My whole life I thought that from the moment I was proposed to and said yes that this chapter of my life would be full of excitement and happiness.
It's not just hype you see on the silver screen (or big screen) or in novels. Everywhere you go there are excited brides and brides-to-be. Not to mention the the hundreds of faces of acquaintances, friends, family, and yes even strangers who surround those of us who now make regular trips to the bridal shop and hit the bridal section of the magazine racks. And even though I belong to the bridal club I find that I'm not at all excited and I'm not happy. And I question--what's wrong with me???
Tomorrow it will be three months since my fiance proposed and during this whole time I've had to ask myself one question. If I'm this miserable, when I should be the happiest I've ever been, then did I agree to marry the right person? Not such an easy question to answer. Especially when no matter how many times you do answer, it continues to come back up. Despite the flaws in my fiance, I really do love him. There are characteristics in him that I've waited and prayed over the last several years. He has strengths in areas where I'm weak, sees me like few ever do... and in short he just gets me. The only "better" man I could find would be one from the figment of my imagination. And despite the thoughts that bombard my mind, at times, I know that I know that he loves me... maybe more than I love him (if that were possible).
I can cope and handle many things in a relationship made up of imperfect people, but the one thing I can't reconcile with is the one bit of information I shared with my fiance when we got engaged. I am a short engagement girl. He said he was a short engagement man when we first talked about it. Turns out when he canceled our first wedding date he tells me he's now a long engagement man. I think it has mostly to do with the pressure he got from his family who all had LONG engagements, going up to two years (which happened to be his brother, and the person he's constantly comparing our relationship with--which is now seriously making me livid! I'm me, not his family, and we should be planning our relationship off of us not them.) So while my fiance and his family are happy that we're putting things off, I'm the one who's left all alone facing my family who have all had short engagements (even my extended family) and are all wanting to help. On top of their over exuberance I have friends who are just as excited and offering help as well as asking about when the Big Day is.
And that's a subject that brings me to instant tears, no matter how happy I am the moment before. My fiance has canceled the Big Day twice (including the date that he set saying that it was definitely the date). And to make matters worse he tells everyone that we're "discussing" when we'll get married but it's all a lie. He's not talking to me at all about it. And when I bring the subject up he pushes it off saying, "we'll talk about it soon." He's constantly telling me "I'm marrying you soon". Soon, soon, soon, soon. That's all he says is soon. And he doesn't get it that all of his soons really are not soon, but just him pushing the subject off the table and shoving it deep into the closet. For three months he's told me we'd talk finances so we could schedule the wedding. For three months he's pushed it off with a not-today-but-soon.
To make matters worse, I don't even get the luxury of planning for the wedding, my wedding too. He gets all bent out of shape if I make any decisions without including him in them.
And I made the mistake of asking for some advice/support on the wedding planning site I set up when we got engaged. All the happy excited brides on the site told me I'm to blame and that I have to give him room. I wanted to smack them so much! They don't know all the details. Just like all the details are not here. (I do happen to believe in not airing dirty laundry in public. And it's never right to make someone look bad.)
That being said, then why am I writing all of this if I don't want to make my fiance look bad? I need a place to express myself and even chronicle a moment where being engaged is not best moment in a woman's life. There are times when a bride-to-be wants to hand back the ring and tell her fiance, "why don't you ask me to marry you when you're finally ready to marry me." After all I deserve to have a man excited that he gets to marry me. A man who wants to marry me and lives in excitement because he really can't wait to make me his wife. I don't deserve the eternal "soon". No woman does.
