Nearly Time

This is the longest that I've had to wait for a date. And I honestly do not know how I'm doing it. Three weeks ago, I agreed to go to a ball game with someone I've been talking to for a week. And I've got roughly 36 to wait before I can finally be put out of my misery and finally meet him face to face. I usually make it a point not to wait this long before physically meeting someone, because I want to really get to know someone (vs. having to go through some of the crazy thoughts that I've had to go through recently). Those crazy thoughts have mainly been centered around my wondering if he really is who he's come to know though emails. I so don't want to be disappointed. But at the same time I'm anxious to see if his personality really is what he's like in his emails. Because I really like his personality. A month of getting to know him, growing to like him, and now this. ...I weed out on the first date. But I've invested time like I've never done before a first date. Not only that, but I've concluded that I don't want this to be like other first dates. Normally at the beginning I sit back and watch to learn more about my date. Actually he told me that he's disliked meeting women only to find that they are different than who they are in emails. And my observation period is the only difference of who I am no matter what. But my observing comes off as shy and all that implies, which is not me at all. And so I want to be me, the me that my friends see all the time. That's difficult and makes me more nervous than I can even begin to describe. I mean really nervous! So you toss in with that nervous mess, the thoughts of wondering why emails are not consistent. And telling yourself that it's just because he's busy. Because every time he does mention the ball game/date, there is obvious excitement coming from him. I mean I really do know that he can't wait. In fact, Trish has seen my nervousness and questioning--even though I haven't told her that I've been questioning his interest. And there has been a few times where she's comforted me by telling me that he really is interested. And that's something that she doesn't normally do. She's been supportive while I've started dating again. But she's never talked me into or out of anyone. She just listens and doesn't give comments to persuade me in any direction. All except in this instance. She's reassured me like only God knows like I needed. And it's not like I'm suffering from insecurity or anything. I haven't felt this good about myself for quite some time. (Today, I weighed myself. At the beginning of the year I was in the ball park of 280 pounds. Today, I'm down to 227. I don't know if I'll make it down to my high school graduation weight of about 180 by the end of the year. But I'm not worried about it. I'm making progress and that's all that matters to me right now.) I also have a style going on right now that gets the attention of men and women. I'm confident in my beauty and who I am. I am comfortable being me. The only thing I'm not comfortable in is the pre-meeting nervousness. All I want to do is put the face to the personality I've come to know.

I am a stinking genius!

So tonight I finished sending an email, and accidentally dropped my laptop. It fell a foot and a half and what should happen? After calling tech support, because it wouldn't boot up, I'm told it's a damaged hard drive! That's the bad news. Actually there's more bad news. And this is one that I'm most upset about. I had totally revamped 12 chapters in the story that I'm writing, and unless there's a way of extracting that information I have just lost it all! I hadn't saved it to disc. Now the good news because I totally need it right now. The last time I lost work on a story, I rewrote it and it turned out better than before. So this rewrite now better turn out to be brilliant! So that's conditional good news. Here's the honest to goodness good news. I called up tech as soon as I couldn't figure out how to do anything to make my computer work. The best part about being a night owl and something doesn't work, you get service right away! What's better is that I get a new hard drive shipped out to me no charge! Side benefit, I now know where the hard drive is and how to take it out! Yeah me! Then the other good news that I found out is that my laptop is under warranty for another 37 days! So in essence, it is totally a blessing that my drive broke when it did. As I was on the phone with tech support I realized that my journal I was keeping on my laptop, well that's gone. Okay, so I'm not totally broken up about that. Sucks yes, but not broken up about it. But as I started typing that I totally realized that what I did lose that really is heart breaking is my digital photos! I just lost two years worth of photos! Now that I am upset about!!!!!! Because there were a few dang hot ones of myself that I had that I've never had before I took those. Dang it! Please God, let my friends know how to recover information off of a hard drive! Well maybe not all of those photos are completely lost. I did manage to make one back up copy of my files a few months ago. Oh that was a difficult process to figure out how to do that. Which would explain why I don't back it up more recently. But this event could be incentive to go through the torture.

