So today I had another doctor's appointment for my wrist. Just when I think I'm ready to start getting my life back on track for being normal, guess what? Yep. Not a chance! Ever since I started to spend time learning Excel in order to get a job as an administrative assistant, I started to have wrist pains constantly again. Definitely not a feeling that I like at all. Then everything went over the edge when I helped a best friend move. Her and her husband were great (as well as their mothers), refusing to let me over exert myself. (The funny thing is that I really would have. I guess you guys know me quite well! ;) I love having people look out for me and stop me from doing something that is stupid and will hurt me in the end. But at the same time I'm still frustrated in breaking my tendency to push the limits. Oh I love you guys! And yet, I still hide so much within myself. I hate having to admit that I can't do something. My brain has been trained and even brainwashed to think that it's a weakness, to not be able to do something. I guess it's because after all this time, I still believe that I have to prove something. But who am I proving it to? Only myself. To those that it truly matters, I don't have to prove anything to them. They know me. And I want to ask why do I have to prove things to myself, but I already know the answer. I know I am always proving to myself that I'm not a helpless female. And I know if those who know me well were to read this, they would bust up in laughter, because they know I'm a far cry from being a helpless female. A far cry! I am anything but. So why am I so preoccupied with not being weak? This I do not know. Hey I would enjoy anyone's feedback on that one. All I know is that my whole life has been turned upside down since near the beginning of this year, since I hurt my wrist. I've had to change. There's been no questions or skirting the issue about that. And what I have not told a living person is that the change has scared me! It scares me to have to admit that I can't take care of everything myself. It scares me that I have to have other people to help look after me. Flat out, it scares me that I have to be looked after! I should be touched that there are people in my life who want to look after me and who do. I am blessed in that respect. But it doesn't change the fact that this is new territory for me and it scares me.
So for a few weeks now I've had the suspicion that there's something more wrong with my wrist. I got the inkling when in physical therapy I've plateaued and have not been able to progress past the two pound weight in strength training. Then for the last week and a half I've been having pain in the center of my wrist, a different location from before the surgery and even the recovery of the area operated on. Today, my doctor looked at my wrist and saw that there was something wrong, when he was manipulating my joint. I was having pain that when he tweaked it in certain areas, I would nearly try to slide out of the chair and go to the floor. Not a good sign at all. And yet the x-rays were showing nothing, not even the ones that were taken today. And he had checked my cartilage in the surgery and didn't see any damage. So he was at a complete loss as to what was going on. The only option I had was to pray (while waiting for the x-rays) that whatever is wrong will show up somehow an that the doctor gets ideas on what to look for and how to look for them. I really do love that prayer works. By the end of the appointment, my doctor started to have ideas on what to do just pop into his head. So instead of being clueless, there was a plan starting to form in his mind. And I know that only came from prayer!
Now all that I know is that sometime in the next two weeks I will have a bone scan and another appointment with my doctor. If that doesn't show anything (but I hope that it does), the next idea the doctor had will be going in to have another MRI taken. So now begins the session(s) of test(s) again. I have a feeling that I will probably go in for another surgery. And this time, I am okay with that. I am not afraid of that option this time. (I think it helps that the last surgery went well and there was a marked improvement.) Now I'm dealing with my life being turned upside down one more time. (Or does this make it turned right side up? :) I wish I could make myself laugh right now. I don't like uncertainty. And now that I have things happening in my life again, I don't want to lose any of it. There was one man who I talked to briefly on line that once he found out that I was off work because of my surgery, he turned nasty on me--making comments that pretty much sounded like he was calling me lazy among other things. And anyone who knows me knows that the farthest from the truth. But I don't like people thinking things like that about me. And I don't want anyone else to think that about me (it hurts). Today I also had to send off an email to the director of the musical that I just got casted into, letting them know what I found out. And of course out of the good of the play, I had to say that I'm aware of the fact that for the good of the musical I will stand by the decision if they so decide to take me out and recast the role. I really don't want that to happen. But depending on what goes on, it might interfere with the rehearsals and it was made clear that there is a cost to be in the production. I already knew that and know it in my head and heart. But it doesn't stop me from still wanting to be in it. Then I also had to send off an email to the Director of the children's ministry at church. We're just a few weeks into a new year, and I have new kindergartners. I don't want to be out and away from them. I love those kids! But there's that possibility. It just hurts that once I get some normalcy back in my life, I have to let it all go again. I hate letting go of things in life. I want to keep normalcy tight and close to me. A normal life is good. But even I know you can't cling to life when stuff happens. There are times where you have to let go and float on the waves as they come. After all it's easier to float with the waves than to struggle against them and choke on the waves that are stronger than you.
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