neither is it fair for me to accept it (particularly when I don't like it) and live with it since it is an issue that can potentially break trust. If it were not for this one issue I would probably not hesitate to pursue a relationship and see where it goes. But the truth is that I'm very hesitant.

And I do have to admit that a small portion of the hesitance comes from a fact that there is one man in my church who has had a crush on me for nearly a year now. His face lights up every time he sees me. And what woman doesn't love that kind of reaction. His mother even likes me. And last month he was at a picnic/BBQ that I was at. He was taking pictures of the event and in all honesty, I would not be surprised if I was in half of them. Again, another thing that's very flattering. What I know of him is that he's a good man. And it's not his fault that I'm not attracted to shorter men. I have every confidence that if I were to give him the go ahead, he would treat me quite well. But I feel bad that I can't make myself like him like he likes me.

Maybe my problem is that I'm waiting for someone to convince me he's worth the chance. I know I'm hesitant with either of these men, or others who have recently shown interest, because I don't want my heart broken. Divorce is not an option in my opinion (and I'm shocked with how many of my friends have gotten divorced in the last year), so I'm naturally careful. But there's not been a single man who's tried to convince me to really trust him.

It's kind of funny, really. Everyone is afraid of rejection. And yet not many people know that they are close to being completely accepted. It only takes convincing me.

Protesting Crap

So a few days back I emailed my sisters and told them what was bothering me. Out of three emails, only one got sent through--to the sister I included because she might as well be in the loop. Even though it was the exact same email, with all their names on it, the two I meant for it to go to never received it. The one who did get the email read it and called the other two to see if they read it. Having heard they didn't get it, she forwarded it to them.
That is just crap that I'm tired of happening.
On the plus side, my youngest sister is now talking to me like she use to before the whole engagement fiasco.
On the down side, my engaged sister is still not talking to me. Instead she's talking to everyone else about me, still. Which has caused my youngest sister to feel like she has to play middle man.
That is just crap that I'm tired of happening.
So I fired off another email to my engaged sister. I won't force her to talk to me face to face. No, she has to make that decision herself. But neither am I going to allow her to get away with ignoring me and not talk to me at all. That is flat out bull shit, not crap, but bull shit!
So I've decided to play nasty. She doesn't want to talk to me, fine. Every time I hear anything about her talking about me to others and not coming to me she'll get another email. I entitled tonight's "Are you going to talk to me?" I figure that has a nice little ring to it. I'll keep asking her that over and over again until she finally breaks down. Frankly I don't care if, when she breaks down, she starts yelling at me. Tonight I told her that her anger is her own problem and I'm not to blame for it. Nor am I blaming her if I get angry. If I have to keep pushing her buttons, I will. I don't care if she is a bride. And I'm not going to listen to that crap about the bride being overcome about the wedding. A person is more important than a celebratory event. And she might as well face it. If she can't talk to her own sister, what in the hell convinces her that she can talk to her fiance? There will be days where he'll piss her off more than I ever will. So she might as well get that practice down and out with. And that's precisely my excuse if anyone else in the family gives me crap about it either.
I am protesting Crap!!!!!!!

