I honestly wonder how long I can keep my emotions in check.
Tonight my sister announced her engagement. It did not come as a shock. The second time that her fiance come over to dinner with the family, that was the moment that I knew he was the man for her. So I was not surprised by this announcement. Nor was I surprised by my emotional reaction, which I had to keep to myself.
As the oldest of three girls, everything in my being cries injustice. I should have been the first one married. And now I will be the last.
Yes, one can argue that times have changed. The birth order of female children no longer dictates when/in which order one marries. But there's this innate feeling inside that cries out that this is all wrong, natural order has been broken. And it frickin' hurts. It's actually a hundred times worse than a biological clock unfulfilled. And now I wonder just how I can contain everything that breaks inside of me, one more time.
I handled my youngest sister's marriage very poorly. There was very little I could have done that would have been worse. And I was determined never to be that bad again (even though I prayed that I would never have to face this situation again). Lo and behold, that prayer was not answered. And on Day 1 the only thing I can announce is that I did not cry in front of my family and I did not have a bad attitude. Fortunately I have been so absorbed in the revisions of my novel that I had that excuse tonight for my silence. In truth I was practicing self control and trying hard not to have history repeat. And I knew my mother would ask why I was so quiet (she had this knack of pointing out my weaknesses, as if I actually need her help). And so I lied. Damn, that's one thing that I've gotten to good at through the years. And tonight was the perfect production. No one suspected a thing.
And all the while I suffered. No moment was worse than when my sister announced that she wants to get married in November or February. I wanted to run from the table or make a scene at that point. How could she dare pick my birth month?! Isn't it bad enough that I have to live through this crap. So I'm possessive of one flipping month. I think I deserve that. Now I've struggled all night long how to tactfully tell her to pick February. I'll survive a February wedding. But I swear I don't know how I'll react if she chooses November. It's a hard enough month for me just facing a birthday (and half the time those birthdays have been catastrophes in the past). The last thing I want to do is face a wedding and an impending birthday.
Why the hell can't I have a birthday where I'm not looking over my shoulder with paranoia? Why can't I have a problem where I can actually talk to a friend who can somewhat relate? Nope, all my friends are married. So now I'm left with journaling my feelings out between taking shots and searching movie listings for a good action flick that has absolutely no romance involved.
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