Oh To Trust....

The one thing that has always frustrated me is the fact that I feel something before I understand why it is that I feel it. A simple example... the story I have been working off and on for the last few years, I've hated. I never knew why until my hard drive crashed and I lost the revisions I had made. Then with the new hard drive and having to literally recreate from what seemed like skeletons, I finally found love in my craft. I finally saw where it was meant to go. I don't have all the answers for it (even now) but I see the life behind it. And now I'm in love with the story again. An example of pure relief... on meeting a man for the first time, I can pretty much tell right away if there's potential. Most times than not there's no potential. I save myself some time and heartache. Oh I've still had a bit of both. But I've could have had a whole lot more. (Thank you that never happened!) Now I've spent most of my life working on not being bound by fear. I've never liked being immobilized by fear. It's an awful feeling that always harms someone more than help them. So I've been talking with a pretty amazing man for nearly two months now. I was totally excited from the first moment. He has the best personality I have ever seen in a man. So of course I was elated when he suggested our first date. Which was quickly followed by a deflation when I learned I had to wait three weeks to finally meet him in person. Patience has always been something I've had to work on my whole life (but more on this later). I was frustrated and didn't understand at the time. But today I can say with my whole heart that I'm glad our first date took so long in coming. If for no other reason than this number one reason (although there are a few others), there has been changes that was brought into my life because of this man. At the beginning of these changes I will hands down tell you that I don't like the changes. But they grown on me as I get use to them--because these changes have been systematically breaking down the defenses that I put up in my life (for good or bad) to protect myself. Yea for being a strong willed Ms. Personality. The last two weeks I was going crazy, straight out of my mind, and I didn't understand why I was feeling like this. Today, actually about an hour ago, it finally hit me what it was that I was really feeling. I was very young when I learned that I couldn't trust people. In fact I had to learn to take care of myself and protect myself, because more times than not, there was not a person to take care of me like I knew and even felt like I needed to be taken care of. I was not aware of how bad that got until about five years ago when I first started up in Master's Commission. Those are two years of my life that I would NEVER trade for a thing in this life. From day one I had to learn how to start trusting people again. One can not be in Master's and last long without trusting (well I guess you can, but you'd be miserable in the process). In those two years there was stuff that went on where trust was broken and even situations that were out of my control. But there were people who knew me and cared. They gave me the space that I needed, but at the same time kept a watchful eye on me. They were there whenever I asked them to be, and in those times they never let me down. For those, my dear friends, I learned how to give people a moderate level of trust from the beginning. I learned how to open myself up to others again, instead of standing behind a fortress not trusting a single soul. And all that was leading up to this moment, for this man. This is the first man, no the first person that I have willingly allowed myself to blindly trust, like a child, like I haven't trusted since I was a little girl. And it scares me to no end! This is a level of trust that usually takes people years to obtain by proving themselves. And I haven't given this trust willy nilly, which makes this even scarier for me. It's a calculated trust. Right now I can assure you that this level of trust will either bring the most amazing thing into my life, or it will be the largest crash and burn in recorded history (at least my history)! I was not able to describe why I felt so nervous and scared all while at the same time so excited and hopeful. And now I know. While I am hopeful and have my faith firmly placed in that I am doing the right thing and that I'm on my way to something amazing, I have to walk this faith knowing full well what the price is. I live every day knowing that I have crossed the line and handed someone the power to hurt me if he ever chose to do so. I pray he never does. In fact, each day I pray that he's deserving of this power. He has something that no other man or woman has ever had before.