Barely Hanging On

I honestly don't know what's going on!
Today my mom progressed to have at me for being a cold hearted bitch about my sister's upcoming wedding. The one time she asked if I was planning on staying with the family during the whole time they were going to be down in Oregon for the wedding or just for the day of the wedding, I said I didn't know. Today mom said that I said I wasn't going to the wedding at all. I wanted to smack her like no other moment in my life. She thinks that little of me! There has never been a day where I've never gone to anything important to my sisters.
And yet again, when I tried to explain to her my feelings and how decisions that everyone is making without me comes across and yet again she puts a tick mark in the bitch box against me. As if I'm supposed to be happy that on the draft of room arrangements that I've been shoved off in a room far away from my family! I feel like shit as it is and she doesn't even see how that makes me feel worse, like the family is rejecting me because I'm having a hard time with my other younger sister being married before me. What? I'm supposed to jump for joy that both my sisters get married before me? In what world is that going to happen????
On top of that, she accuses me of burning my bridges with my sisters. The ever famous words "well, one day you're going to get married...." and then progressed to abuse me with the thoughts that my sisters will turn up their noses and turn their backs on me on that day. Oh I wanted to give into my anger! She blames me for the crappy relationship that I have with my engaged sister, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I gave her case and point with recent birthday's/girl's night out. My sisters invite me to go along with them and then completely ignore me while we're out. Again, one more thing for me to smile, be happy, and jump up and down about. Yeah, not! My mom's response, "well, you know brides." I laughed at my mom at that point. These examples were before the engagement. Mom's response--my sister knew that she's soon be proposed to.
How the hell did I become the designated ass hole in the family???
Dad didn't say a word the whole time through.
On top of it all, mom wants me to suck it up and kiss my sister's ass and make our relationship right. Again, I laughed. She blows me off and all my past attempts. It is not my fault at all. Even in that conversation mom told me about how my sister had difficulty communicating to her fiance about what she wants. Case and point she has trouble with communication, and yet I'm the one who's to blame for everything. Oh and mom won't have this conversation with her because my sister is too concerned with the wedding. I have to be the one to have the discussion with my sister. And I have to be gentle about it. Translation: Don't upset your sister, because if I hear about it I'll hunt you down. And it'll probably be worth about 50 ticks in the bitch box. Is it any wonder why I'm angry?
It's been only a week and I swear I'm tired of this drama. I'm tired of the crappy crying mess I've turned into. And above all I'm tired of being angry. I'm normally a happy person and now I'm beginning to question if that person ever existed because I'm a far cry from that right now. And I miss that person. The only time I come close to being normal is when I lock myself away and work on my novel. But guess what? When I do that mom tick off another mark in the bitch box. It's like there's nothing I can do to make her or anyone else in the family happy. And in the mean time I'm making myself miserable.
Instead of continuing to be happy with me about my writing and the opportunities I have with agents who want to look at my novel, my writing is not a mark against me because it's "taking you away from the family". Are you serious???? This is a dream of mind long before I graduated from High School. I have the opportunity to turn this into a profession and career. But instead of being something good, it enables me to be a bitch.
The only time mom is happy now is if I agree to do something for the cause (the wedding). I finally found something that doesn't absolutely kill me to do and agree to do it. Then what happens, mom pushes me into accepting to do other things, because that one is not enough. In response I also get, "I'm proud of you" as if I'm an alcoholic and turn down a shot starting me in the face. I don't want her pride, her thanks, or anything else. I'll do what I can without feeling like shit and I don't want to hear a word about it.
Ah! I can't wait until this all past me. I wish my sister was getting married next week. Then I can get back to my life and not have to put up with all this dramatic crap!!!!

Hoping Not to Be the Scrooge of Weddings

I honestly wonder how long I can keep my emotions in check.

Tonight my sister announced her engagement. It did not come as a shock. The second time that her fiance come over to dinner with the family, that was the moment that I knew he was the man for her. So I was not surprised by this announcement. Nor was I surprised by my emotional reaction, which I had to keep to myself.

As the oldest of three girls, everything in my being cries injustice. I should have been the first one married. And now I will be the last.

Yes, one can argue that times have changed. The birth order of female children no longer dictates when/in which order one marries. But there's this innate feeling inside that cries out that this is all wrong, natural order has been broken. And it frickin' hurts. It's actually a hundred times worse than a biological clock unfulfilled. And now I wonder just how I can contain everything that breaks inside of me, one more time.

