Nearly Time

This is the longest that I've had to wait for a date. And I honestly do not know how I'm doing it. Three weeks ago, I agreed to go to a ball game with someone I've been talking to for a week. And I've got roughly 36 to wait before I can finally be put out of my misery and finally meet him face to face. I usually make it a point not to wait this long before physically meeting someone, because I want to really get to know someone (vs. having to go through some of the crazy thoughts that I've had to go through recently). Those crazy thoughts have mainly been centered around my wondering if he really is who he's come to know though emails. I so don't want to be disappointed. But at the same time I'm anxious to see if his personality really is what he's like in his emails. Because I really like his personality. A month of getting to know him, growing to like him, and now this. ...I weed out on the first date. But I've invested time like I've never done before a first date. Not only that, but I've concluded that I don't want this to be like other first dates. Normally at the beginning I sit back and watch to learn more about my date. Actually he told me that he's disliked meeting women only to find that they are different than who they are in emails. And my observation period is the only difference of who I am no matter what. But my observing comes off as shy and all that implies, which is not me at all. And so I want to be me, the me that my friends see all the time. That's difficult and makes me more nervous than I can even begin to describe. I mean really nervous! So you toss in with that nervous mess, the thoughts of wondering why emails are not consistent. And telling yourself that it's just because he's busy. Because every time he does mention the ball game/date, there is obvious excitement coming from him. I mean I really do know that he can't wait. In fact, Trish has seen my nervousness and questioning--even though I haven't told her that I've been questioning his interest. And there has been a few times where she's comforted me by telling me that he really is interested. And that's something that she doesn't normally do. She's been supportive while I've started dating again. But she's never talked me into or out of anyone. She just listens and doesn't give comments to persuade me in any direction. All except in this instance. She's reassured me like only God knows like I needed. And it's not like I'm suffering from insecurity or anything. I haven't felt this good about myself for quite some time. (Today, I weighed myself. At the beginning of the year I was in the ball park of 280 pounds. Today, I'm down to 227. I don't know if I'll make it down to my high school graduation weight of about 180 by the end of the year. But I'm not worried about it. I'm making progress and that's all that matters to me right now.) I also have a style going on right now that gets the attention of men and women. I'm confident in my beauty and who I am. I am comfortable being me. The only thing I'm not comfortable in is the pre-meeting nervousness. All I want to do is put the face to the personality I've come to know.

I am a stinking genius!

So tonight I finished sending an email, and accidentally dropped my laptop. It fell a foot and a half and what should happen? After calling tech support, because it wouldn't boot up, I'm told it's a damaged hard drive! That's the bad news. Actually there's more bad news. And this is one that I'm most upset about. I had totally revamped 12 chapters in the story that I'm writing, and unless there's a way of extracting that information I have just lost it all! I hadn't saved it to disc. Now the good news because I totally need it right now. The last time I lost work on a story, I rewrote it and it turned out better than before. So this rewrite now better turn out to be brilliant! So that's conditional good news. Here's the honest to goodness good news. I called up tech as soon as I couldn't figure out how to do anything to make my computer work. The best part about being a night owl and something doesn't work, you get service right away! What's better is that I get a new hard drive shipped out to me no charge! Side benefit, I now know where the hard drive is and how to take it out! Yeah me! Then the other good news that I found out is that my laptop is under warranty for another 37 days! So in essence, it is totally a blessing that my drive broke when it did. As I was on the phone with tech support I realized that my journal I was keeping on my laptop, well that's gone. Okay, so I'm not totally broken up about that. Sucks yes, but not broken up about it. But as I started typing that I totally realized that what I did lose that really is heart breaking is my digital photos! I just lost two years worth of photos! Now that I am upset about!!!!!! Because there were a few dang hot ones of myself that I had that I've never had before I took those. Dang it! Please God, let my friends know how to recover information off of a hard drive! Well maybe not all of those photos are completely lost. I did manage to make one back up copy of my files a few months ago. Oh that was a difficult process to figure out how to do that. Which would explain why I don't back it up more recently. But this event could be incentive to go through the torture.

