Recently I've gone out on two dates, my first two in the last 12 years. I forgot how time consuming it was to put yourself out there in the dating arena. There are moments where I have thoughts that it is just so much easier to not date, just to go on busying up my time with other things. Focusing on other parts of my life. But at the same time, I wonder why I've waited for so long to put myself out there. Not that it's been a recent development or anything. I've been pursuing the online dating thing because I don't have many single friends in my acquaintance anymore. They're all getting married. So the number of single people I know has been quickly shrinking. Not that it's a bad thing. It just means I've had to look in less than traditional areas.
There has only been one drawback, for me, with online dating--it's a way to in essence to play the field to see who all is out there. But I am not the play the field type. So in order for me to do this and not have a problem with my conscience, I have to had to step even more into the world of awkwardness by being honest with men I talk to that I'm talking with other men. That is really the most awkward thing I've ever had to do in my life because the last time I dated, it was all face to face, one on one. I got to know one person at a time. And now there's this.... getting to know a few men at the same time. And it's weird because I'm looking for a meaningful relationship and in my mind, my traditional thinking, it doesn't mesh well with online dating.
Maybe it has more to do with the fact that I have started looking at dating in a whole new light. I remember when I was younger always praying stuff like, "God, please let him...." Oh, there are way too many prayers that were started that way. But the thing that I never knew what I understand now. The one great thing that God gave mankind is free will. It was man's freely given love that God sought for the most. And what we fail to see is that it is the very same thing that we seek in one another.
Over the last few weeks I've had to learn how to be myself and allow a man to be himself. We all want to be ourselves with others and it's the most liberating feeling to be free to be yourself around others. But the hardest thing is to allow another person to be themself when you are trying to "snag" them.
There has been one man that I have been learning this with. What it means to hold your hands out, palms up, when by instinct all you want to do is cling. What it means to allow him to be himself, to make up his own mind without trying to persuade or convince him to any conclusion. What it means to accept him, even with the faults you know he has, and not say a word to try to make, convince, or coerce to change. What it means to take him at face value and still answer truthfully when you know what you think or want is not at all what he thinks or wants. And the truth is the hardest. The truth cuts in a way that is not predictable. And you have to trust that the truth you give will stand on it's own. Truth is the only thing that can't stab you in the back. But the truth is the one thing that affects free will like nothing else. There is no set way that truth reacts with free will. It's not predictable like reactions in a chemistry class. But the reaction is not some random chance. There are laws that govern truth that I don't even begin to understand. And that is what is making this learning experience challenging, exciting, and even beguiling. Because somehow, in some way, the combination of truth and giving someone the freedom of using free will, people change. I change. He changes. And these changes have made me ask questions that I never thought I would ask. What is going on? Why is this happening? How is it happening?
But above all, the hardest thing is not giving into the woman's way of thinking. Trying to read in between the lines. Trying harder not to make the relationship more than it is. And trying even harder yet to keep those hands open--giving him the option to walk away at any time, because there are no promises spoken, no vows, no covenants. The only thing that is there is free will. The only thing present and completely understood is that we are both acting in free will to get to know each other.
