Nothing new with the wrist. I've regressed to having to wear a wrist brace quite a bit more than I've ever had to do since the surgery. Not very encouraging. But next week I have the consultation appointment with another doctor for a second opinion.
Last week I had an appointment with a vocational counselor, through L&I. That was actually an emotional roller coaster for me. First of all, I had tried putting it off because it's too early for me to even consider going back to work, with the state of my wrist. L&I though otherwise, and so I had to do it. The vocational counselor thought that it was too early as well. In fact, she thought that from what she's seen of my file that she's leaning towards expecting another surgery. She was even talking about the procedure of what will happen when the doctor might say that there's nothing more he can do for me medically. Now that's nothing anyone wants to hear. Sure compensation would be good, but I'd rather have a healthy and pain free wrist right now. I'm leaving out a lot of that conversation because I really don't want to start crying again. I'd like an end to all of this, but I'm not delusional enough to tell myself there is an end in sight. And because I can't see the end, that's frightening enough on it's own. But I can say there was a good thing that happened in the appointment with the vocational counselor. I was able to talk to her about my concerns every time I hear the words about returning to work for light duty. For the first time I saw that I had finally forgiven everyone involved for what happened the day before my surgery. I was able to talk to the counselor about the challenges that I had to go through the whole time I was working while injured and how the cafe I was in was not a good environment. In fact, for the first time I was able to look back through the whole ordeal and see how others were observing what was going on. No one was able to work with me because they did not take the moment to see how my injury was effecting me. I tried to work at a level where my injury would be least invasive to the team, but because of that, they expected me to work uninjured. And I think that was what caused the failure. Am I still leery in returning back to working with them, oh yes. But I no longer have that worry. My doctor is looking out for me. And now I have my vocational counselor to look after me.
Now on to the personal....
I had a great time going to the corn maze! How I love making a way through mazes in the dark. So meeting a whole new group of people, always brings out the nerves, but these people were a great bunch--when I learned when I could be myself around them and not think too much about it. For example, (the mazes were at Merris Farms) there was a live band that was playing. As we walked passed them I joined in singing with the songs and doing a little a dance. The funny thing was everyone else joined in on the singing and dancing. That kind of tempered down a little when someone noticed that were turned into the entertainment of an older couple. We only kept on because I didn't care what the older couple thought. I was having fun and do it by myself anyway. Although I was glad that I didn't have to do it on my own. It's always more fun when others join in.
It was great for my ego to go out. There were three men who showed up. Two of them had at one point in our conversations told me that I was beautiful. Yes, that is definitely good for the ego. But honestly, the best part was that they were genuine compliments and not just lines to get into my pants. That and for once, it was not a problem that I've used my brain and have opinions. In fact one conversation had it where everyone has to have opinions. So here it is, I found a group of people where I can fit in with. That's always been a hard thing for me. I'm not the typical traditional girly type of woman. And that has always been a problem. But the men that I was talking with, they were sure of themselves (had a healthy confidence level). So here, I had a night with some real men. And that was reason enough for me to pay attention to my own feelings and desires. Especially when there was one of the men that we kept running into each other through out the night. That and there were a couple of times where he had actually put his hand gently on my lower back to help not running smack dab into me or to direct me through the maze. It had been waaay too long since I've been touched there and that was driving me crazy. And not in the bad sense, which is my problem. I'm a touch kind of girl. So touch is something I can easily lose my head over and therefore something that I have to watch and make sure that I don't do just that. That aside, that night was a great night. It just felt good to get out and do something.
So I made my plans for group activities for November and December. I couldn't make my schedule work for the EMP/SFM, so I have the SAM (Seattle Art Museum) instead, which I'm looking forward to. That is going to be a fun event, since there are quite a few interesting displays going on. That is for next month. In December I have a little get together scheduled to talk about a book and have a little Christmas party. So now, I've been initiated in leading group activities. I can't wait to see how that will all turn out. But hey, as long as I have fun, I'm sure it will translate.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The View From Upside Down
After a small break, to regroup, I decided it was time to write again.