And so while I'm here, I might as well put in a few words of my dating life to update all this. So the man that I started talking to this last week asked me out to a ballgame. Of course I accepted. One, I'd like to meet him face to face and see how it all works out. Two, really can't go wrong with a ball game. In fact, this will be my first ballgame date. It made me smile when he said he'd get the tickets since he did the asking. I couldn't help it. After my last two dates just being coffee dates.... Anyway, so my response was that in that case if we had fun at the game, that I'd try twisting his arm into going to Phantom with me, and those tickets I would get. But it made me laugh when he wrote back saying he'd love to go with me. I honestly meant it the way that I wrote it, that we'd see how the game went, no response necessary at this point. It was just a fair warning type of thing. But before he wrote his response I was looking up ticket information and wondering how I was going to pull it off--picking the right day. So I wasn't too disappointed when he said he wanted to go. Because it definitely gave me the opportunity to ask him when would be a good time, since I could make all the showings but one. As interesting as it has been getting to know this man, I find it quite fascinating that we haven't even gone on the first date (it won't be for three weeks and I'm wondering if my excitement and anticipation will give me a break at all until then) and yet we already have a second date in the works. Honestly that's the first time something like that has happened for me. I'm not too worries about it either. At the end of the game, I'll still ask him if he still wants to go. Either way I'm going to see Phantom and I'll have a date, because there's no way I'm missing it or sitting on a ticket. But I honestly can't wait to see what will happen when we meet. Because either we are going to have a great time or we're not. From our conversations we've been having it is leaning so way over on the great time side. I'm just really going to have to work on not observing at the beginning of the date though. He did make a comment about how a lot of his dates turn out to be something different when he meets them--they get quiet. And that is the only time that I'm quiet is when I'm observing someone. Otherwise quite is generally not the descriptive word used for me.
During this whole experience of online dating, this time around, I have been reading dating articles as well. I figure I've not exactly done a whole lot of dating in the last ten years, it would be nice to be updated on what's going on. Which I'm glad that I have been doing. Because there are a few things that have changed. Coffee dates are the common first date thing, because it gives one the chance of scoping out without being too committed or putting a lot out there for something that doesn't work out. The second thing I learned is that there is more equality expected for financing a date than it use be. Even if the man is old fashioned etiquette still demands the woman to at least make offers to pay. Although this is the funny thing about that rule. Whoever wrote the article said that if the woman offers and the man doesn't at least object, than he's a jerk. But the same goes for the woman, if she doesn't at least offer than she's a jerk. Quite frankly, I still find the whole thing confusing. My perspective, sure I think it's great for the man to pay. I know I sure like being taken care of. But really, you get to go out and do more things together if we're working with two incomes rather than just one. And quite frankly I have no problem making contributions. Especially if it's something I was planning on going out and doing anyway.

Complexities of Dating

Okay so this week has definitely been a very interesting one. Very interesting. I've started talking with a third man. I thought I had two polar opposites before! This one is definitely way different than the other two. I never thought I'd say this, but it's been completely fascinating finding someone of the male persuasion who I have so much in common with. As we exchange more information we find out just how much we are a like in certain things. So far the biggest difference between us is that he's pretty much a die hard football fan. I'll watch a few good games a year.
The second man, I had been talking to, I think I've pretty much decided that even though he would be a safe solid dependable man... I just don't feel that excitement of receiving a message from him like I do with the other two. For example, today he sent a message and I had been hoping it was from the third man. And quite frankly, when you get that disappointment, that is never a good sign. So I think that I'm going to have to break it off in my next response email. I keep telling people that it's best to be up front and honest as quick as possible so there's less chance of someone really getting their feelings hurt. But I'm having a hard time in this case.
The first man... well there's a story this week. We had our first fight, which was over something that was really really stupid. And that fight really revealed something to me. A lot of somethings anyway. One, I took note of how many of my emotions were running and interchanging so quickly. It was like riding a nightmare of a roller coaster and not in the good sense. After spending the last five years in the stability of singlehood, this onslaught of emotions was not pleasant at all. Two, despite all my being careful and taking things easy, I found that I've really started caring for this man. At times he irritates me beyond all else. But then he'll make me laugh. Sometimes it's frightening that I can associate tones of voice with the way he writes on IM. There are even times where I can pick up moods. But it still frustrates me that in essence he acts like a boyfriend but yet he insists on the fact that we're just friends. I try to explain it to myself why it is the way that it is, but it still frustrates me. Nothing was more frustrating than the day after our fight, we got things pretty much straightened out and he makes the comment that we're totally made up. You don't make up with someone unless you are in a serious relationship. With friends, when you fight with them, you get over it and move on. There's no making up. There's not a person alive who will tell a person that they are truly friends with, we're made up. Friends just don't make up. Anyway... since all that we've still been talking everyday, sometimes twice a day. He even called one night.
As much as I have said that I hate online dating because it's like playing the field, I must admit it's probably been a good thing for me. It's built up the desirability factor within me. So now I have cold hard fact to go with what I've always known about myself. I am desirable. I am someone. But this has been good for me too, because I just don't have a readily available circle of single men around me. It has also been interesting to see just how all the ideals that I've thought I wanted plays out in real men. It's no longer theories and fantasies. I can actually see what I really like and what I don't. Besides it's cut me a whole lot of slack with mom. Although I do find it hilarious that she doesn't understand me yet again. She thinks there's something wrong in my relationship with the first man because I've now started to talk regularly with the third man. Truth be told, when she asks I just kind of shrug it off and don't answer her. How do I explain it all? I still prefer the first man, but I'm not sure at all if he will ever act. And I don't want to waste time hoping and wondering. I'm doing all this dating to find someone with whom I can get married to, when the time is right. I just don't know how to encourage the first man to keep moving forward. Everything I've tried, I can't see if it works or not. It is probably for that reason why I've been enjoying the attention that I'm getting else where. I'm not sure what will happen with the third man, where it will go. But at least in our conversations, it has forward movement. And at the same time I really can't compare the two men. The third man I've been talking to for almost a week--so yes there is going to be forward movement. With the first man, we've been talking for about five weeks now. There is a safe and comfortableness that we have in our conversations.
As I told my best friend this week, it was sooo much easier being single. Not that I want to be single or am glamorizing it at all. I could just do without all the emotional stuff going on.