I handled my youngest sister's marriage very poorly. There was very little I could have done that would have been worse. And I was determined never to be that bad again (even though I prayed that I would never have to face this situation again). Lo and behold, that prayer was not answered. And on Day 1 the only thing I can announce is that I did not cry in front of my family and I did not have a bad attitude. Fortunately I have been so absorbed in the revisions of my novel that I had that excuse tonight for my silence. In truth I was practicing self control and trying hard not to have history repeat. And I knew my mother would ask why I was so quiet (she had this knack of pointing out my weaknesses, as if I actually need her help). And so I lied. Damn, that's one thing that I've gotten to good at through the years. And tonight was the perfect production. No one suspected a thing.

And all the while I suffered. No moment was worse than when my sister announced that she wants to get married in November or February. I wanted to run from the table or make a scene at that point. How could she dare pick my birth month?! Isn't it bad enough that I have to live through this crap. So I'm possessive of one flipping month. I think I deserve that. Now I've struggled all night long how to tactfully tell her to pick February. I'll survive a February wedding. But I swear I don't know how I'll react if she chooses November. It's a hard enough month for me just facing a birthday (and half the time those birthdays have been catastrophes in the past). The last thing I want to do is face a wedding and an impending birthday.

Why the hell can't I have a birthday where I'm not looking over my shoulder with paranoia? Why can't I have a problem where I can actually talk to a friend who can somewhat relate? Nope, all my friends are married. So now I'm left with journaling my feelings out between taking shots and searching movie listings for a good action flick that has absolutely no romance involved.

How much time????

So I had coffee with one of my best friends this afternoon and the conversation briefly came to the topic of blogs. I did a mental palm thump to the forehead as I realized that I have not made any posts in quite a few months. So here I am.
Updates....
Still off work because of my wrist. My physical therapy appointment yesterday was a let down and relief at the same time. My doctor had be start that up again six weeks ago. The last several appointments have taken me two to three days to recover. Not a good sign. So my therapist has written a report to my doctor, which I will see next week. So for the second time I have had to quit therapy because its only causing me more pain. The most frustrating thing is that I have all this pain but there's no medical tests/proof that something is wrong. I HATE IT!!!! We'll see what my doctor will say next.
All of my time has been spent working on my novel and peer reviewing on a writer's site. I needed this so much. After spending so much time working and reading my own novel, I new I was missing something. And everyone has been great about giving me feedback--something I've been starving for. My two big problems: POV hopping in scenes and redundancy. Now that I know these two things, I think that my story has been tightening up very nicely. I'm excited!
But the biggest news that's driving me is the fact that I've signed up for a writer's convention for the end of next month. I get to speak with an agent and an editor. (That is what all my attention to my writing is for). I still have every hope that soon I will pick up an agent. And by the end of the year I have a publishing house who wants to sign me. We will see how everything turns out. But the one thing that I steadfastly believe is that without "soon" goals, they will never be reached. So I'm shooting for the "soon".
The only excitement I've had in my personal life is the fact that some strange man approached my in a Fred Meyer parking lot as I was getting into my car. The weather was nice, so my window was cracked. But the moment I saw him heading to me, I put my key in the ignition and started my engine. Which was a good thing. The guy actually had the balls to shove his hand through my window to shake my hand while he introduced himself. In freaky situations like this I have no problem lying and telling men that I'm seeing someone. I can be nice and it gives him an easy out--no one has hurt feelings. Not this guy. He shoved his hand through my window again!!!! This time to give me his business card, "in case you change your mind." What was going through his mind?!!! He broke so many rules. 1) NEVER invade the safety of a woman's car. 2) NEVER move in on another man's woman--unless you want her to think that you have little opinion of relationships! (Even if it's an imaginary relationship.) The other rules don't matter because those two are cardinal rules. On the plus side, I do have to give him a point for persistence. But the freakiness factor wins out!!!!
I've had the relapse a thought that I had years ago. I think it would be fun to hit the matchmaking festival in Ireland. If nothing else, it would prove to be some great entertainment. Besides, at least then you're like 99% sure that they are NOT married, but want to be married. Oh well.... Who said life was boring????

"Is anyone listening?"

(This is something that I posted on a discussion board and believe that I needed to add this here as well.)