The wrist... well this last week I had the appointment with my doctor. He didn't see the bone scan as a problem with the cartilage. Instead, to his eyes the afflicted area is where the pins were in my wrist. But that doesn't change the fact that he's at a loss as to what is going on. He's concerned with the pain. For that I am very grateful that my doctor is looking out for me. I just wish there was a definitive answer to what is wrong. It makes things a whole lot easier (for instance I finally had a talk today with my director, for the play I am in this December. But I'll talk more about this in just a moment). So now the whole plan with the doctor is that I'm scheduled for a second opinion with one of the other doctors in his office. I keep telling myself that this is good because now there is two sets of eyes and two brains now working on this. I just hate the fact that I have a mystery injury. (Although I'm not alone in this area since daddy and I have pretty similar health and medical experiences--we don't get the common stuff, it's always the tough ones that stump doctors.) This will all happen at the beginning of November. Other than that, and depending on what the second doctor thinks, the next plan is another MRI. There's no talk of another surgery yet. It's just disenheartening when you can see just how baffled your doctor is. Because it's bad enough when you are personally at a loss. But when you see that the expert is at a loss, all of a sudden no one is in control. The only thing that keeps me sane is my faith in God. Because my history has proven time and time again that even when things are out of my control, they have never been out of God's control. Just like at many other times, I just wish I knew what God knows/sees. Having a little bit more knowledge would help out quite a lot!
Okay, so the director... It was hard enough the first time, to tell her (give her the heads up) that something was going on medically with my wrist and I wasn't too sure what to expect. But there's no way I'm going to put the production in a position where at the last minute I can't fulfill my obligation. And that pain of being honest hit me again today, albeit not as bad at the when I first talked to the director about this. It was just hard today because she told me how much that she loves working with me. And if I knew what was happening with my wrist I could have told her more and help her think ahead and plan. But I can't. My two scheduled doctors' appointments are the first two weeks of November. The MRI could be another week or two after that. Worst case scenario would be a surgery scheduled shortly after the MRI. That would put that at about the time of opening weekend, if not the week before. So you see the delima. And I really do want this role. But I guess I should be focusing on the best case scenario which would be that nothing happens until after the musical. And the director said that she just didn't want to have me in a position of being stressed out about having to be stage presentable. This makes me very thankful that I have a wonderful director--while I'm concerned on what will be best for the production, she keeps turning it back to what is good for me and my health. She is a great woman! But I just have to trust that this too will just work out.
On to my dating/social life.... This was my first week with Equally Yoked. It's been a little while since I've been at this weird level of mixed excitement and nervousness. I'll admit to it--because I am able to, I have checked out the "competition". I was curious. With the dating sites I was with before I had no idea what types of women that the men I was matched with were seeing. After all I never did see myself as the pretty girl in grade school, junior high or even high school. In college I thought I had a little bit of a cuteness factor. It was all the analyzing in combination with what I knew what my height was. I didn't think that I could compare with the button cute short little things that just oozed with damsel-in-distress-femininity. I learned a few years ago that I don't have to be the damsel-in-distress. I just have to be me. Frankly I have never seen the beauty and confidence come out of me until the beginning of this last summer, when I drastically changed my hair coloring. I guess it's just the fact that I went with a style that is not "fashionable" but I pull off remarkably well--it's done something for my confidence I guess. Now I get to test drive it in a large social setting. I have a great picture on line. The picture though, has only gotten the attention of one man (at this moment). And this is where all the nerves come in. He's 48 and has two children, 19 and 17. I'm nervous because I'm closer in age to his children than I am with him. And it begs the question--what is it that he's thinking? I mean 18 years is a big difference in age for me now that I think about it. I mean after all my parents are 53. Sure there have been times where people (like hospital staff) thought that I was married to my dad (for whatever reason that was about). I'm okay with the thought of dating a man in his early 40's. But once I start thinking of even mid-40's I get nervous. Maybe it's because I've never wanted to be a trophy wife. I've enjoyed having a brain and personality. I don't want to just be dangled from the arm as proof of masculinity. Besides that, I really want to have children of my own and men that much older are not generally thinking about children at all. The other thing that makes me nervous is the fact that I've also begun looking at men a few years younger than me. And just the though of being a handful of years older myself--I just don't know if I have what it takes to be a cougar. And I never thought I would ever put me as the noun in the same sentence with being a cougar! It's foreign territory!! Anyway, I need away from this subject.