Free Will

Recently I've gone out on two dates, my first two in the last 12 years. I forgot how time consuming it was to put yourself out there in the dating arena. There are moments where I have thoughts that it is just so much easier to not date, just to go on busying up my time with other things. Focusing on other parts of my life. But at the same time, I wonder why I've waited for so long to put myself out there. Not that it's been a recent development or anything. I've been pursuing the online dating thing because I don't have many single friends in my acquaintance anymore. They're all getting married. So the number of single people I know has been quickly shrinking. Not that it's a bad thing. It just means I've had to look in less than traditional areas.
There has only been one drawback, for me, with online dating--it's a way to in essence to play the field to see who all is out there. But I am not the play the field type. So in order for me to do this and not have a problem with my conscience, I have to had to step even more into the world of awkwardness by being honest with men I talk to that I'm talking with other men. That is really the most awkward thing I've ever had to do in my life because the last time I dated, it was all face to face, one on one. I got to know one person at a time. And now there's this.... getting to know a few men at the same time. And it's weird because I'm looking for a meaningful relationship and in my mind, my traditional thinking, it doesn't mesh well with online dating.
Maybe it has more to do with the fact that I have started looking at dating in a whole new light. I remember when I was younger always praying stuff like, "God, please let him...." Oh, there are way too many prayers that were started that way. But the thing that I never knew what I understand now. The one great thing that God gave mankind is free will. It was man's freely given love that God sought for the most. And what we fail to see is that it is the very same thing that we seek in one another.
Over the last few weeks I've had to learn how to be myself and allow a man to be himself. We all want to be ourselves with others and it's the most liberating feeling to be free to be yourself around others. But the hardest thing is to allow another person to be themself when you are trying to "snag" them.
There has been one man that I have been learning this with. What it means to hold your hands out, palms up, when by instinct all you want to do is cling. What it means to allow him to be himself, to make up his own mind without trying to persuade or convince him to any conclusion. What it means to accept him, even with the faults you know he has, and not say a word to try to make, convince, or coerce to change. What it means to take him at face value and still answer truthfully when you know what you think or want is not at all what he thinks or wants. And the truth is the hardest. The truth cuts in a way that is not predictable. And you have to trust that the truth you give will stand on it's own. Truth is the only thing that can't stab you in the back. But the truth is the one thing that affects free will like nothing else. There is no set way that truth reacts with free will. It's not predictable like reactions in a chemistry class. But the reaction is not some random chance. There are laws that govern truth that I don't even begin to understand. And that is what is making this learning experience challenging, exciting, and even beguiling. Because somehow, in some way, the combination of truth and giving someone the freedom of using free will, people change. I change. He changes. And these changes have made me ask questions that I never thought I would ask. What is going on? Why is this happening? How is it happening?
But above all, the hardest thing is not giving into the woman's way of thinking. Trying to read in between the lines. Trying harder not to make the relationship more than it is. And trying even harder yet to keep those hands open--giving him the option to walk away at any time, because there are no promises spoken, no vows, no covenants. The only thing that is there is free will. The only thing present and completely understood is that we are both acting in free will to get to know each other.