And so while I'm here, I might as well put in a few words of my dating life to update all this. So the man that I started talking to this last week asked me out to a ballgame. Of course I accepted. One, I'd like to meet him face to face and see how it all works out. Two, really can't go wrong with a ball game. In fact, this will be my first ballgame date. It made me smile when he said he'd get the tickets since he did the asking. I couldn't help it. After my last two dates just being coffee dates.... Anyway, so my response was that in that case if we had fun at the game, that I'd try twisting his arm into going to Phantom with me, and those tickets I would get. But it made me laugh when he wrote back saying he'd love to go with me. I honestly meant it the way that I wrote it, that we'd see how the game went, no response necessary at this point. It was just a fair warning type of thing. But before he wrote his response I was looking up ticket information and wondering how I was going to pull it off--picking the right day. So I wasn't too disappointed when he said he wanted to go. Because it definitely gave me the opportunity to ask him when would be a good time, since I could make all the showings but one. As interesting as it has been getting to know this man, I find it quite fascinating that we haven't even gone on the first date (it won't be for three weeks and I'm wondering if my excitement and anticipation will give me a break at all until then) and yet we already have a second date in the works. Honestly that's the first time something like that has happened for me. I'm not too worries about it either. At the end of the game, I'll still ask him if he still wants to go. Either way I'm going to see Phantom and I'll have a date, because there's no way I'm missing it or sitting on a ticket. But I honestly can't wait to see what will happen when we meet. Because either we are going to have a great time or we're not. From our conversations we've been having it is leaning so way over on the great time side. I'm just really going to have to work on not observing at the beginning of the date though. He did make a comment about how a lot of his dates turn out to be something different when he meets them--they get quiet. And that is the only time that I'm quiet is when I'm observing someone. Otherwise quite is generally not the descriptive word used for me.
During this whole experience of online dating, this time around, I have been reading dating articles as well. I figure I've not exactly done a whole lot of dating in the last ten years, it would be nice to be updated on what's going on. Which I'm glad that I have been doing. Because there are a few things that have changed. Coffee dates are the common first date thing, because it gives one the chance of scoping out without being too committed or putting a lot out there for something that doesn't work out. The second thing I learned is that there is more equality expected for financing a date than it use be. Even if the man is old fashioned etiquette still demands the woman to at least make offers to pay. Although this is the funny thing about that rule. Whoever wrote the article said that if the woman offers and the man doesn't at least object, than he's a jerk. But the same goes for the woman, if she doesn't at least offer than she's a jerk. Quite frankly, I still find the whole thing confusing. My perspective, sure I think it's great for the man to pay. I know I sure like being taken care of. But really, you get to go out and do more things together if we're working with two incomes rather than just one. And quite frankly I have no problem making contributions. Especially if it's something I was planning on going out and doing anyway.

Complexities of Dating

Okay so this week has definitely been a very interesting one. Very interesting. I've started talking with a third man. I thought I had two polar opposites before! This one is definitely way different than the other two. I never thought I'd say this, but it's been completely fascinating finding someone of the male persuasion who I have so much in common with. As we exchange more information we find out just how much we are a like in certain things. So far the biggest difference between us is that he's pretty much a die hard football fan. I'll watch a few good games a year.
The second man, I had been talking to, I think I've pretty much decided that even though he would be a safe solid dependable man... I just don't feel that excitement of receiving a message from him like I do with the other two. For example, today he sent a message and I had been hoping it was from the third man. And quite frankly, when you get that disappointment, that is never a good sign. So I think that I'm going to have to break it off in my next response email. I keep telling people that it's best to be up front and honest as quick as possible so there's less chance of someone really getting their feelings hurt. But I'm having a hard time in this case.
The first man... well there's a story this week. We had our first fight, which was over something that was really really stupid. And that fight really revealed something to me. A lot of somethings anyway. One, I took note of how many of my emotions were running and interchanging so quickly. It was like riding a nightmare of a roller coaster and not in the good sense. After spending the last five years in the stability of singlehood, this onslaught of emotions was not pleasant at all. Two, despite all my being careful and taking things easy, I found that I've really started caring for this man. At times he irritates me beyond all else. But then he'll make me laugh. Sometimes it's frightening that I can associate tones of voice with the way he writes on IM. There are even times where I can pick up moods. But it still frustrates me that in essence he acts like a boyfriend but yet he insists on the fact that we're just friends. I try to explain it to myself why it is the way that it is, but it still frustrates me. Nothing was more frustrating than the day after our fight, we got things pretty much straightened out and he makes the comment that we're totally made up. You don't make up with someone unless you are in a serious relationship. With friends, when you fight with them, you get over it and move on. There's no making up. There's not a person alive who will tell a person that they are truly friends with, we're made up. Friends just don't make up. Anyway... since all that we've still been talking everyday, sometimes twice a day. He even called one night.
As much as I have said that I hate online dating because it's like playing the field, I must admit it's probably been a good thing for me. It's built up the desirability factor within me. So now I have cold hard fact to go with what I've always known about myself. I am desirable. I am someone. But this has been good for me too, because I just don't have a readily available circle of single men around me. It has also been interesting to see just how all the ideals that I've thought I wanted plays out in real men. It's no longer theories and fantasies. I can actually see what I really like and what I don't. Besides it's cut me a whole lot of slack with mom. Although I do find it hilarious that she doesn't understand me yet again. She thinks there's something wrong in my relationship with the first man because I've now started to talk regularly with the third man. Truth be told, when she asks I just kind of shrug it off and don't answer her. How do I explain it all? I still prefer the first man, but I'm not sure at all if he will ever act. And I don't want to waste time hoping and wondering. I'm doing all this dating to find someone with whom I can get married to, when the time is right. I just don't know how to encourage the first man to keep moving forward. Everything I've tried, I can't see if it works or not. It is probably for that reason why I've been enjoying the attention that I'm getting else where. I'm not sure what will happen with the third man, where it will go. But at least in our conversations, it has forward movement. And at the same time I really can't compare the two men. The third man I've been talking to for almost a week--so yes there is going to be forward movement. With the first man, we've been talking for about five weeks now. There is a safe and comfortableness that we have in our conversations.
As I told my best friend this week, it was sooo much easier being single. Not that I want to be single or am glamorizing it at all. I could just do without all the emotional stuff going on.