So this week I went to the bible study. And the one cliche that I run into the vast majority of the time when people learn my name, I got asked yet again. So, are you really a princess then? This time I fought hard to not get irritated by it or make some smart ass comment steeped with sarcasm. Instead, I went a different route and said that my family accuse me of being one. (Which they have a time or two.) That produced laughs all around the group. I have to admit that made me feel a little better about the question. I'd rather have people laugh than get the wrong impression about me. Anyway, as it turns out, that question was asked by the man who lead this week's bible study, and turns out to be a single pastor in the program as well. Not so bad, but the tone of the whole study kind of irritated me because a lot of the opinions being thrown out were contrary to what I've learned and studied myself. And one thing that gets me angry quicker than anything else is when Christians rationalize (or sound like it) that God wants all believers to live simply, maybe not poor, but not rich either. There is no scriptural basis for that thought. That was the tenure being taken with the Old Testament scriptures being read. So when my time came where I could speak, I brought everything into context with the Old Testament thinkology of the Israelites--that wealth was the outward sign of God's blessing on believers. That the wealthy had to be righteous. One of the men in the group took notes at one point, suddenly interested in what was being said. The pastor perked up--after I was finished, he went off of what I said to expound on a thought or two. One of the ladies, who works in the office and previously led a study, her eyes lit up as well. I kind of wanted to kick myself afterward, because whenever I speak up like that, there's no hiding in the corners for me, no blending in. As if I ever blended into anything. But this was my first group activity, and I couldn't last and hour and half without opening my mouth. But I think the true reason behind my wanting to kick myself is the compliment I received after I got done speaking. The pastor looked intently at me and told me that I was indeed a princess because of the manner in which I spoke. The way that he phrased it did not come out the way that he intended it to come out. I saw the look and knew the meaning that the laid behind the phrasing that did come out. The pastor did a little shuffle to make the correction--that God being King, I spoke like His true daughter, a princess. One of the other men helped with the correction, by saying that we were all princesses. Getting his footing back, and in attempt to incorporate humor, the pastor said that the man was definitely a princess. The man then continued the joke by commenting on how he needed to find his pink tutu. There were a couple of laughs and the subject drastically changed directions.
For other group outings, I have one planned for tomorrow at a corn maze. Another one in a couple of weeks for an evening sail. I need to get plans turned in for an outing to the EMP/Sci-Fi Museum. And then I'm thinking about continuing with the weekly bible studies (despite the uncomfortable moment at this last one). And we will see what will happen next. I just want to increase my social life and activity. I just need out of the house and meet people. I guess I can safely say that I am indeed meeting new people. Now, just to find the man that I've been waiting for all these years.
The wrist... well this last week I had the appointment with my doctor. He didn't see the bone scan as a problem with the cartilage. Instead, to his eyes the afflicted area is where the pins were in my wrist. But that doesn't change the fact that he's at a loss as to what is going on. He's concerned with the pain. For that I am very grateful that my doctor is looking out for me. I just wish there was a definitive answer to what is wrong. It makes things a whole lot easier (for instance I finally had a talk today with my director, for the play I am in this December. But I'll talk more about this in just a moment). So now the whole plan with the doctor is that I'm scheduled for a second opinion with one of the other doctors in his office. I keep telling myself that this is good because now there is two sets of eyes and two brains now working on this. I just hate the fact that I have a mystery injury. (Although I'm not alone in this area since daddy and I have pretty similar health and medical experiences--we don't get the common stuff, it's always the tough ones that stump doctors.) This will all happen at the beginning of November. Other than that, and depending on what the second doctor thinks, the next plan is another MRI. There's no talk of another surgery yet. It's just disenheartening when you can see just how baffled your doctor is. Because it's bad enough when you are personally at a loss. But when you see that the expert is at a loss, all of a sudden no one is in control. The only thing that keeps me sane is my faith in God. Because my history has proven time and time again that even when things are out of my control, they have never been out of God's control. Just like at many other times, I just wish I knew what God knows/sees. Having a little bit more knowledge would help out quite a lot!
