The Good of Teaching

Even though I just finished a post, I needed to write another one, focusing on something good to uplift myself. Besides, what I'm about to write is good news that needs to be separate from what happened today. This past Sunday, after my kids were picked up from class, one of the other teachers pulled me aside and paid me the biggest complement that I've received in a long time!
The other week, while I was playing hookey to catch Phantom of the Opera, James took over my kindergarten class. When James pulled me aside, we had just finished our fourth week/lesson of this new year, with the new kindergarten classes. (James teaches the 9 am class, while I take the 11 am class.) He had filled in for me and had an amazing time with my kids. In fact, he told me that my kids were not only well behaved (which is a challenge for any kindergartner) but were so attentive. They answered all of his questions and he even had to think of harder questions for them! James complimented my teaching, and that he wants to now sit in on my classes, because my kids challenged him! He wants to up his game in teaching his class, all because of what he saw in my class! Oh it took everything in my to smile and accept the praise, because all I wanted to do was cry with the mixture of my emotions. I mean that is high praise to hear that from another teacher--that you are doing such a good job that they want to study you and model their own teaching after you. And at the same time I wanted to cry with relief because I was struggling to make a connection with my class that I have. I always end on such a high note with my classes at the end of each year. But this year, for some reason was hard to start brand new from scratch. My kids are great. In face one of the boys called me over during craft this last week to tell me that he loved me. Then there are a few who are just hard to reach. My connection isn't as easy this year as it has been in the past. And so I've been thinking that my kids weren't getting anything from me. Then to hear from James that they are indeed learning.... Honestly, all I want to do is gather my class together and give them all the biggest group hug ever! In fact, I'm probably loving this group more than the previous ones. And that's hard to say because I always love my kids. That's never an option (you never know who needs it or when they need it).
Maybe the real reason why I wanted to cry was because I've been struggling with the guilt of not giving my class as much of my everything that I usually put in. I've been torn in so many directions with my thoughts and attention. One, there's a man that I really like. And every female knows that once you start to like someone, you're thoughts tend to drift in their direction. Two, the whole wrist thing; work, pain, trying to get better, feeling exhausted because your body knows that there's something wrong, etc. Three, learning new computer programs to get a better job (in a different direction). Four, wanting to write and all that is involved in writing. Five, just wanting to veg out to give your brain a break for everything (and yes, I do suppose I think too much). Six, picking up a role in a musical. Honestly, to the casual observer, it would be easy for someone to say that I don't do a thing. But even this short list right now blows my own mind at just how much I'm doing. And there are things that I know I have not listed here. Then there is the list of things that I know I need to do but just haven't gotten around to doing. But none of this is really any different than before I got injured. I just feel like I'm out of balance, like learning how to juggle in a new stance--in this instance it would probably be on my head! It's frustrating learning a new stance. And of course it would seem like I don't have enough time for things. I just feel bad, because I want to give more time for my class. They are the only children that I have right now, other than my niece and nephews. I just want to give them more. But I feel so drained. I want to give my class more, because I know the impact that I can have. I never know the full impact that I get the privilege of having in their lives. But I do know that I do get to be impactfull. And they are so young. And they have so much potential. The way that I get to change the world on a regular basis is by showing those kids that they can impact the world right now themselves. They don't have to be adults to change the world. The world is theirs, right now! And I know that because I looked for ways to impact the world when I was younger. There is a way. And I have every intention of letting those kids know that they can change the world. They have the power to do great things right now! And I so want them to know that and do those great things!!! They are not just "children", they are so much more! Maybe I'm under the delusion that the more that I put into them the more they will pour out. But it's not a delusion. It's a principle truth. The water you pour into a glass, the more water pours out of the cup. I just want to give them more.

