Wow! It's been nearly a month since I've last written. How time flies!
I'm halfway through a run for the Musical "Joy to the Children". It's only been after the first few performances that I really began to enjoy the role that I was given. It's been a long haul. At first I was given the role of Mrs. Stone, which I really wanted and gave me the second most stage time for women's roles. But early on, I thought it would be a good thing to let the director in on my medical thoughts (about my wrist), which I wrote about already. I didn't know how much it would bother me that I got pulled from that role and got re-casted as Mother Abigail (a German Mother Superior). I actually cried quite a bit when no one was looking. But I didn't keep my thoughts to myself. Those in the cast who I did talk to about how I was feeling were really supportive, letting me know that they thought I did the right thing too, even though when it all came down to it nothing has indeed interfered with my ability to be in the play. But it still killed my heart when I saw the costume that would have been mine. It was everything in a dress that I have always wanted to to wear. So of course I was disappointed. And disappointment does not go well in the attempt of preventing a bad attitude. It's a huge compliment that my director has every confidence in my ability. She did not give me my lines until the dress rehearsal before we opened our doors to our first audience (our invited dress rehearsal). That night I had no costume, when at the time I was slotted to have three. In fact that night I had to go to the seamstress and toss together a costume our of odds and ends that we had in our collection. (On the bright side, there have been a number of people who have commented that it is one of their favorite costumes in the production.) If that were not enough, I was also supposed to be fitted with a microphone for the rehearsal. The sound men didn't have one for me and were unaware that I needed one, because my lines were not written in the original script. I honestly don't know why I have to go through these cycles of feeling like I'm overlooked (and those of you who know me know how much of a lark that is since there really is no way that I can every physically or personality wise ever be overlooked). And I know that I am not generally a person that people describe as having a bad attitude, but I had one that night. I thought it was fitting that I was a nun, because my attitude was fitting for spending some time in purgatory for. (That thought was the only one that could bring me to laugh, let alone smile.) But I worked hard on my thoughts and attitude. My thoughts effect me. But my attitude effect others. Our official opening night, I got over myself for the most part. But for the first time I got praised, in a long time, for my theatrical talent. My director took time out of running around and seeing to a billion different things to tell me that she loves how the character has formed and really appreciated me and my ability to fill the awkward dead space of on stage transitions. So it turns out that the one thing that set off my attitude struggle (having to wait for the last minute to get everything that needed for my role--costume, lines) was the one thing that is my niche in the company. I do have an ability to pull off improve and think quickly on my feet. It drives me crazy in cases like this when we are trying to pull off 5th Ave. caliber production quality. But my director sees it in me and has never worried about me in the two productions I've been with her. Rather she puts more confidence in me. So in this area, I can think of no other compliment that rates higher than that.
Yesterday I had a PCE test for my wrist, compliments of L&I. I had to go through the examination for L&I and my vocational councilor to see how much I am able to work. I am not quite sure why this testing, because the results were nothing new compared to what I've been telling them. My results are that the only thing that I'm fit for right now is sedentary work (translation, there's next to nothing I can do). I had to refrain from being sarcastic and saying, "Ya think?" I'm not fit for light duty, let alone for my normal work which I found out is classified as Moderate (meaning having to lift up to 50 pounds). But on the bright side, there is the recorded tests that prove what I have been saying all this time.
Now I just need my other tests to sh0w what the heck is wrong with me. Last week was my appointment to go over the results of my MRI. It showed nothing, yet again. My doctor can only come up with sprain as a diagnosis, although he put it to me that I can seek a second opinion, because someone else might see something else. There was a little something on the MRI, but my doctor is calling it scar tissue. It very well could be. I'm not arguing that. I just want to know what is wrong. With this kind of pain, there has to be something wrong. There has to be an explanation, because this kind of pain does not happen just to happen. I want to know what is wrong.
I guess it's not so much the fact of still being in pain. What I'm struggling with the most, the
#1 reason behind my growing madness in this whole area is the fact that I can't do the things that I like doing, that are things that help define who I am. I'm struggling the most in not being able to create (which happens in many different forms). I hate the sedentary life!!!! I want to do. I want to make. I want to be the normal me.
Well, that's the step I'm in the middle of right now, going through all the hoops to get into the office of another doctor to get a second opinion.
Last night was my scheduled event with EY of coffee and dinner with the discussion of Ken Gaub's book, Re-arranging Your Mental Furniture. Fitting, I know. Anyway, there was only one person who showed up, an older woman. She was interesting. I'm not certain I understand how a person can be a professional councilor and yet be a cynic. It boggles my mind. Her biggest complaint is that with everyone in EY, no one shows up for anything. In fact that is starting to turn into the pattern with every other member that I talk with. In fact there was one man who had two weeks ago left a message on my phone about his memories of when 200 people would show up for an event, and now nothing. He didn't have an answer or any ideas to get the turn outs, yet he wanted to talk with me about it. I could be really off my rocker, but the way that he phrased his message and tone of voice, it sounded like he was trying to make me the saviour of the EY dating scene/events. It has to be my imagination, because that's not who I am. I just want to meet people. I want to do things. But since there's not many movers and shakers, there's not much going on. And being a go-getter, I make plans. But I don't want things to keep in the pattern that I'm seeing. I want to be around large groups of people. So of course I'm going to be thinking of ways to draw a larger crowd. But really what I am most curious about is what it will take to get people to get off their butts and go to events.
I do have an idea that I got today. But I have to develop it more. I'm thinking what could be a big hit is to have a cooking competition with prizes. What I know is that I will need to go into the office and have a talk about this. There's no way that this will be small scale. At least not with the ideas that I have running in my head.
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