Okay, so the director... It was hard enough the first time, to tell her (give her the heads up) that something was going on medically with my wrist and I wasn't too sure what to expect. But there's no way I'm going to put the production in a position where at the last minute I can't fulfill my obligation. And that pain of being honest hit me again today, albeit not as bad at the when I first talked to the director about this. It was just hard today because she told me how much that she loves working with me. And if I knew what was happening with my wrist I could have told her more and help her think ahead and plan. But I can't. My two scheduled doctors' appointments are the first two weeks of November. The MRI could be another week or two after that. Worst case scenario would be a surgery scheduled shortly after the MRI. That would put that at about the time of opening weekend, if not the week before. So you see the delima. And I really do want this role. But I guess I should be focusing on the best case scenario which would be that nothing happens until after the musical. And the director said that she just didn't want to have me in a position of being stressed out about having to be stage presentable. This makes me very thankful that I have a wonderful director--while I'm concerned on what will be best for the production, she keeps turning it back to what is good for me and my health. She is a great woman! But I just have to trust that this too will just work out.
On to my dating/social life.... This was my first week with Equally Yoked. It's been a little while since I've been at this weird level of mixed excitement and nervousness. I'll admit to it--because I am able to, I have checked out the "competition". I was curious. With the dating sites I was with before I had no idea what types of women that the men I was matched with were seeing. After all I never did see myself as the pretty girl in grade school, junior high or even high school. In college I thought I had a little bit of a cuteness factor. It was all the analyzing in combination with what I knew what my height was. I didn't think that I could compare with the button cute short little things that just oozed with damsel-in-distress-femininity. I learned a few years ago that I don't have to be the damsel-in-distress. I just have to be me. Frankly I have never seen the beauty and confidence come out of me until the beginning of this last summer, when I drastically changed my hair coloring. I guess it's just the fact that I went with a style that is not "fashionable" but I pull off remarkably well--it's done something for my confidence I guess. Now I get to test drive it in a large social setting. I have a great picture on line. The picture though, has only gotten the attention of one man (at this moment). And this is where all the nerves come in. He's 48 and has two children, 19 and 17. I'm nervous because I'm closer in age to his children than I am with him. And it begs the question--what is it that he's thinking? I mean 18 years is a big difference in age for me now that I think about it. I mean after all my parents are 53. Sure there have been times where people (like hospital staff) thought that I was married to my dad (for whatever reason that was about). I'm okay with the thought of dating a man in his early 40's. But once I start thinking of even mid-40's I get nervous. Maybe it's because I've never wanted to be a trophy wife. I've enjoyed having a brain and personality. I don't want to just be dangled from the arm as proof of masculinity. Besides that, I really want to have children of my own and men that much older are not generally thinking about children at all. The other thing that makes me nervous is the fact that I've also begun looking at men a few years younger than me. And just the though of being a handful of years older myself--I just don't know if I have what it takes to be a cougar. And I never thought I would ever put me as the noun in the same sentence with being a cougar! It's foreign territory!! Anyway, I need away from this subject.