Life Changes Are Hard

I've been struggling a lot with how I have to adjust my life around this injury. I just got back from a physical therapy appointment where my therapist once again got after me for doing too much with my wrist. There were times during my family's vacation to Idaho where I picked up Nicolas and Daniel. Do I know I'm not supposed to lift them? Yes. But there's a problem with knowing this. I love playing with my nephews. But more than that, I love to hold them and cuddle with them. And they are still at ages that they crave that kind of attention. And then when they're tired, they still want to be held. I love my nephews and it tears my heart that I can't pick them up and hold them. I suppose I can live well enough with not lifting a lot of things.... Sure, I say that now, but I've been so independent my whole life and now I'm less so. But being chided yet again by my therapist, I wanted to cry. In fact there were some tears that I let go when her back was too me. It's so frustrating.
But there is one thing that is making this time more bareable. I've met someone online on e-harmony. I only renewed my subscription because they offered me a half off discount (I had stopped earlier because I wasn't find anyone and didn't like paying the price). That and in my heart there was hope to finding someone this time. So I started sending messages to anyone who was remotely interesting. Then I found one that I was really intersted in. First thing that caught my attention--his height! That and he's quite handsome. I wasn't too sure how it would turn out to start with, but we've really hit it off. At least once a day we've sent messages to each other. But what gives me the biggest charge is the fact that he's been really trying to impress me. It's been far longer than I care to admit since anyone's tried hard to impress me. I've been flirted with, but no one's tried to impress me. It's actually quite thrilling! But what I find facinating is that there's a great chance that with him there's a lot more things in my life that will make so much more sense. The things which I've always felt that make me not fit in anywhere. That and there's some things that no one in my family is really into, but I'm interested in and he's really into. So I'm looking forward to when we will get the chance to meet in person.
And then at the same time, there are those moments where my heart nearly stops--did I say to much? Then there's the ever present desire to still want to be accepted. It's a rough balance, wanting to be up front and honest, careful not to gloss over things by painting a picture that really isn't you. I love being honest with people, but it seems a bit harder when you can't tell them face to face. You can't guage their reaction. And so with each further exposure that you make with who you are, there is still that heart pounding wait... wait... waiting for that next message. And then there's that great release when you see that next message, and you savor every moment. Only to go one step farther and enter the suspense one more time. And today has been full of those moments. I received three messages today. I know I shouldn't be falling for that rollercoaster, but the fact my head knows what I read in his messages, it doesn't over ride the way my heart beats in anticipation the way that it does. What I read is that my smitten is not one sided. And that is what makes the anticipation grow even more, each time. Oh, how long it has been since I've felt any of this, and yet at the same time it's all new.

Life After Surgery

So 23 April I had my surgery for my wrist, which I hurt back in February (16). Today I finally sat down to start blogging again. This last Thursday my cast came off, along with my stitches being removed and the two pins pulled out. Despite not having any mobility in my right hand right now, it just feels good to have all five of my fingers out in the open.
Life has most certainly not been easy these last two months. The day before my surgery, the company I work for literally threw me under the bus--they wrote me up and threatened to fire me if I didn't change. Instead of supporting me and the decisions that I had to make, the district manager and manager decided to listen to employees under me who had a personal vendetta against me (yep you probably guessed it, my favorite male employee who caused all those problems, and he pulled in all his friends to help him out). I was going to blog about this that night, but I'm glad that I didn't. I was sooo furious!!! What I would have written would only have looked bad for me. I was literally blind with rage. It was nothing pretty. In fact, my rage was as unchristian like as I have been in a very long time. And I tell you that for me to be able to say I have forgiven all these people, it is probably the hardest thing I have every had to do, ever. I was wronged like no other. I spent four months in non-stop extreme pain, still giving my best and not receive any bad feed back from customers about the service that I gave them. All this while opening a new high profile cafeteria with a staff that was 90% new hires with no experience. To forgive.... I honestly didn't want to forgive them. But I had no other choice--not because of them, but because of who I was becoming. There is nothing that I can do about them, I can't force them to do anything. All that is in my control is how I react and allow my life to be influenced my them. Even though I defended myself, my anger was literally eating me alive. I had to forgive to free myself from my own wrath. I had to forgive to bring peace back into my life. And I learned, through it all, that is the real purpose for forgiveness. Any church attending person can tell you that we are to forgive because God tells us to (or the super cheesy "because Christ first loved us"). Let's face it, the world will only answer "so what" to those reasons. It means nothing. The reason why it's important to forgive is because when we don't, the power behind unforgiveness overtakes us and makes us miserable--restlessness, sleeplessness, ultimately the failing of our health because of stress. I purposely phrased it the power of unforgiveness because when we are angry at someone we feel power. Let's admit it, we like the feeling of having power over someone else. I admit it. It's a pure power that is intense and grows the longer that we hold on to it and feed it. But it is a power that only leads to the destruction of someone--ultimately ourselves.
I wish I could say that forgiveness was the only thing that I had to fight over for nearly two months now. But it wasn't. I wanted the power because of the vulnerable weakness that I had inside--what I was trying to protect. My strong hand was gone. Although there's a lot that I can do left handed, it's not my strong hand. I'm not one to ask for help, because my childhood and teen years (oh let's face it, my whole life) has been spent in self reliance. Now I needed more help than I have asked for in a very long time. Not only that, but that helplessness was magnified greatly with what happened at work. I've always been a hard worker, 110%, and to have people tell me I'm not even giving 50% (which is a generous correlation of what I was being told)... imagine that. I was beat up inside and out.
I haven't been the same person. It takes a long time to build up self assurance, once it's been ripped to shreds. I know it's hard for people to understand me when I say this, because there have been quite a few people in my life who more than likely would describe me as the poster child of self confidence. I have been anything but. This has been the weakest point in my life. Truth be told, I don't know how to build it back up, or more to the point how long. I have a feeling that this trial in my life has taught me a meekness and gentleness that I've never had before. Now, I struggle to find myself as now I'm back to teaching my kindergarten Sunday school class. I'm not the same teacher, and I don't know why. This is where I feel the most loss of confidence and I don't know why. I don't know. Maybe I came back too soon. And that could be it. But I could only put it off for so long when I kept getting calls on when I would be returning and being told stories about my class. The best thing I heard about my kids was that all the substitute teachers (including the Children's Pastor's Wife) all remarked on how well behaved my kids are--I already knew that they were better behaved than the older children, and now others know it not! I got complements about how I was forming them, but I don't see it that way. I get the privilege of being a part of a year in their lives. It's not what I pour into them. God gives me great kids to teach. But above all, these kids are the kids that God gives me to fill the hole in my heart. I have no children of my own, but for 2-4 hours each week I have anywhere up to 30 children to pour my love into. For those few hours they are my children, my kids, my little ones.