Learning to float on the waves of life

So today I had another doctor's appointment for my wrist. Just when I think I'm ready to start getting my life back on track for being normal, guess what? Yep. Not a chance! Ever since I started to spend time learning Excel in order to get a job as an administrative assistant, I started to have wrist pains constantly again. Definitely not a feeling that I like at all. Then everything went over the edge when I helped a best friend move. Her and her husband were great (as well as their mothers), refusing to let me over exert myself. (The funny thing is that I really would have. I guess you guys know me quite well! ;) I love having people look out for me and stop me from doing something that is stupid and will hurt me in the end. But at the same time I'm still frustrated in breaking my tendency to push the limits. Oh I love you guys! And yet, I still hide so much within myself. I hate having to admit that I can't do something. My brain has been trained and even brainwashed to think that it's a weakness, to not be able to do something. I guess it's because after all this time, I still believe that I have to prove something. But who am I proving it to? Only myself. To those that it truly matters, I don't have to prove anything to them. They know me. And I want to ask why do I have to prove things to myself, but I already know the answer. I know I am always proving to myself that I'm not a helpless female. And I know if those who know me well were to read this, they would bust up in laughter, because they know I'm a far cry from being a helpless female. A far cry! I am anything but. So why am I so preoccupied with not being weak? This I do not know. Hey I would enjoy anyone's feedback on that one. All I know is that my whole life has been turned upside down since near the beginning of this year, since I hurt my wrist. I've had to change. There's been no questions or skirting the issue about that. And what I have not told a living person is that the change has scared me! It scares me to have to admit that I can't take care of everything myself. It scares me that I have to have other people to help look after me. Flat out, it scares me that I have to be looked after! I should be touched that there are people in my life who want to look after me and who do. I am blessed in that respect. But it doesn't change the fact that this is new territory for me and it scares me.
So for a few weeks now I've had the suspicion that there's something more wrong with my wrist. I got the inkling when in physical therapy I've plateaued and have not been able to progress past the two pound weight in strength training. Then for the last week and a half I've been having pain in the center of my wrist, a different location from before the surgery and even the recovery of the area operated on. Today, my doctor looked at my wrist and saw that there was something wrong, when he was manipulating my joint. I was having pain that when he tweaked it in certain areas, I would nearly try to slide out of the chair and go to the floor. Not a good sign at all. And yet the x-rays were showing nothing, not even the ones that were taken today. And he had checked my cartilage in the surgery and didn't see any damage. So he was at a complete loss as to what was going on. The only option I had was to pray (while waiting for the x-rays) that whatever is wrong will show up somehow an that the doctor gets ideas on what to look for and how to look for them. I really do love that prayer works. By the end of the appointment, my doctor started to have ideas on what to do just pop into his head. So instead of being clueless, there was a plan starting to form in his mind. And I know that only came from prayer!
Now all that I know is that sometime in the next two weeks I will have a bone scan and another appointment with my doctor. If that doesn't show anything (but I hope that it does), the next idea the doctor had will be going in to have another MRI taken. So now begins the session(s) of test(s) again. I have a feeling that I will probably go in for another surgery. And this time, I am okay with that. I am not afraid of that option this time. (I think it helps that the last surgery went well and there was a marked improvement.) Now I'm dealing with my life being turned upside down one more time. (Or does this make it turned right side up? :) I wish I could make myself laugh right now. I don't like uncertainty. And now that I have things happening in my life again, I don't want to lose any of it. There was one man who I talked to briefly on line that once he found out that I was off work because of my surgery, he turned nasty on me--making comments that pretty much sounded like he was calling me lazy among other things. And anyone who knows me knows that the farthest from the truth. But I don't like people thinking things like that about me. And I don't want anyone else to think that about me (it hurts). Today I also had to send off an email to the director of the musical that I just got casted into, letting them know what I found out. And of course out of the good of the play, I had to say that I'm aware of the fact that for the good of the musical I will stand by the decision if they so decide to take me out and recast the role. I really don't want that to happen. But depending on what goes on, it might interfere with the rehearsals and it was made clear that there is a cost to be in the production. I already knew that and know it in my head and heart. But it doesn't stop me from still wanting to be in it. Then I also had to send off an email to the Director of the children's ministry at church. We're just a few weeks into a new year, and I have new kindergartners. I don't want to be out and away from them. I love those kids! But there's that possibility. It just hurts that once I get some normalcy back in my life, I have to let it all go again. I hate letting go of things in life. I want to keep normalcy tight and close to me. A normal life is good. But even I know you can't cling to life when stuff happens. There are times where you have to let go and float on the waves as they come. After all it's easier to float with the waves than to struggle against them and choke on the waves that are stronger than you.