So this week I went to the bible study. And the one cliche that I run into the vast majority of the time when people learn my name, I got asked yet again. So, are you really a princess then? This time I fought hard to not get irritated by it or make some smart ass comment steeped with sarcasm. Instead, I went a different route and said that my family accuse me of being one. (Which they have a time or two.) That produced laughs all around the group. I have to admit that made me feel a little better about the question. I'd rather have people laugh than get the wrong impression about me. Anyway, as it turns out, that question was asked by the man who lead this week's bible study, and turns out to be a single pastor in the program as well. Not so bad, but the tone of the whole study kind of irritated me because a lot of the opinions being thrown out were contrary to what I've learned and studied myself. And one thing that gets me angry quicker than anything else is when Christians rationalize (or sound like it) that God wants all believers to live simply, maybe not poor, but not rich either. There is no scriptural basis for that thought. That was the tenure being taken with the Old Testament scriptures being read. So when my time came where I could speak, I brought everything into context with the Old Testament thinkology of the Israelites--that wealth was the outward sign of God's blessing on believers. That the wealthy had to be righteous. One of the men in the group took notes at one point, suddenly interested in what was being said. The pastor perked up--after I was finished, he went off of what I said to expound on a thought or two. One of the ladies, who works in the office and previously led a study, her eyes lit up as well. I kind of wanted to kick myself afterward, because whenever I speak up like that, there's no hiding in the corners for me, no blending in. As if I ever blended into anything. But this was my first group activity, and I couldn't last and hour and half without opening my mouth. But I think the true reason behind my wanting to kick myself is the compliment I received after I got done speaking. The pastor looked intently at me and told me that I was indeed a princess because of the manner in which I spoke. The way that he phrased it did not come out the way that he intended it to come out. I saw the look and knew the meaning that the laid behind the phrasing that did come out. The pastor did a little shuffle to make the correction--that God being King, I spoke like His true daughter, a princess. One of the other men helped with the correction, by saying that we were all princesses. Getting his footing back, and in attempt to incorporate humor, the pastor said that the man was definitely a princess. The man then continued the joke by commenting on how he needed to find his pink tutu. There were a couple of laughs and the subject drastically changed directions.
For other group outings, I have one planned for tomorrow at a corn maze. Another one in a couple of weeks for an evening sail. I need to get plans turned in for an outing to the EMP/Sci-Fi Museum. And then I'm thinking about continuing with the weekly bible studies (despite the uncomfortable moment at this last one). And we will see what will happen next. I just want to increase my social life and activity. I just need out of the house and meet people. I guess I can safely say that I am indeed meeting new people. Now, just to find the man that I've been waiting for all these years.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
My Weakness
(Forgive me. A lot of what I just wrote below is just a lot of thinking release. I have no idea how much sense it will make, if any at all. I just need to get it all out of my head.)
So the last few days I've been having to deal with my one weakness, things happening beyond control. It's not like I'm a classic control freak, but I do have to admit I like it when things move smoothly. If they move smoothly under someone else's watch, I'm totally okay with that. But if things are not moving smoothly I have no problem stepping up to try to get things going again. In fact, over the last few years, I've grown in letting others take things over. But this is not the issue that I wanted to address, because there has not been a person who's botched it. It's the loss of control because life happens. Yes, there is no way of preventing that. But there is a way to turn situations around to find some good in them. And this is one situation I'm not sure if it can be spun into a good light.
A few weeks ago, I thought there might be something more wrong with my wrist. And I mentioned that before. I think I even mentioned about how I sent off those emails about the play and teaching. The funny thing is that I've gotten no response back on those. But I did have that bone scan today. On the bright side, my circulation is good. So that means that the pain I have is not because of inflammation. On the other side, the scan did show that there is something wrong in the joint--but this I already knew. There is now just a bit of clinical evidence. And that is good. It's something that can be seen. What's not so good... the doctor who oversaw the scan, it is his opinion that the problem is in the cartilage. This I don't know how to process. After all my doctor, he checked both sides of the cartilage when he operated on me back in April. And it was his opinion that there was nothing wrong with it then, that it was perfectly fine. So now there's the wait for about a week and a half until I can get in to see my doctor and find out what his take is on this scan.
All in all that should be good news. There's proof that there's something wrong. My prayers are being answered. I'm still okay with the idea of a second surgery. What I have not been okay with is the fact that with this option, I have had to move backwards in so many areas. I am not working and can't look for employment. (But on the bright side, the employment agency I had been in touch with said they will keep my information and all I have to do is give them a call when things get taken care of.) But I am still in the dark as to what will happen with the play. And I will have to take time away from my class. Even though in my heart, I know all of this is just a temporary setback, it's not clear forward movement.