what makes me LAUGH at 230 in the norning

this was one of those moments in life where i woke myself up from a deep sleep with a vary audible laugh. So i decided that i would stay up long enough to bring back some memories--yes anyone who has a group of friends long enough know what times i am referring to.

and away we go.

okay so there i am on stage with my dream drama friends (yes that is the proper term for those people you are suddenly stuck with, but instantly know what to get away with. it all getting riotous when all of a sudden one of the men has been volunteered to be the stand in for the roastling pig. he decides that he's going to go against convention and take whatever money he wants, which means that several people's portions were missing. thus the malee because everyone has by now jumped on the pig--every man for himself. i jump into the middle of it with a marker, which in turn caused an uproar because he's never successfully removed marker before. needless to day, used the marker on him while he slept and all hell broke loose when he woke.

the next problem to solve is how do you stop a monkey from throwing his pooh, no redecorating the cage does not help. it doesn't matter if there were pretty thing around, monkeys still flung pooh. and i don't know what i was asking for, but into your cage i went. as i entered the cage, the monkey continued to throw pooh.

DON'T ASK ME WHAT THIS WAS ALL ABOUT! I TRIED TO REREAD THIS AND FINISH THE SENTENCE THAT I LEFT OFF HALFWAY THROUGH. I ENDED UP HAVING TO DELETE THE LAST PARTIAL SENTENCE WHEN I FOUND MYSELF ASKING : "WHAT THE HECK?" MUST HAVE BEEN THE DRUGS. YEAH MEDICINE!