Oh To Trust....

The one thing that has always frustrated me is the fact that I feel something before I understand why it is that I feel it. A simple example... the story I have been working off and on for the last few years, I've hated. I never knew why until my hard drive crashed and I lost the revisions I had made. Then with the new hard drive and having to literally recreate from what seemed like skeletons, I finally found love in my craft. I finally saw where it was meant to go. I don't have all the answers for it (even now) but I see the life behind it. And now I'm in love with the story again. An example of pure relief... on meeting a man for the first time, I can pretty much tell right away if there's potential. Most times than not there's no potential. I save myself some time and heartache. Oh I've still had a bit of both. But I've could have had a whole lot more. (Thank you that never happened!) Now I've spent most of my life working on not being bound by fear. I've never liked being immobilized by fear. It's an awful feeling that always harms someone more than help them. So I've been talking with a pretty amazing man for nearly two months now. I was totally excited from the first moment. He has the best personality I have ever seen in a man. So of course I was elated when he suggested our first date. Which was quickly followed by a deflation when I learned I had to wait three weeks to finally meet him in person. Patience has always been something I've had to work on my whole life (but more on this later). I was frustrated and didn't understand at the time. But today I can say with my whole heart that I'm glad our first date took so long in coming. If for no other reason than this number one reason (although there are a few others), there has been changes that was brought into my life because of this man. At the beginning of these changes I will hands down tell you that I don't like the changes. But they grown on me as I get use to them--because these changes have been systematically breaking down the defenses that I put up in my life (for good or bad) to protect myself. Yea for being a strong willed Ms. Personality. The last two weeks I was going crazy, straight out of my mind, and I didn't understand why I was feeling like this. Today, actually about an hour ago, it finally hit me what it was that I was really feeling. I was very young when I learned that I couldn't trust people. In fact I had to learn to take care of myself and protect myself, because more times than not, there was not a person to take care of me like I knew and even felt like I needed to be taken care of. I was not aware of how bad that got until about five years ago when I first started up in Master's Commission. Those are two years of my life that I would NEVER trade for a thing in this life. From day one I had to learn how to start trusting people again. One can not be in Master's and last long without trusting (well I guess you can, but you'd be miserable in the process). In those two years there was stuff that went on where trust was broken and even situations that were out of my control. But there were people who knew me and cared. They gave me the space that I needed, but at the same time kept a watchful eye on me. They were there whenever I asked them to be, and in those times they never let me down. For those, my dear friends, I learned how to give people a moderate level of trust from the beginning. I learned how to open myself up to others again, instead of standing behind a fortress not trusting a single soul. And all that was leading up to this moment, for this man. This is the first man, no the first person that I have willingly allowed myself to blindly trust, like a child, like I haven't trusted since I was a little girl. And it scares me to no end! This is a level of trust that usually takes people years to obtain by proving themselves. And I haven't given this trust willy nilly, which makes this even scarier for me. It's a calculated trust. Right now I can assure you that this level of trust will either bring the most amazing thing into my life, or it will be the largest crash and burn in recorded history (at least my history)! I was not able to describe why I felt so nervous and scared all while at the same time so excited and hopeful. And now I know. While I am hopeful and have my faith firmly placed in that I am doing the right thing and that I'm on my way to something amazing, I have to walk this faith knowing full well what the price is. I live every day knowing that I have crossed the line and handed someone the power to hurt me if he ever chose to do so. I pray he never does. In fact, each day I pray that he's deserving of this power. He has something that no other man or woman has ever had before.