Speaking of forward movement.... I'm not sure what to do at all with that guy that I really like. We were supposed to get together next week, but I've not heard anything from him in about two weeks now. I just don't get it at all! On one hand there's every indication that he likes me. Then on the other, it's clear that he's not taken with me. Because if he truly was taken, he'd be calling, emailing, or something frequently. I had such hope that this man was potentially something. But I'm beginning to think otherwise. And that hurts. It hurts a lot. Not devastatingly so, but it still hurts. Tonight I texted him if the plans were still on. So far no word. If I don't hear anything in a day or two, I'll flat out ask him if we are even talking anymore (just to have some closure).
I want and deserve someone to be crazy for me. So I put myself out there again. Not even an hour ago, I looked into Equally Yolked. I just need to get out and socialize, have fun, meet lots of men in person. In person for me is really good anyway. Besides that, this company actually interviews people in person before they become members. They weed out the married men and their profiles list marital history. That takes a load off of my mind. It's one less thing to have floating around. Besides, I have to do something. I'm not meeting anyone and that has to change.
So the last few days I've been having to deal with my one weakness, things happening beyond control. It's not like I'm a classic control freak, but I do have to admit I like it when things move smoothly. If they move smoothly under someone else's watch, I'm totally okay with that. But if things are not moving smoothly I have no problem stepping up to try to get things going again. In fact, over the last few years, I've grown in letting others take things over. But this is not the issue that I wanted to address, because there has not been a person who's botched it. It's the loss of control because life happens. Yes, there is no way of preventing that. But there is a way to turn situations around to find some good in them. And this is one situation I'm not sure if it can be spun into a good light.
A few weeks ago, I thought there might be something more wrong with my wrist. And I mentioned that before. I think I even mentioned about how I sent off those emails about the play and teaching. The funny thing is that I've gotten no response back on those. But I did have that bone scan today. On the bright side, my circulation is good. So that means that the pain I have is not because of inflammation. On the other side, the scan did show that there is something wrong in the joint--but this I already knew. There is now just a bit of clinical evidence. And that is good. It's something that can be seen. What's not so good... the doctor who oversaw the scan, it is his opinion that the problem is in the cartilage. This I don't know how to process. After all my doctor, he checked both sides of the cartilage when he operated on me back in April. And it was his opinion that there was nothing wrong with it then, that it was perfectly fine. So now there's the wait for about a week and a half until I can get in to see my doctor and find out what his take is on this scan.
All in all that should be good news. There's proof that there's something wrong. My prayers are being answered. I'm still okay with the idea of a second surgery. What I have not been okay with is the fact that with this option, I have had to move backwards in so many areas. I am not working and can't look for employment. (But on the bright side, the employment agency I had been in touch with said they will keep my information and all I have to do is give them a call when things get taken care of.) But I am still in the dark as to what will happen with the play. And I will have to take time away from my class. Even though in my heart, I know all of this is just a temporary setback, it's not clear forward movement.
Speaking of forward movement.... I'm not sure what to do at all with that guy that I really like. We were supposed to get together next week, but I've not heard anything from him in about two weeks now. I just don't get it at all! On one hand there's every indication that he likes me. Then on the other, it's clear that he's not taken with me. Because if he truly was taken, he'd be calling, emailing, or something frequently. I had such hope that this man was potentially something. But I'm beginning to think otherwise. And that hurts. It hurts a lot. Not devastatingly so, but it still hurts. Tonight I texted him if the plans were still on. So far no word. If I don't hear anything in a day or two, I'll flat out ask him if we are even talking anymore (just to have some closure).
I want and deserve someone to be crazy for me. So I put myself out there again. Not even an hour ago, I looked into Equally Yolked. I just need to get out and socialize, have fun, meet lots of men in person. In person for me is really good anyway. Besides that, this company actually interviews people in person before they become members. They weed out the married men and their profiles list marital history. That takes a load off of my mind. It's one less thing to have floating around. Besides, I have to do something. I'm not meeting anyone and that has to change.
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