My Mind At Work

I've had a rush of emotions during this last week. And it's for that reason that I most hate being injured. When I am in pain I tend to have less control over my emotions--and I hate to even admit that.
My only male cashier has been my trial this week. It became necessary to address the issue of his wandering through the cafe while he was on the clock, and talking with other employees (thus leaving the espresso stand unmanned). What should happen when I begin the discussion but he literally flies off the handle and starts yelling at me. For a full ten minutes I had to keep my cool and put down my desires to cuss him out. I so wanted to lose my temper because he was not listening to a word that I was saying. I finally gave up and asked him, "I want to see if I understand what you are saying. Even though I am trying to help you to keep from getting into a habit that will later on get you in trouble, you are arguing and getting angry with me?" As soon as I said that, his face went blank and he shook as if he was coming out of a trance. Then he proceeds to say that is not what he meant at all. Afterwards he went through a complete personality change that vexed me even more than his arguing with me. He followed me around the floor apologizing and trying to do things for me. All I wanted him to do was his job and keep focused. Then the next day his personality changed again and he insisted on going over my head after getting explanations and directions from me. What angered me the most was the fact that he went running up to the district manager when he arrived at the cafe! He not only went over my head, but also the manager's head! After that he tried to call in a repair order for the espresso machine, which is not even my job, but the manager's job. It has been such a long time since I ever wanted to drop kick anyone, but this employee really did deserve it.
This last Thursday was my follow up doctor's appointment, to go over the MRI results. The news was not exactly what I wanted to hear. Nothing showed up on the MRI's, thus making the test inconclusive. This frustrates me to no end, because now it feels like if there is anything relating to my health that goes wrong, it is not easy, cut black and white problem. It brings back memories of when I had cat scratch fever, stayed in the hospital for a week, and got sent home because for a full week the medical staff could not find out what was wrong with me. Not until after I had been home from the hospital for a few days did they find out what had made me ill. I love having good health. But I hate when things go wrong that are not easily diagnosed. Regardless of my dislikes and yes, even small fears (nothing is worse than thinking your doctor will tell you that nothing is wrong, even when you know that something is wrong, because you are in soo much pain). Unfounded fear, but it was fear none the less. My doctor filled out the paperwork that very day (I was one of the last appointments of the day) and he sent it off to L&I to get approval for an arthroscopic surgery. The blessing in all this was that by about 10am the next day I got a call from the doctors office that the surgery got approved and that we could make the appointment to take care of my wrist. That just does not happen with the state. Approvals take seven to ten days at the earliest. This approval took only a few short hours. That is completely the work of God! The greater blessing was that I was able to make my appointment for the surgery for a week and a half away. Even with these blessings though, it still leaves my head spinning. I've been in pain for nearly two months and in what is practically feels like days away. I've been waiting for healing to come. And now it's only days away. I can't wait.
But at the same time there's issues that are connected at work. for the last week and a half I've been listening to people telling me that I am not doing my job, because of my injury. Even though I'm protected by the state because it was an on the job injury, it does not stop these employers from playing mental games. It's not right on so many levels. They brought me to this new cafe knowing I was injured, and now they want to complain because of the injury. I really don't mind taking time off from all of this stupid corporate politics. But at the same time I wonder just how much of everything I will lose by being gone. Because I am in the building, I get to have my say in things and my touch in how things run. But when I am gone, I lose all of that and someone else's opinions and touch will change everything, because they are them and I am me.
But this is just the thing. Part of my mind is running on the above thoughts, while the other part of my mind is literally counting the cost of leaving the company. What it would take. And it's an odd thought for me, because this job was the one that I was striving for over a year and a half ago. This job was the next step to get my experience to open the way for me to start my dreams of running my own coffee shop and eventually opening my own high end restaurant. Now I am seriously considering leaving this job. I have to admit that I have not learned everything that I wanted to learn when I started with this job. But at the same time I find myself in that same rat race where I am totally being given the run around. I left working for UPS, to join masters, but also because men were being promoted around me who I felt were less qualified than myself. But I once again find myself in that same situation again. I have customers all around me who have wanted me as manager over the ones that I worked for. I know that I can do the job. I have it in me. But instead I keep watching manager brought in from outside of the company who have to be trained from ground zero. They know nothing about the company or policies. They don't know the operation that we provide for Microsoft. I have already trained two managers. I don't get or understand why this company does what it does. But the longer that I stay with the company, the more that I find that I like less and less. I learn more about how not to do things than how to do things. In fact, I was talking with a Sous Chef that we have at my cafe and we were talking about this subject. (She was working to get promoted to Executive Chef.) We both came to the conclusion that we are uncertain if we would accept a promotion unless there was a VERY good package offer that we are given. We've seen enough to know how the company works and we know what the job pay should be. And yet I still wonder, would even that be enough? Rather, I've been trying to wrap my brain around ways to really get my Mary Kay business really off the ground so that I can quit this job without a loss of any kind.

