I've had a rush of emotions during this last week. And it's for that reason that I most hate being injured. When I am in pain I tend to have less control over my emotions--and I hate to even admit that.
My only male cashier has been my trial this week. It became necessary to address the issue of his wandering through the cafe while he was on the clock, and talking with other employees (thus leaving the espresso stand unmanned). What should happen when I begin the discussion but he literally flies off the handle and starts yelling at me. For a full ten minutes I had to keep my cool and put down my desires to cuss him out. I so wanted to lose my temper because he was not listening to a word that I was saying. I finally gave up and asked him, "I want to see if I understand what you are saying. Even though I am trying to help you to keep from getting into a habit that will later on get you in trouble, you are arguing and getting angry with me?" As soon as I said that, his face went blank and he shook as if he was coming out of a trance. Then he proceeds to say that is not what he meant at all. Afterwards he went through a complete personality change that vexed me even more than his arguing with me. He followed me around the floor apologizing and trying to do things for me. All I wanted him to do was his job and keep focused. Then the next day his personality changed again and he insisted on going over my head after getting explanations and directions from me. What angered me the most was the fact that he went running up to the district manager when he arrived at the cafe! He not only went over my head, but also the manager's head! After that he tried to call in a repair order for the espresso machine, which is not even my job, but the manager's job. It has been such a long time since I ever wanted to drop kick anyone, but this employee really did deserve it.
This last Thursday was my follow up doctor's appointment, to go over the MRI results. The news was not exactly what I wanted to hear. Nothing showed up on the MRI's, thus making the test inconclusive. This frustrates me to no end, because now it feels like if there is anything relating to my health that goes wrong, it is not easy, cut black and white problem. It brings back memories of when I had cat scratch fever, stayed in the hospital for a week, and got sent home because for a full week the medical staff could not find out what was wrong with me. Not until after I had been home from the hospital for a few days did they find out what had made me ill. I love having good health. But I hate when things go wrong that are not easily diagnosed. Regardless of my dislikes and yes, even small fears (nothing is worse than thinking your doctor will tell you that nothing is wrong, even when you know that something is wrong, because you are in soo much pain). Unfounded fear, but it was fear none the less. My doctor filled out the paperwork that very day (I was one of the last appointments of the day) and he sent it off to L&I to get approval for an arthroscopic surgery. The blessing in all this was that by about 10am the next day I got a call from the doctors office that the surgery got approved and that we could make the appointment to take care of my wrist. That just does not happen with the state. Approvals take seven to ten days at the earliest. This approval took only a few short hours. That is completely the work of God! The greater blessing was that I was able to make my appointment for the surgery for a week and a half away. Even with these blessings though, it still leaves my head spinning. I've been in pain for nearly two months and in what is practically feels like days away. I've been waiting for healing to come. And now it's only days away. I can't wait.
But at the same time there's issues that are connected at work. for the last week and a half I've been listening to people telling me that I am not doing my job, because of my injury. Even though I'm protected by the state because it was an on the job injury, it does not stop these employers from playing mental games. It's not right on so many levels. They brought me to this new cafe knowing I was injured, and now they want to complain because of the injury. I really don't mind taking time off from all of this stupid corporate politics. But at the same time I wonder just how much of everything I will lose by being gone. Because I am in the building, I get to have my say in things and my touch in how things run. But when I am gone, I lose all of that and someone else's opinions and touch will change everything, because they are them and I am me.
But this is just the thing. Part of my mind is running on the above thoughts, while the other part of my mind is literally counting the cost of leaving the company. What it would take. And it's an odd thought for me, because this job was the one that I was striving for over a year and a half ago. This job was the next step to get my experience to open the way for me to start my dreams of running my own coffee shop and eventually opening my own high end restaurant. Now I am seriously considering leaving this job. I have to admit that I have not learned everything that I wanted to learn when I started with this job. But at the same time I find myself in that same rat race where I am totally being given the run around. I left working for UPS, to join masters, but also because men were being promoted around me who I felt were less qualified than myself. But I once again find myself in that same situation again. I have customers all around me who have wanted me as manager over the ones that I worked for. I know that I can do the job. I have it in me. But instead I keep watching manager brought in from outside of the company who have to be trained from ground zero. They know nothing about the company or policies. They don't know the operation that we provide for Microsoft. I have already trained two managers. I don't get or understand why this company does what it does. But the longer that I stay with the company, the more that I find that I like less and less. I learn more about how not to do things than how to do things. In fact, I was talking with a Sous Chef that we have at my cafe and we were talking about this subject. (She was working to get promoted to Executive Chef.) We both came to the conclusion that we are uncertain if we would accept a promotion unless there was a VERY good package offer that we are given. We've seen enough to know how the company works and we know what the job pay should be. And yet I still wonder, would even that be enough? Rather, I've been trying to wrap my brain around ways to really get my Mary Kay business really off the ground so that I can quit this job without a loss of any kind.
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