If anyone has watched the news the last couple of days it is hard to miss one of the most impactful topics covered nationwide, a video a California high school class recorded about how the economy has impacted their lives entitled: Is anyone listening? Each and every time I see a news broadcast on these high schoolers I never fail to tear up because what they are going through now, I lived through nearly 20 years ago. Following is my story and how God brought my family through. Even though the President says that he is listening, NO ONE listens like our God listens!!!!
I don't remember how it all started or even why, but by the time I was in the fourth grade I knew one thing about my family--we definitely did not have enough money to live in a two bedroom apartment for a family of five. Since I was a child, I thought everything was normal. I thought my parents refusal of things that we asked for was the typical parental denial. The first day that I realized that something was wrong was not with the trips that we made to the food bank or the fact that we had to eat things that we did not like (just because it was the only food given to us). No, the first day that I found out that something was financially wrong with my family was the night when my mother sat me down at the dinner table with my two younger sisters and put our plates in front of us. As I complained and cried about how I HATED brussel sprouts my mother and father left the room. It was the first and only time that I ever remember that my parents did not eat a meal with us. I knew that something was wrong but I was too young to understand what was going on.It was not until years later that I began to learn little bits of information here and there about that period in time of my life. My dad was in school and working. My mother held down multiple jobs. All of this was to scrape together what we needed to live. Even though my parents went to the government for help they said that my parents made to much money for government paid housing. We could not put enough food on the table and yet my parents made to much money! I do not even know other aide my parents were turned down from. Nor do I know just how bad off we were. I am inclined to think that we were probably close to be homeless ourselves. But what I know is that the government never helped my family. (And despite the promises that our President is making in front of the cameras, I seriously doubt that the government will help any of the families today.)BUT HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS!From that moment in the early years of my life, I became aware of how much God looked after me and my family. We were definitely poor for many years. So much so that when I first heard of tithing (I grew up going to church ever since I was a baby) and the promises that God made in His Word pertaining to tithing I knew that I had nothing to lose. Things could really not get much worse for me or what I knew of my family life. I WAS DESPERATE! So I chose to tithe on my allowance (a couple of dollars a week for doing work around the house). I was the first person in my family to regularly tithe. Not long after I began tithing, I noticed that my mother began to faithfully tithe. I do not know how long it took God to begin to change things, but I KNOW that from that first day that I tithed and my parents tithed that our family life totally changed.Over the years my family has seen financial blessing that supersede anything that we had in the past. I have never been without work. Sure there have been times where I've sweated it and fought with my flesh about whether or not I could "afford" to tithe for one week. The times where I overcame my flesh God came through immediately. The times where I withheld my tithe, I felt the pinch for a short season. I never chose to skip two tithes because I KNOW how God works through my giving. And God has never failed me financially.MORE GOOD NEWS!Over a year ago I injured myself at work. In April I will be off work, because of the injury, for a year. I struggled like no other period in my life because of what seemed like an injustice (so much so that early on I was seriously angry at the situation), but God has still never left me financially. He continues to provide for me just as He has for nearly two decades. Even though I have mixed feelings about the pain that I continue to go through, my greatest blessing is that I have never had to serious feel the economic pinch. I have not had to drive to work each day wondering if it was my last. I do not believe that God orchestrated my injury to take care of my finances, but He has used the event to take care of me in a season where our nation is struggling.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE FEELING THE ECONOMIC PINCH, whether you have told anyone or not, I plead with you to trust God in this matter!!!What ever little that you receive right now, trust God, put God to the test! GOD WILL NEVER FAIL YOU! In fact I can say with all assurity that God is more in the financial business than ever before. For the first time in my life I have been able to give more than just my tithe to God regularly and faithfully. And the best part is that the digits that represent the amount of money that you give in tithe (and offering--anything beyond the tithe) does not matter one bit to God! Remember the widow who gave two minas and Jesus praised her for given more than the wealthy men! Don't neglect your tithe and I promise that God will bring you through this economic season like you will never imagine!
God Bless!