Ship In The Middle Of The Storm

This morning Pastor Jack spoke upon the passage where the disciples were caught in the middle of a storm, in a boat, while on the Sea of Galilee (Mark 4:35-40). I so needed this message after the week that I had. Not that my week surpasses any trying week that anyone has ever faced before. This has only been the most trying one that I have faced to this p0int in my life. And still, I know that years from now this time will seem trivial in comparison to what I will face in the future. To quote a famous comic--with great powers comes great responsibilities. The same is true--with great dreams comes great responsibilities. But also, before great dreams comes to pass, there is a great testing that must be faced to prove one is worthy to step into that dream.
That being said, here is the sea water that I choked on while my own boat perilously rocked back and forth in my storm.
Test One: this week I opened a new cafe for the company that I work for on the Microsoft campus. Not so bad, right? I so looked for this opportunity. But rather than being a prayer come true to prove myself ready to be a manager of such a location, I feel less than worthy to be just a Lead. I found myself in the worst possible situation with this opening--none of my employees have experience. They are all new employees, untrained. Monday turned out to be chaotic. The company was giving away free coffee at the espresso bar. My two cashiers/baristas have been with the company for only a week and had maybe a total of five hours of training in anything. To meet demand I had to do work that my wrist has for the last six weeks prevented me from doing because of an injury. Because I had to do this, I was immediately put into severe pain. When I finished getting the lines taken care of I get told from others (higher ups) that I am not doing my job--taking care of the rest of the cafe or properly training the new employees. Everyone else (all the new employees in the cafe) turned to me for everything. And to top it off, we are not to expect an official manager to the cafe for two months. The person who is filling the position in the mean time has to learn how to do the job, learn how to run the register, and is thrown into this whole mess after being out of the loop because they were on vacation.
Tuesday was a bit better except that one of the people temporarily in the unit, who has previously been a lead for fourteen years, once again thoroughly brow beat me about not doing my job. They don't seem to take into consideration just how dysfunctional the work place is right now, and when I say dysfunctional, I mean DYSFUNCTIONAL! I'm doing the best that I can with no help from anyone. In fact, anyone who is of any position of leadership in the company who has been sent over to help with the opening has been sending me off to take care of things, without having the information if they have been taken care of. In short I spent two hours procuring things that someone else had already taken care of, but told no one about. And in that time I could have been training people to prevent the brow beating that one thought I "deserved".
Wednesday got even more worse. Two people higher up went out of their way to belittle me and put me down, or so it really seemed to me. It's not fair for me to say that this was really their motives since I frankly don't know what their motives are. Rather, the future manager told me that they are here to help me and that I should learn as much as I can from them. That was hard to hear from this manager because the last thing I want to do is debase myself to these people that I feel like are attacking me. An interesting remark was made by this manager while we were having a private discussion. This manager told me that one thing they have learned from observing me the last few days is that I'm thick skinned. I wanted to laugh when I heard that, because it has been situations like this, throughout my life, that I have has to learn how to be thick skinned. For good or bad, it has been a necessity, for as long as I can remember, to have thick skin. For various reasons, I have had to rely on myself with very little protection from other people. And while I know that many people have admired this very quality in my, they fail to see the price that is paid for having thick skin. They do not know the cuts to my heart that are made by words of others--the thick skin hide the effects of such attacks all for the "greater good". They also do not see that after I've protected and fought for myself for so long that I truly need a protector. And the longer that I go without a protector, the thicker my skin has to grow. My skin has to grow thicker because with position comes image. The higher I go, the less I can show the feelings that come upon me. The more that I have to appear to be the pillar and be the strength that others lack. And while I can pull this off, there will always be at least one person who will see the cracks in that pillar of strength that I have to be. But I will leave off on this, because at this point in time I am unable to share with the world what those cracks are and what my thick skin is protecting.
Thursday was a great relief at first because it was a half day for me since I had a doctor's appointment. it was a relief because in essence I got to run away from all the personal attacks. But it was only a temporary relief since everything was waiting for me on Friday. The one higher up that I was having trouble with brought everything back up again and refused to take my hints that I did not want to talk about it with them because the issues were being taken up with other people. Rather, it was like they were trying to make a point of my short comings. The conversation was interrupted by the arrival of another new employee and this person went to take up their issued with me to the future manager. Honestly, it's like salt on a fresh cut to watch this conversation take place in the open and having them move around to dodge me since they were on my floor and I was trying to do my job.
All of this might have been well and good--I could have somehow gotten over it and dealt with it. As taxing as all of this is, it was exponentially increased by the fact that I have been in horrible pain all week long. Over six weeks ago I injured my wrist on the job. It was only last week that I was transferred out to see a specialist, because I just was not healing. The news that I got from the specialist was that it was his opinion that one of two things happened. One, I tore my cartilage in my wrist. Or two, I tore some tendon(s) in between the small bones of my wrist. Before he could determine which it was, I needed to have an MRI taken. That was the appointment I left work early for back on Thursday. And Thursday was fine until the appointment. When the doctor went to inject the dye into my wrist for the MRI, there was complications. He couldn't get the needle between the bones in my wrist. As a consequence, the needle stabbed my bones several times. Between that and all the pressure in my wrist from the dye, I was in extreme pain until I woke up on Saturday morning.
What is interesting is the moments when you can dissociate a painful body part in order to be clear headed and functional at work--until the pain breaks through the dissociation. Sometimes I think it's weird to do that. But at other times I really don't know how I would have made it past the last several weeks without dissociating from the pain. My hell this last week was not having the ability to dissociate from the pain in order to deal with all the drama that I had to face at work. I couldn't be clear headed. I couldn't be normal. I had to constantly fight the urge to find a hidden corner to escape from all the trials caused by the culmination of physical pain and crap that no person should ever have to deal with in the work place (and in the mean time pretend that nothing is wrong on the surface just to get employees to do their job and give customers the service that they want). It is an impossible situation. And yet it happened. And you have to deal with it because it all happened.
If I didn't take all of Saturday off (not attending a meeting, not running much needed errands, not doing things that are pressing things to do, etc.) I really, honestly, think that I would have completely lost my sanity. And that was only a temporary fix, because I know today that if something hadn't happened at church today, Monday would have come around where Friday left off. And yet, I cannot put into words what changed today. But here are some of my notes from the service that really moved me (and my thick skin:)