The Pressures Of Being Vicariously Lived Through

As much as I have enjoyed the attention of others living vicariously through my "love life", the last several days have caused me no uncertain amount of stress. (I use "love life" becuase that's what the girls at my physical therapist's office call it, despite the fact that it's just my dating life.) It's stressful enough to meet new people and take the chance of going on a date with them. Some don't work, but thank goodness that others do. And if it were not enough to live non-stop with my own "woman thinking" (you know, everything leading up to and sometimes including over rationalizing) there's the additional outside information to process by the causual observers of my life. It's not that I dislike the observers (everyone who knows me knows that I'd tell people to butt out if I didn't want them to know), but I'm beginning to think that there really is such a thing as too much information. And usually this information comes from family. Now that they know I'm putting myself out there, they have a billion questions. This is particularly true with my family seeing how by now they've heard, what is it, six different names of men. Of course they are curious as to why there are so many men, if there's something wrong with so-and-so which causes me to keep looking, and I'm sure you get the drift. It probably all boils down to two facts. They are playing catch up to learn the definition of what it means to date online--which I'm just now beginning to understand myself. And I have never been the play the field type. I struggle enough on my own with this new experience of playing the field, because that's online dating. The last thing I need is my mother to give me crap about it. Although on this subject, my youngest sister has been the most supportive. She kind of thinks it's cool that I've been in the get-to-know-you stage with three men at once. Before she got married, she was in that same place once, but with only two men. I'm glad she thinks it's cool, because I don't. Particularly when the men involved are great guys. I don't want to hurt them and at the same time I want to give them their fair chance. And let's face it, regardless of all good intentions, I still compare them. Yeah, you hit it off with them, but what is it that I'm really looking for? And despite the fact that women start thinking about marriage once puberty hits, and who the perfect man would be, those ideals sometimes don't work in real life. And then there's no such thing as a perfect man. But on the plus side, these men have actually shown me what would be best for me. Getting to know them, in all their uniqueness, I've actually noticed a few thing that I would never have thought about or seen otherwise. In fact, there's one man who has shown me that one ideal I held on to (despite everyone saying that it was impossible) really can happen. In fact, this man has become the mark that all other men are being compared to, right now. And it's not because he's perfect. His personality just blows my mind away.


Well that being said, it's with this man in particular that all my vicarious observers have nearly sent me into a mental melt down. From my standpoint with this man, I'm still nervous about a lot of thing. The relationship is still very new, despite the fact that we've been talking for over a month now. (Laugh if you want at the phrasing at that sentence, but I've cut relationships off after a couple of days. So this man has made the cuts and lasted longer than most--which is the whole context of what I'm refering to in that sentence.) One friend is completely giddy for me. Another friend has told me I'm funny. And one of the ladies from the physical therapist's office said that she has chills over him. Okay my brain is full enough with just me. You toss these reactions in as well and it's no wonder my brain is melting! All I want to ask is, "What the heck is it that you all see?" What am I missing? I mean it's a horrible feeling when you are left out of the loop in your own "love life". Did I mention that these are all married women??? Darn it, at least let me buy the vowel!

Regardless of my preference for this man, there is another one that I have been recently talking with who is interesting. I don't like him like I do the first, but I enjoy his conversations. And that added to my stress because I at times feel like I don't know what I want. And today I realized that this was causing me to worry. And while struggling through those feelings, I found the the one thing that brought me peace. Things work out in the end. It can't get much simpler than that. My faith right now is finding someone to share my life with. And the thing about faith is that the only thing you can do is act upon it. This is especially true when other people are involved. We all have free will, and there is not a force around that will change that. My free will will not be taken away. Neither will anyone else's free will. So I must move my feet and do. Regardless, something will happen. Something always happen when we move our feet and do. If we stand in one place and do nothing, than nothing will happen.