God does strange things. Sometimes He leads you to what is a dead end. he leads you to no possibilities/impossibilities so that you turn to Him and His possibilities.
When you are in a trial you need to be led by the Spirit, because the Spirit will lead you to a place where you can thrive and grow roots that are deep. You can't have fruit without roots.
Keep your eyes on where you are going not where you are at. Keep your eyes on the blessing not the trial.
Embrace the trial because the trial is your testimony.
Awake the victory in you. The disciples woke Jesus. Jesus is in you.
If Jesus has rescued you before, He will do it again. Remember those times!
REFUSE TO BACK DOWN OR BE MADE INTO WHAT YOU ARE NOT!

God does do strange things. Did God cause me to go through all this trouble this last week? No. We live in a fallen world where "stuff" happens. But the great thing about God is that He takes the "stuff" and brings something beautiful out of it. (This next bit is kind of gross, but it's an image that has gotten me to think today.) Take poop--there is disease associate with handling it without proper procedures and protection, and it's just nasty to play with to begin with. But if you knew there was a turd that had a diamond worth millions just sitting in the middle of it, wouldn't you squash that turd to get that diamond? Being in filth doesn't change the value of that diamond. It's just a terrible circumstance to be found in to obtain that diamond. So it's the same with this last week. I can stand there staring at that painful turd and cry and throw a pity party. Or I can refuse to let that turd rule my life and turn me into what I am not. I have never given up on anything in my entire life, not even calculus in college (although I did wise up and recognize that I am not a rocket scientist! ;). So, what can I learn from all this??? I really don't know. But Monday morning I can go into work knowing that the circumstances there do not rule me. (In fact I can probably giggle to myself as I look at my "favorite" people and imagine them as turds.) But at least I can face another day knowing that God is still God, yes He does have a sense of humor, and that He will still show me the value behind what I have had to go through. This too can be used for my greater good. And I can still look forward to this upcoming Thursday when I go to see the doctor and learn how he's going to fix my wrist so that I can get rid of this pain.

Making It Happen????

There are dreamers and then there are dreamers. And I am the latter. What is the difference? Somehow, in some way, there has to be a way to make that dream come true. But how? That is the reason why I've started this blog. Anyone who dreams big and wants it to become reality will tell you that the path that you must travel is never as easy as you would like. But the path is never too difficult for you either, but only if you can stick it out.
My mother will be the first person to tell you that over the years my dreams have scared her more times than not. I'm sure that those dreams that never came true cause her the most profound relief. What she never knew was that it was not so much my lack of ability to make those things come to pass, but I've realized that they were paths I did not want to travel. It's times like those that proves that God does give mankind the free will to make choices. A lot of those choices I knew that regardless which choice I made, I knew in my spirit that God would bless me no matter what. At other times that still quiet voice was not there and I needed to make my choice based on the fact of what I could foresee what would happen down the road and the great unknown of the other path.
Now is the season of where my choices mean the most. This is the season where many things are held in a balance. This is the season where I much choose to act or hold my peace. This is the season where I can hold on or open my hand and let God move. And this is the basis of my faith--God gives me freewill to make my life whatever I want it to be. But the greatest test is making to choice to open my hands, release my dreams, and let God be God. When I let God have freedom to move in my life, I never lose my independence or free will. Rather, I open myself up to the assistance of the One who created everything. All of a sudden my limited resources are exponentially enlarged. I write as a voice of a Christ follower. But I also write to show and remind myself that even though I grow larger in my own right, there is always One larger than me.